Survival Horror Gets Fashion Showdown

Thanks to Crunk Games for their less-than-serious feature showcasing the fashionable world of the survival horror genre. As the introduction explains: "Every Resident Evil game thus far has awarded players at least one new costume for their chosen character on subsequent playthroughs, a practice that Konami has only recently added to its trademark Silent Hill series. We've decided to pit the cheesiest survival horror series against the scariest in a battle of pure fashion." This spoiler-including article then compares outfits that span the good (Jill Valentine's "classic blue S.T.A.R.S. uniform"), the weird (the "stunning heart-shaped belt buckle" of Silent Hill 3's Magical Girl Heather), and the plain hideous (Silent Hill's "68-year old Avril Lavigne", Dahlia Gillespie), before concluding: "Green herbs all around for those who stuck with it."

Comments

tsarkon greased up yoda doll shoved in my ass

[Anonymous Coward]

9 steps to greasing your anus for Yoda Doll Insertion!

1. Defecate. preferably after eating senna, ex lax, prunes, cabbage and hot sauces.
2. Wipe ass with witch hazel, soothes horrific burns.
3. Prime anus with anal ease.
4. Slather richly a considerable amount of vaseline or other anal lubricants into your rectum at least until the bend and also take your yoda doll or yoda soap on a rope and liberally apply it.
5. Pucker your ballon knot several times actuating the sphincter muscle in order to work it in.
6. Put a nigger do-rag on yoda's head so the ears don't stick out like daggers!
7. Make sure to have a mechanism by which to fish yoda out of your rectum, the soap on the rope is especially useful because that is built in.
8. Slowly rest yourself onto your yoda figurine.
9. Gyrate gleefully in your computer chair while your fat sexless geek nerd loser fat shit self enjoys the prostate massage you'll be getting. Think about snoodling with the Sarlaac pit. Read Slashdot. Masturbate to anime. Email one of the editors hoping they will honor you with a reply. Join several more dating services - this time, you dont check the (desired - speaks english) and (desired - literate). You figure you might get a chance then. Order some fucking crap from Think Geek. Get Linux to boot on a Black And Decker Appliance. Wish you could afford a new computer. Argue that IDE is better than SCSI because you cant afford SCSI. Make claims about how Linux rules. Compile a kernel on your 486SX. Claim to hate windows but use it for Everquest. Admire Ghyslain's courage in making that wonderful star wars movie. Officially convert to the Jedi religion. Talk about how cool Mega Tokyo is. Try and make sure you do your regular 50 story submissions to Slashdot, all of which get rejected because people who arent fatter than CowboyNeal can't submit. Fondle shrimpy penis while making a yoda voice and saying, feel the force, padawan, feeel the foooorce, hurgm. Yes. Yes. When 900 years you reach, a dick half as big you will not have.

All in a days work with a yoda figurine rammed up your ass.

I HAVE A GREASED UP YODA DOLL SHOVED UP MY ASS!

y______________________________YODA_ANUS
o_________________.'_:__`.________________y
d____________.-.'`.__;___.'`.-.___________o
a___________/_:____\_;__/____;_\__________d
s_,'__""--.:__;".-.";:_:".-.":__;.--""__`,a
e_:'_`.t""--.._'/@.`;___',@\`_..--""j.'_`;s
x______`:-.._J_'-.-'L___`--_'_L_..-;'_____e
________"-.___;__.-"__"-.__:___.-"________x
y____________L_'_/.------.\_'_J___________y
o_____________"-.___"--"___.-"____________o
d______________.l"-:_TR_;-";._____________d
a_________.-j/'.;__;""""__/_.'\"-.________a
s_______v.'_/:`._"-.:_____.-"_.';__`.v____s
e____.-"__/_;__"-._"-..-"_.-"__:____"-.___e
x_.+"-.__:_:______"-.__.-"______;-.____\__x
_v;_\__`.;_;____________________:_:_"+._;_
y_:__;___;_;____________________:_;__:_\:_y
o_;__:___;_:____________________;:___;__:_o
d:_\__;__:__;__________________:_;__/__::_d

Because of Yoda's attitude, I usually don't respond to his perversions, but this time I'll make an exception. For starters, the nicest thing that can be said about Yoda's lackeys is that they are goofy insurrectionists out to demonstrate an outright hostility to law enforcement. Already, some piteous Neanderthals have begun to fund a vast web of uncontrollable vagabonds, combative slackers, and naive malodorous-types, and with terrifying and tragic results. What tracts will follow from their camp is anyone's guess. Think about that for a moment. Simply put, every morning Yoda asks himself, "How can I fool the masses today?" The law is not just a moral stance. It is the consensus of

In other words.

[GMC-jimmy]

The author of this artical must mean something to the effect of: "My god I'm so F'ing bored waiting for HL2 to hit the stores."

Eternal Darkness

[Chris_Jefferson]

What about the women of eternal darkness? eh? eh? (can't find any direct links, but you can see them here )

Um....

[GwabbaWabba]

Well. That certainly was... something.

slow night

[cheeseSource]

4 posts in going on 5 hours...

Most uncommented story ever.

Re:slow night

[Anonymous Coward]

I've seen worse.

Not too long ago a single troll posted ~10 of the less than 15 total comments that a front page story got, before being archived.

And yes, it was a default front page story, not some unhidden sectional bullshit.

graphics quality

[technopinion]

Wow, actually, reading this, I hadn't realized that these games had this sort of detailed characters (from a graphics standpoint). Are these all live-action shots from the games, or are they from pre-rendered sequences?

Re:graphics quality

[Anonymous Coward]

The graphics quality of the characters in games like Silent Hill 2 & 3 are quite remarkable, the face of Heather in SH3 is very well designed, modeled and textured and includes effects such as the light reflection in the eyes as shown in the Half-Life 2 G-man movie. It's also a great game.

Re:graphics quality

[Lazyhound]

Detailed? Dude, you ain't seen nothin' yet.

http://www.angelfire.com/retro/lazyhound/maxpayne2 .jpg

Re:graphics quality

[Quobobo]

I don't know about the Silent Hill ones, but the Resident Evil (1 and Zero) pictures look just like in-game shots to me. The graphics in both games on the Gamecube are absolutely astounding (and terrifying, I might add).

Re:graphics quality

[megamouse]

I'm only familiar with Silent Hill II, but the shots of Maria in 'The Ugly Girls' section were a mix of in-game and pre-rendered. Specifically from top-to-bottom: in-game, pre-rendered, pre-rendered. While the top shot is obviously the kludgiest looking of the three, I have to say it doesn't do the game justice. I remember playing SH2 on X-Box and the graphics were rich, particularly the highly effective use of textures to impart that creep show "we're more than half way to hell" look to the environments. This game had me flinching and jumping out of my seat more than most horror movies do!

Re:graphics quality

[SuiteSisterMary]

The problem with a screenshot is a) you'll see aliasing that you won't see on your average TV screen, and b) you don't see the motion; the animation goes a long way to making the characters seem more believable.

Downright Wacky Costumes

[Jtheletter]

Let's not forget Onimusha, after you beat it you can replay the game in ... a giant panda suit. (sorry, couldn't find any screenshots) Complete with fliptop head. Nothing like battling demons and samurai as the gentle-giant-turned-warrior, fiercest of the selective herbivors. :P

humorous games sites

[jcruelty]

i'm always on the look out for funny game-related sites. oldmanmurray is dead and i've read all of seanbaby's stuff. are there any other good places to go?