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Squirrel Banned From Riding Roller Coaster
Alton Towers theme park has officially banned a squirrel from riding one of its roller coasters. In addition to loving the rides, the thrill-seeking rodent, nicknamed "Sonic," is also accused of stealing food from workers. Morwenna Angove, sales and marketing director at the Alton Towers resort, said: ''Unfortunately Sonic's behavior is a danger both to our guests and himself and so we're doing all we can to ensure that he stays away from the ride." The company is also considering a ban on crocodiles riding the log flume, and ending its popular porcupine bumper car night.
“Mr. Nick!” Phoenix looked down as he felt a tiny hand tugging on his bright blue suit pants. “Excuse me, Mr. Nick!” It was Pearl Fey. She looked very small behind the tall oak defendant’s stand. Phoenix heard Franziska von Karma, the prosecutor, babbling something about her perfection, and decided that he could spare his attention. “What is it, Pearls?” He whispered out of the corner of his mouth. The eight-year-old girl stared up at him with her large brown eyes, thin eyebrows arched inquisitively. Her silky brown hair was braided into two circles behind her head that bounced up and down when she was surprised or excited. And to top it off she wore the standard light purple channeler’s robe with a pink sash, only in miniature. She was, in a word, adorable.
“Mr. Nick, I have to go potty, bad!” “I’m sorry, Pearls, but you’ll have to hold it a little longer. The judge doesn’t look ready to call a recess yet.” “Oh” “Don’t worry, we’ll get you to a bathroom. Just hang in there, okay?” “Okay!” said Pearl, breaking into a grin. Phoenix couldn’t help but smile back. He didn’t usually like kids, but Pearl was so sweet, she could never cause any trouble. “Mr. Wright! I would advise you to pay attention to your own client’s trial!” “Y-yes, your honor!” Phoenix stammered. The judge continued.
“Ms. Von Karma was just about to call the next witness to the stand” It was Lotta Hart, the nosy photographer who almost always managed to show up in time to witness the crime scene. They began the cross examination. Phoenix listened carefully to the entire testimony, and Pearl waited patiently. He kept reviewing all the evidence, looking frantically for contradictions, but the story seemed airtight. He could tell the judge was getting impatient, and his window of opportunity was closing. This looked like it could be the end
“Need some help?” A familiar voice came from right next to him, and Phoenix glanced over in astonishment. “Pearls? What” His heart almost stopped. There stood Mia Fey, his dead mentor. He’d always had something of a crush on her, and now she looked more beautiful than ever before. Now, her hair was brown, and braided up in the back just like Pearl’s. He realized that the young spirit medium must be channeling Mia. “Hmmmthese clothes are a little small though.” Phoenix blushed as he realized just how short the eight-year-old’s skirt was on the fully grown Mia. It barely covered her crotch! And now Mia, who had always had a large bust, was quite literally almost popping out of the minuscule channeling robes. She must have noticed Phoenix staring.
“Get it together, Phoenix! You’ve got a case to win!” He nodded and turned back to the witness stand. Mia continued. “Now, start trying to press the witness for-urk!” She suddenly felt an intense pressure in her abdomen. Wow! That little girl was working on quite a load! “Are you okay, Mia?” “Y-yeahI’m fine” she reassured him, although she was beginning to sweat. I’m not sure how much longer I can hold it. “Ms. Hart, isn’t it true you took more than one photo of the crime scene?” “Well, yeah! You reckon I’d let a story this big go by with just one pitcher to show for it?” “Would you mind presenting those additional pictures to the court?” “That will not be necessary.” Said Franziska, smirking across the courtroom at Phoenix.“The prosecution has deemed the additional photograph to be irrelevant.”
Phoenix pointed in his trademark gesture. “I think that’s for the people of this court to decide!” “I’m sorry, Ms. Von Karma, but I must agree with the defense on this – YOW!” Franziska cracked her whip viciously at the old man. “Very
squirrely wrath!
The above comments are the ravings of a lunatic and should be ignored completely.
Dear Slashdot,
I really need your help on this one.
My wife had breast cancer and she went for, what I thought, a removal of said cancer. However, when she came back and showed me the result the doctor had COMPLETELY REMOVED HER LEFT TIT. She asked me what I thought and my first response was: "It's horrible!" She cried and got angry, so I tried to explain it to her best I could I said "look honey remember when that one speaker of your car stereo was busted? You hated having to listen to only one speaker!" She continued crying and so I got mad and called her doctor to ask him what the fuck was wrong with him cutting off her complete left tit like that. I said: "Look pal maybe you buy your wife new tits every year but to me that's at least 9 months of salary!" to top things off her nipple is gone! They just threw away the tit AND the nipple. So even if I WOULD buy her a new left tit the nipple is god damned gone, now how in the hell is that supposed to make sense?! One tit minus a nipple. I told the doctor he owes me a new tit and a new nipple and slammed the phone on the hook. I god damned loved that tit.
Can I sue this doctor for a new tit?