Re:Names have been changed, addiction is real...
on
Pornified
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· Score: 1
Duuuuhhhh....after all that thoughtful diatribe, you'd think I could have gotten a name right.
The author of "Out of the Shadows" is Patrick Carnes.
(not Cairns!) My bad. Amazing how you misspell someone's name once and you remember the wrong spelling...
peace
-adb
Re:Names have been changed, addiction is real...
on
Pornified
·
· Score: 1
drgonzo59 -
Well, and this just keeps going on and on, like walking on the edge of the clif, on the one side my job, family and normal life, on the other porn, with isolation, loneliness and depression.
That pretty well sums it up, dosen't it? And it sucks, it really, really, really bites.
But it is. It's where you're at now. It's true and it's real and as much as we want to stick our heads in the sand it ain't going away.
But there is hope. Check out Cairns book, it's excellent. By far the best I've read. (I've read 5-6 in my course of recovery) The AA big-book is helpful too. As a matter of fact SAA just released a "big book" of their own. From what I've seen it's excellent.
Based on the fact I know nothing about you, (where you're at, what your situation is) if you do want to end the roller coaster, I'd encourage you to:
Seek out a support group. The links to SA and SAA in the original post should get you in contact with someone in your area. If you can't find an SA or SAA group, see if you can find an open AA meeting or another 12 step meeting. It won't be perfect, but it will help. As addicts we isolate, believing we're hopeless. We are not. You are not. But you do need help from others.
Educate yourself. Cairns did much of the original (and still best, IMHO) work on sexual addiction and recovery. Self-knowledge isn't "the" answer, but it's a large piece
Seek competent therapy. Preferably from someone who regularly deals w/sex addiction issues. That said, I recently switched from a "reasonably competent" therapist to another one due to insurance reasons. The new one, while she dosen't deal with sex addiction, is an ex pot addict (she's "been there" w/regards to addiction) and has much more to give.
I've found for myself and in every group I've been in, sex addiction isn't "the issue", it's merely a symptom of a deeper problem. (Of course, the symptom can kill you! =^) ) After being in accountability/men's groups for almost 2 years, I realized that while I had addressed some of the behavior, I really wasn't getting to the root. It's kind of like salving and bandaging and anesthetizing the boil, but never having the courage to lance it and get the puss out.
What the author of the book (at least, according to the reviewer) said -- Some people have problems, they are addicted, they can't stop on their own... and everyone else's right to view this must be restricted to protect them.
Alcohol is restricted to age 21 and up. Tobacoo 18 and up. Is this restricting to protect everyone? Or is it recognizing that the substance can be abused and has serious consequences if so?
What is addictive for one is not for another. YMMV. (your monkey may vary)
peace
-adb
Names have been changed, addiction is real...
on
Pornified
·
· Score: 5, Interesting
I haven't read the book, so I cannot vouch for it's accuracy nor it's tone. I can, however, say that from personal experience this is an issue. As a recovering porn addict I can also attest to the fact that it _is_ an addiction in the clinical sense. The chemicals released in the brain during orgasm have been estimated to be 6x as powerful as morphine. (alas, they do not last as long!)
Before you too readily sneer at my assertion that I'm an addict, consider this:
I used to surf porn at work ~ when I knew there was a zero tolerance policy and I would well lose my job. I _wanted_ to stop. It wasn't _doing_ anything for me. But I _couldn't_. (and don't give me any shit about "if you wanted to you could." Know any alcoholics? Ask them just how easy it is to "just say no"...)
I'm in fucking IT (heh), so I know there is no such thing as "anonymous" access.
Yes, I've pulled the NIC from my system after one binge out of fear that I'd be traced.
Porn does kill intimacy. It objectifies the opposite sex. It conveniently numbs pretty much everything emotion-related. (as a survival mechanism for dealing with life not being happy, it works well)
Porn is NOT a problem for everyone ~ just as alcohol and illegal narcotics had zero appeal to me not everyone will get "hooked" on porn.
That said, it is a very, very powerful draw. Seemingly anonymous and free, (ha! tell that to the men and women in my SAA group that have spent hours and hours and hours and lost marriages/families/self respect!) it seems like a perfect "clean", and harmless addiction.
like any good drug addiction, it does need to have the ante upped. I started with soft core stuff, but with the availability via the internet I was able to progress...rapidly.
Does this make "the internet" bad? Of course not. I'm just saying that's how I got to it.
Sound like insane behavior? Risking your job, your family (yes, I'm married and have 3 kids) for looking at some (not-even-real) titty? Sounds insane to me. Even when I was doing it and couldn't stop, it sounded insane.
Does this remove responsibility for action? Absolutly not. I decided to do what I did. There were reasons for it, but ultimately I am responsible for my actions.
Those who haven't experienced the insanity of an addiction cannot empathize, and really cannot understand. And I accept that. But for those of you out there who are struggling with this you're not alone. It is real. And no, you can't stop on your own. You've tried ~ remember? You've promised yourself never again (after being picked up/jailed/publically humiliated).
All that to say, porn isn't really the core issue. As with drugs/alcohol/workaholism/etc, it was my way of dealing with life/stress/pain.
Slashdot Mirror
The author of "Out of the Shadows" is Patrick Carnes.
(not Cairns!) My bad. Amazing how you misspell someone's name once and you remember the wrong spelling...
peace
-adb
Well, and this just keeps going on and on, like walking on the edge of the clif, on the one side my job, family and normal life, on the other porn, with isolation, loneliness and depression.
That pretty well sums it up, dosen't it? And it sucks, it really, really, really bites.
But it is. It's where you're at now. It's true and it's real and as much as we want to stick our heads in the sand it ain't going away.
But there is hope. Check out Cairns book, it's excellent. By far the best I've read. (I've read 5-6 in my course of recovery) The AA big-book is helpful too. As a matter of fact SAA just released a "big book" of their own. From what I've seen it's excellent.
Based on the fact I know nothing about you, (where you're at, what your situation is) if you do want to end the roller coaster, I'd encourage you to:
I've found for myself and in every group I've been in, sex addiction isn't "the issue", it's merely a symptom of a deeper problem. (Of course, the symptom can kill you! =^) ) After being in accountability/men's groups for almost 2 years, I realized that while I had addressed some of the behavior, I really wasn't getting to the root. It's kind of like salving and bandaging and anesthetizing the boil, but never having the courage to lance it and get the puss out.
Painful.
Ugly.
But necessary for full healing.
Blessings, and good luck. -adb
Alcohol is restricted to age 21 and up. Tobacoo 18 and up. Is this restricting to protect everyone? Or is it recognizing that the substance can be abused and has serious consequences if so?
What is addictive for one is not for another. YMMV. (your monkey may vary)
peace
-adb
Before you too readily sneer at my assertion that I'm an addict, consider this:
- I used to surf porn at work ~ when I knew there was a zero tolerance policy and I would well lose my job. I _wanted_ to stop. It wasn't _doing_ anything for me. But I _couldn't_. (and don't give me any shit about "if you wanted to you could." Know any alcoholics? Ask them just how easy it is to "just say no"...)
- I'm in fucking IT (heh), so I know there is no such thing as "anonymous" access.
- Yes, I've pulled the NIC from my system after one binge out of fear that I'd be traced.
- Porn does kill intimacy. It objectifies the opposite sex. It conveniently numbs pretty much everything emotion-related. (as a survival mechanism for dealing with life not being happy, it works well)
- Porn is NOT a problem for everyone ~ just as alcohol and illegal narcotics had zero appeal to me not everyone will get "hooked" on porn.
- That said, it is a very, very powerful draw. Seemingly anonymous and free, (ha! tell that to the men and women in my SAA group that have spent hours and hours and hours and lost marriages/families/self respect!) it seems like a perfect "clean", and harmless addiction.
- like any good drug addiction, it does need to have the ante upped. I started with soft core stuff, but with the availability via the internet I was able to progress...rapidly.
Sound like insane behavior? Risking your job, your family (yes, I'm married and have 3 kids) for looking at some (not-even-real) titty? Sounds insane to me. Even when I was doing it and couldn't stop, it sounded insane.Does this make "the internet" bad? Of course not. I'm just saying that's how I got to it.
Does this remove responsibility for action? Absolutly not. I decided to do what I did. There were reasons for it, but ultimately I am responsible for my actions.
Those who haven't experienced the insanity of an addiction cannot empathize, and really cannot understand. And I accept that. But for those of you out there who are struggling with this you're not alone. It is real. And no, you can't stop on your own. You've tried ~ remember? You've promised yourself never again (after being picked up/jailed/publically humiliated).
All that to say, porn isn't really the core issue. As with drugs/alcohol/workaholism/etc, it was my way of dealing with life/stress/pain.
Patrick Cairns: Out of the Shadows is an excellent book dealing with both sex addiction as well as underlying issues.
Need to get help? Sex Addicts Anonymous and Sexaholics Anonymous are both based on the 12 steps of AA and work well. It's hard work, but recovery is possible.
I'm (trying) to blog bits and pieces of mine at http://cluelessrealist.blogspot.com/
My .02.
Peace.
-adb