Slashdot Mirror
Conspiracies - A 'Final Justice' For Videogames?
Thanks to Video-fenky for its loving review of allegedly awful PC FMV graphic adventure Conspiracies, a game that some have compared to classic MST3K film Final Justice for its ability to "plumb the depths of lameness" in an intrigue-filled Mediterranean setting. Apparently, "Conspiracies is the story of Nick Delios, a balding Greek guy in a hoodie who has a living cactus with a face named 'Nionios' and solves crime... it's the year 206X, a world of flying cars and poor dubbing, and Nick... must solve... an alien plot to take over the World Government with android body doubles of top political leaders, starting with Greece first." The official Conspiracies site has more info on this soon-to-be-cult title, paradoxically well-received by JustAdventure, which includes gorgeously random puzzles such as "smuggling a crate full of plastic explosives from outer space so you can stick it inside a bra." Video-fenky happily concludes: "Overall, Conspiracies is a game no PC adventurer should be without, even if it's for all the wrong reasons."
Zeikfried - Reuters, Saudi Arabia
The brutal slayings of Paul Johnson and the young Jew Nick Berg only serve to exemplify that, while so-called moderates preach Islam as a religion of peace, normal god-fearing citizens are not blind to the brutal truth, Islam wants to lop off your shit liberally.
"But these poor bastards were working abroad" you cry, your several chins flailing wildly as a mixture of spittle and congealed fat sprays from your blackened lips like a gaijin Tubgirl. But you couldn't be more wrong, Gay Nigger studies indicate the muslims are, in fact, stealing your land, woman, and anal virginity before your very eyes. The situation is indeed dire, as indicated by a recent #GNAA straw poll showing that your average Joe Negro is a mere 58 metres away from a filthy sand nigger, ready willing and able to decapitate you and encode your fate into a shitty
How may we counter this? How can we protect our terrified brothers, sisters, and lovers from this reprehensible neck decimating towelhead menace? The answer is simple you wretched cretins, as of the 19th of June, award winning self-help group the Gay Nigger Association of America begins the sale of Decapitation Insurance to all American and British citizens and expatriates not willing to contribute to Wil Wheatons latest marathon masturbation session.
But rather than provide this service to the select few, the GNAA understands that your menial jobs are now being performed for one tenth of the cost by an equally skilled Indian, so we have provided a range of contracts scaled to suit your needs.
For just $50 per month: Captured by Islamists? About to utterly fail it at life? Worry no more, for with our GNAA patented tracking device (inserted anally - replaced once a fortnight) you can call for assistance with a stealthy squeeze of the buttocks. In the unlikely event that this takes longer than anticipated our probe is programmed to gently stimulate your prostate to prevent unnecessary panic.
For just $75 per month: Sadly our response teams are often distracted by widespread sodomy and the dulcet tones of Emerson Lake and Palmer, and as a result may not be able to save you from the junktouch of death. But fear not, for an extra 25 dollars a month we will throw in a made-to-measure GNAA sponsored cast-iron neckbrace, proven to stop a round from a Kalashnikov at 20 paces. Also, feel free to laugh majestically as their cries of "ALLAHU AKBAR!" are drowned out by the in-built speaker system, designed to pump out 140 decibels of "I am a Viking" by renowned pie-huffing Swedish guitar rapist Yngwie J Malmsteen.
For Just $100 per month: Round-the-clock protection for you and your friends and family can be yours. Your potential executioners will quake in fear of our GNAA dogs of war, fresh from their victories over 4chan, efnet #politics, and gaiaonline, as they shield your prone jugular with their very lives and dongs. The service is second to none, and each contract is hand signed by GNAA president Timecop himself. The first 500 will also recieve a free jar of holy nigger seed, eagerly provided by GNAA GAMES chairman Zeikfried Tuvai.
But don't just take our word for it, GNAA sponsored clairvoyant Madame Jank DuTouche has contacted Paul Johnsons head from beyond the ethereal veil of death to bring you this recommendation:
"The moons axis over Jupiter brings it into allignment with the constellation Orion and the Planet Anus. After inhaling several ounces of crack, I followed this up with my tarot reading of 'The Jester', 'Death', 'Captain B Dick', '4 swords' and a 'double headed anal dildo'. This told me but one thing, Paul Johnson endorses the Gay Nigger Association of Americas drive for a gay and Decapitation free universe."
So what the fuck are you imbeciles waiting for, sign up with GNAA Insurance today, or be Nick Berg'd into an unpatriotic due grave!
About GNAA:
GNAA
lol dongs
Zeikfried - Reuters, Nigeria.
In a hushed press conference held at the GNAA compound in blackest Nigeria, the cream of the journalistic crop from IGN, Gamespot, Gamespy and various other overpriced ad-infested shitholes gathered from across 4 continents to witness what has been described as the most shocking announcement of the post-E3 market. The purchase of a controlling stock in industry leading publisher Electronic Arts by the increasingly aggressive venture capitalists of the GNAA.
After keeping the illiterate troglodytes waiting for several hours, leading GNAA members Timecop, Penisbird and goat-see, along with Electronic Arts president and CEO John Riccitiello, pulled up in the specially commissioned GNAA Limo, now fully armoured to protect from the ever present threat of terrorism from zionist #politics oppers. All four were, as usual, stark naked due to the searing Nigerian heat, and were instantly greeted by a cacophony of flashbulbs and excited chatter from the wretched sodomites and college dropouts that populate the world of gaming, including a shower from the furiously masturbating IGN editor Matt Cassamassina.
"This is a new day for Electronic Arts" exploded the now fully erect Riccitiello, "and a new day for the Gay Nigger Association of America. Now no longer will the significant Gay Nigger minority be ignored by the racist cartels and Japanese Xenophobes that hold a tight noose on the gaming industry."
Shortly afterwards, following a brutal anal violation by nordic Gay Nigger DiKKy, the now broken and bleeding John Riccitiello was replaced by the newly appointed head of the GNAAs gaming division, Zeikfried Tuvai.
"This change is no mere financial step, or a changing of the guard, this will be an absolute fucking revolution. Work on our titles has already begun, I shit you not."
Tragically the conference was then cut short by a failed assassination attempt on the GNAA leadership by efnet #politcs opper and known fascist paedophile "Pickle", who was quickly disarmed by GNAA security and silenced by a large black phallus. However a press release has been issued to Reuters and the Associated Press, and is as follows:
Shitflood Gaia (GC/PS2/Xbox) Q4 2004 - A management sim, where the otaku scum of internet have gathered into a single drinking hole for quick extermination. The player must control his assets wisely to gain the maximum number of bites from the unsuspecting and unintelligent regulars in order to max out his LastMeasure meter and gain access to his most potent weapon, floodphpbb.
Americas Army - Operation #politics (PC (Windows Only)) Q4 2004 - GNAA/EA and the armed forces of the United States of America unite to bring the reality of the T.W.A.T to your Windows box this Christmas. This third-person shooter throws you in charge of the GNAA efnet black ops, as you struggle against corrupt IRC operators, Mossad agents, Nick Berg's head and eventually FreeTrade himself in an explosive struggle in the name of freedom and democracy.
Penisbird's Cock Perch Panic (GBA) Q1 2005 - A coup by OSDN shock troops threatens to overthrow the President, defeat the unwashed scum by guiding Penisbird onto their prone member, disarming them once and for all. As you move through the levels you must dodge traps laid by the increasingly desperate CmdrTaco, including CowboyNeal himself. Can you avoid his sentient rolls of lard to perch on CowboyNeal's notoriously miniscule penis? Find out for yourself in 2005!
About EA:
Electronic Arts (EA) is the world's leading independent developer and publisher of interactive entertainment software for personal computers and advanced entertainment systems such as the PlayStation®2 Computer Entertainment System, the PlayStation®, Xbox(TM) video game console from Microsoft, the Nintendo GameCube(TM) and the Game Boy® Advance. Since its inception, EA has garnered more than 700 awards
niggers
I was eagerly awaiting, lubed up cock in hand, for yet another games.slash article sucking Nintendos cock while bashing the MICOSUX XBOX (XBOX IS BIG LOL). But instead I get this shit! What kind of fanboys are you? You make me fucking sick you faggots, go kill yourself simoniker.
If the game is so bad, why is it being reported on Slashdot? What next? Will we report on XXX because one of the ladies' armpits weren't shaved?
I know of a game that involves a pod race through my arm pit hair, it sucks. But I think everyone that is a gamer should try it out, just to see how bad it really does blow.
Signed
Unabashed Fanboy
Slashdot, where armchair scientists get shouted down and armchair theologians get modded up.
Yeah I hate double negatives too, though they used it in this case because it typically understood that 'no one should be without' as saying 'you should have'.
seem like a shameless plug. Honestly, there must be more interesting news then this game.. Like the fact world of warcraft now has mounts, pvp, and much more stuff then any mmorpg has now.. and it's still in beta!
soon-to-be cult title
Really had to reach to find a compliment, didn't you?
Seriously, it took me 2 minutes to figure out what this headline was even talking about, and then I felt so let down by the complete pointlessness of what I was able to decipher that I'm actually thinking about getting back to work.
Thanks.
If you get nervous, just remember that there are a few billion other people who don't really give a damn.
"who has a living cactus with a face"
I think the word you were looking for was "sentient" . All cacti (apart, ha-ha, from the dead ones) are alive. I should think that the distinguishing feature of this one, among other things, is it's self-awareness.
is a Joe Don Baker mod. Imagine, saving the government of Greece from aliens with a fat, sweaty cowboy/"bad boy".
Goosio will obviously have to make a cameo of course!
This game has indeed received great reviews. From people who know and love adventures. The review on JustAdventure is one of them. Go see, how they rate other classic adventures.
And then some guy who writes for 1UP.com ( which means he is a fan of the age that has replaced the adventure era) sharply criticizes the game... it makes Slashdot news.
How sad.
Adventure games are beyond Graphics. Graphics are not the thing that 'defines' this genre (as it would for FPS for example). And yet we see a comment made by this critic , mocking an image saying "There are at least 1000 polygons in this scene". This should have given most readers away that this guy is all about action/graphics FPS and the likes. He probably would give any game that isn't Sonic the Hedgehog a bad grade.
There are still people who enjoy a good adventure, even for all the shortcomings (eg Graphics.)
As for the houmor in the Game, i have to say that either he is houmor impaired or he has never played another adventure before (on almost ALL adventure you have an invenotry the size of a small truck. And yet he criticizes this game?)
As for the name Nionios, it is a short for Dionysios (like the God Dionysos) and is meant as houmor.
Slashdot Sig. version 0.1alpha. Use at your own risk.
I find your usage of the word gorgeous to be highly suspect.
The hero's catchphrase will of course be, "You think you can take me? Go'head on."
And they can save CPU cycles by repeating the same FMV death scene.
And jelly-filled donut powerups.
And whenever a friendly NPC receives newly developed pictures of his wife and child, well, save your game, you son of a [...]!
#19845
Wasn't there a Dr. Who episode where a guy got melded (The Fly style) with a cactus? I'm pretty sure it was a Tom Baker.
"Twenty X-ty Six!"