Look on the bright side -- at least whoever shat in the oven didn't turn the oven on. Ignoring the possible fire hazard, your home would've stunk for days, forcing you and your homosexual compatriots to have sex in dark alleyways and under minivans for at least a week. Unless, of course, you're the kind of fags who enjoy the smell of shit.
So did you use the oven? Did you take the shit out? How dry was it? After everyone left the room, did you lick it? How did you clean the oven? If you used the oven's auto-clean, did it stink up the kitchen?
As for finding the poop-etrator, I'd suspect any heterosexual male friends that you may have. A heterosexual man doesn't understand the deep sensual feelings that you people have for shit, and probably thought he was being funny. "Ha, ha! It is poop! And it is in his oven! I am a genius!" OTOH, if any of your queer buddies are shit pigs, they may been intended to heat-up the shit to eat, and merely forgotten about it. You can't ignore any possibilities!
It may have even been one of the fags who "found" it...
Please, chaps, I hardly know you! Perhaps you could at leasy take me out for drinks and vomiting before requesting such participation in homosexual orgies. Oh, Jeff, you're such a card! And Robby is a delightful little cocksucker! Oh, my!
As for "cumming on mine," you're welcome to anytime!
I was actually going to try this, but UVA is probably going to lose its university accredidation this fall, and I don't want to be associated with that scandal once the shit hits the fan. But thanks anyway, and vote Waldo: because Jesus will hate you if you don't!
Haha, but you're missing part of my ingenius plan! I have released my own distrobution of Linux called "Betterschoolsandlowertaxes." My campaign slogan is "Waldo: the only man^H^H^Hboy who can promise Betterschoolsandlowertaxes for each Virginia citizen!" Bwahahaha... by the time they discover my true intentions, Microsoft shall be expelled and it will be too late! Wow, I rock.
Don't worry, once I am elected, tickets will be distributed to each man according to his need, and collected from each man according to his ability to pay them.
You stupid fucking moro -- oh, wait, "no flames please." Sorry. You're just wrong, that's all, and God agrees with me. So does Jesus, for that matter. Maybe you should just stop talking now.
Yes, these are all very good points, but LUNIX IS TEH BEST!!@@ micro$loth is STUPID AND IS FOR BABIES!! I AM L337 ADN SO I USE TEH LUNIX!!! hahaha rofl lolzor;)))) I AM TEH VIRGINA HAX0R hahaha i said virgin M$ IS EVIL AND MONOPLY!! onyl the p0W3rz of 0p3n 50ur(3 kin save uss. GO LUNIX!!!!@
Heh heh, you must not be familiar with Virginia politics. First, the candidates are judged on the clearness of their skin and the firmness of their buttocks. My skin is clear and my buttocks hard as rock, so I am unconcerned with passing this test. Next is the spitting competition. Virigina public servants must have excellent spitting skills. Because of my years spent "training" in Greek bathhouses, my spitting skills are second only to my swallowing skills, which are excellent. Finally, pig wrasslin'. Each candidate much wrassle a pig to the ground, stick it with a bowie knife, and eat its heart. This proves the tenacity of the candidate to fight for the people's will. Only after these three tests have been passed can a candidate be voted for. Public hearings have very little to do with it.
Hey, SHUT THE FUCK UP! Who are YOU to tell ME how to campaign? I'm smooth and sexy! I have a BMW that my dad bought me! I have a gift certificate to The Gap! Nothing can stop me, NOTHING! After I'm elected, I'm going to have you imprisoned for terrorism. After all, in this time of national need, we should be standing for and with our candidates, not against them -- and anyone who does anything else is making the natioan vulnerable to terrorist attack. Hey, are you posting from AFGHANISTAN? Yeah, I THOUGHT SO! BOOYAH!
You're a smart guy, you know that? I'd like to have you in my cabinet after I'm eventually elected governor. There's just one catch, though: you'll have to be naked. Yes, I plan on having Virginia's first Naked Cabinet. Body piercings may be allowed, as long as cloth is not draped from piercing-to-piercing like tent, but that's it. So how about it? Will you be my Naked Comptroller? Or perhaps my Naked Special Prosecutor? There's going to be free pretzels for everyone -- it's gonna rock!
Actually, I have a better idea: free blowjobs. I'll be waiting outside the pollbooths on election day, giving blowjobs to whomever has a valid voter receipt with my name on it. Normally the Lord looks down upon homosexuality, but He has given me special permission just this once, so that We may be assured of winning. So come on, come all! (Pun intended!) Get out the vote, then get your cock out of your pants! Rock the vote, and I'll rock your world! Where's Waldo? On his knees! Oh, baby!
The Washington Post Online ran a story this afternoon which purported to prove that I am indeed none other than the Goatse.cx man. Working summers selling Avon beauty products door-to-door has taught me on thing: never tell a lie. So I graciously admit that yes, that is my anus. (That's not my bird, though.) Now that I've come clean and all of my skeletons are out of my anus^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hthe closet, I shall return to campaigning with a new vigour. Anal Victory in 2002! I only hope that my supporters, and Jesus, will forgive me for not proclaiming my Internet celebrity sooner.
Hi, it's great to talk to you again -- thanks for helping me with that SCSI driver at the last CHARLUG meeting. Trust me, license issues are key in my drive to expel Microsoft from government computing. Remember the mess in VA Beach? That could happen to any one of our local or even state agencies, crippling operations. Any decent central government office cannot be open to such possible security and productivity damage by corporate interests. We, and Open Source, shall prevail in the Land of the Free.
Remember that Red Hat is in North Carolina, too. I don't know how you folks feel about the triangle, but you may be able to work up some small regional pride there if you can't find any local developers.
It gets even better than that. Prof. Gore intends to drastically improve relations with China, so much so that a team of Red Flag developers is scheduled to set up shop in Herndon sometime in Winter 2005. Working only a couple hours' drive from Red Hat HQ will improve both companies' technology and business strategy. In fact, I'm even hoping that Herndon will become sort of a central planning headquarters for our Open Source agenda around the world.
Unfortunately, you are stuck in the 20th Century, right-wing mindset that has caused more damage to America than any terrorist attack. Once I am elected, I will be able to change the law. God mandates that the people will use Linux, and as an instrument of God, I will help get started. Virginians are rugged indivualists, and are free to reject the ultra-capitalist Redmond computing paradigm if they see fit. But, more importantly, we'll be doing to right thing spiritually. And I don't think you can argue with that.
Please, everyone, it's very important that you "get out the vote." God mandates it, and I am sorely needed to carry out the Lord's work. We need to crack down on the peverts and humanists who threaten to destroy Virginia's wholesome, Christian image. So please, "get out the vote," and pray for my victory at church this Sunday.
Virginia needs to be a place where Americans can live in freedom and harmony, without interference from terrorists and other outsiders. Some of you may say that we risk violating minorities' civil rights, but why? Our safety must be foremost in mind. If some of them get trampled by the American Eagle's rush to secure or borders, so be it.
Finally, Open Source is very important to Virgina. There are a lot of Republicans in this state, and we need to win them over quickly so that Prof. Gore is sure to win in 2004. The quickest way to get more Democrats is by promoting our socialist agenda through innocuous commercial products. Technology is another way. Combine the two, and you can't lose. That's why, if elected, I will negotiate with the PRC to provide copies of Red Flag Linux to every citizen at a nominal cost. By the time that Prof. Gore returns to campaign next year, Virgina will be infused with socialist, Internet-enabled technology for the future. I can't wait!
In conclusion, remember that God says sinners will burn in Hell for all eternity if you disobey Him. Jesus can forgive a lot, but I don't know if He can forgive you for voting Republican.
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So did you use the oven? Did you take the shit out? How dry was it? After everyone left the room, did you lick it? How did you clean the oven? If you used the oven's auto-clean, did it stink up the kitchen?
As for finding the poop-etrator, I'd suspect any heterosexual male friends that you may have. A heterosexual man doesn't understand the deep sensual feelings that you people have for shit, and probably thought he was being funny. "Ha, ha! It is poop! And it is in his oven! I am a genius!" OTOH, if any of your queer buddies are shit pigs, they may been intended to heat-up the shit to eat, and merely forgotten about it. You can't ignore any possibilities!
It may have even been one of the fags who "found" it...
I are finding poodle head, but not to return to you because you are not popularity.
As for "cumming on mine," you're welcome to anytime!
Whoo, boy -- at first I thought that said powdered exoskeletons. Cyborg kool-aid, anyone?
Well, DUH! You just figure that out? NEWSFLASH: YHBT, YHL, HAND!
Yes, YHBT. But not by the story submitter -- please note that this account was created long after the story was posted. Anyway, YHL. HAND!
Yes, master. I shall correct the error in my ways, for tonight the Hellbeast comes forth from the Moon. The One is upon us. Pegboy out.
Suck me. Suck me. Suck me. Suck me. Suck me. Suck me. Suck me. Suck me blue. Ooooh... oh... oh... (grabbing paper towel)... that's better. Whew!
I was actually going to try this, but UVA is probably going to lose its university accredidation this fall, and I don't want to be associated with that scandal once the shit hits the fan. But thanks anyway, and vote Waldo: because Jesus will hate you if you don't!
Haha, but you're missing part of my ingenius plan! I have released my own distrobution of Linux called "Betterschoolsandlowertaxes." My campaign slogan is "Waldo: the only man^H^H^Hboy who can promise Betterschoolsandlowertaxes for each Virginia citizen!" Bwahahaha... by the time they discover my true intentions, Microsoft shall be expelled and it will be too late! Wow, I rock.
Don't worry, once I am elected, tickets will be distributed to each man according to his need, and collected from each man according to his ability to pay them.
You stupid fucking moro -- oh, wait, "no flames please." Sorry. You're just wrong, that's all, and God agrees with me. So does Jesus, for that matter. Maybe you should just stop talking now.
Yes, these are all very good points, but LUNIX IS TEH BEST!!@@ micro$loth is STUPID AND IS FOR BABIES!! I AM L337 ADN SO I USE TEH LUNIX!!! hahaha rofl lolzor ;)))) I AM TEH VIRGINA HAX0R hahaha i said virgin M$ IS EVIL AND MONOPLY!! onyl the p0W3rz of 0p3n 50ur(3 kin save uss. GO LUNIX!!!!@
Where are you from, North Carolina? Dumb hick!
Hey, SHUT THE FUCK UP! Who are YOU to tell ME how to campaign? I'm smooth and sexy! I have a BMW that my dad bought me! I have a gift certificate to The Gap! Nothing can stop me, NOTHING! After I'm elected, I'm going to have you imprisoned for terrorism. After all, in this time of national need, we should be standing for and with our candidates, not against them -- and anyone who does anything else is making the natioan vulnerable to terrorist attack. Hey, are you posting from AFGHANISTAN? Yeah, I THOUGHT SO! BOOYAH!
BTW, YHBT. YHL. HAND!
Yes, I'd have to say that it is definitely -- oh, wait... YHBT. YHL! HAND!
Ouch... didn't you know that YHBT? YHL! HAND!
You're a smart guy, you know that? I'd like to have you in my cabinet after I'm eventually elected governor. There's just one catch, though: you'll have to be naked. Yes, I plan on having Virginia's first Naked Cabinet. Body piercings may be allowed, as long as cloth is not draped from piercing-to-piercing like tent, but that's it. So how about it? Will you be my Naked Comptroller? Or perhaps my Naked Special Prosecutor? There's going to be free pretzels for everyone -- it's gonna rock!
Actually, I have a better idea: free blowjobs. I'll be waiting outside the pollbooths on election day, giving blowjobs to whomever has a valid voter receipt with my name on it. Normally the Lord looks down upon homosexuality, but He has given me special permission just this once, so that We may be assured of winning. So come on, come all! (Pun intended!) Get out the vote, then get your cock out of your pants! Rock the vote, and I'll rock your world! Where's Waldo? On his knees! Oh, baby!
The Washington Post Online ran a story this afternoon which purported to prove that I am indeed none other than the Goatse.cx man. Working summers selling Avon beauty products door-to-door has taught me on thing: never tell a lie. So I graciously admit that yes, that is my anus. (That's not my bird, though.) Now that I've come clean and all of my skeletons are out of my anus^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hthe closet, I shall return to campaigning with a new vigour. Anal Victory in 2002! I only hope that my supporters, and Jesus, will forgive me for not proclaiming my Internet celebrity sooner.
Hi, it's great to talk to you again -- thanks for helping me with that SCSI driver at the last CHARLUG meeting. Trust me, license issues are key in my drive to expel Microsoft from government computing. Remember the mess in VA Beach? That could happen to any one of our local or even state agencies, crippling operations. Any decent central government office cannot be open to such possible security and productivity damage by corporate interests. We, and Open Source, shall prevail in the Land of the Free.
Unfortunately, you are stuck in the 20th Century, right-wing mindset that has caused more damage to America than any terrorist attack. Once I am elected, I will be able to change the law. God mandates that the people will use Linux, and as an instrument of God, I will help get started. Virginians are rugged indivualists, and are free to reject the ultra-capitalist Redmond computing paradigm if they see fit. But, more importantly, we'll be doing to right thing spiritually. And I don't think you can argue with that.
Virginia needs to be a place where Americans can live in freedom and harmony, without interference from terrorists and other outsiders. Some of you may say that we risk violating minorities' civil rights, but why? Our safety must be foremost in mind. If some of them get trampled by the American Eagle's rush to secure or borders, so be it.
Finally, Open Source is very important to Virgina. There are a lot of Republicans in this state, and we need to win them over quickly so that Prof. Gore is sure to win in 2004. The quickest way to get more Democrats is by promoting our socialist agenda through innocuous commercial products. Technology is another way. Combine the two, and you can't lose. That's why, if elected, I will negotiate with the PRC to provide copies of Red Flag Linux to every citizen at a nominal cost. By the time that Prof. Gore returns to campaign next year, Virgina will be infused with socialist, Internet-enabled technology for the future. I can't wait!
In conclusion, remember that God says sinners will burn in Hell for all eternity if you disobey Him. Jesus can forgive a lot, but I don't know if He can forgive you for voting Republican.
Thank you, and God bless Virginia.