Slashdot Mirror

Introduction

a natalie portman obsession is a wonderful thing. your entire being is consumed with thoughts of this hot young actress. your slashdot posting productivity is increased exponentially. you spend hours writing things you never would have previously thought yourself capable of.

many people are confused by the process of developing and maintaining a natalie portman obsession while simultaneously surviving in the real world. this howto will attempt to help you deal with this fascinating endeavour you have chosen to undertake.

Find a Girlfriend

your first step toward utter obsession, ironically enough, begins with another woman completely. i know your spine is probably crawling at the very thought of another woman. trust me, this method has worked since the release of the professional and you will thank me for it later.

if you are lucky, you will find a girl who is already named natalie, making your job easier later on. if your new sweety is not named natalie, it's ok, we can work it out! if, on the other hand, you do find a woman whose name is natalie and, furthermore, her last name is portman, then please contact me at once. give me as much information about this woman and yourself as you possibly can, including a detailed listing of all things you are allergic to in decreasing order of severity.

unfortunately, the actual process of finding and attracting a woman is beyond the scope of this document. please consult the "howto find and attract a woman who is not natalie portman" document. the most important piece of advice i can give you is to repeat to yourself, "i am a tech-savvy slashdotter and, damnit, women like me."

The Target of Your Obsession

now that you have a girlfriend lined up, you can concentrate on developing your obsession. you must visit the important sites: natalieportman.com, the natalie portman faq and slashdot.org are good places to start.

see every natalie portman movie made as many times as you can while maintaining a job and a semi-normal sleep pattern. this will give you something to do with your new girlfriend. see the natalie portman faq for a complete list of natalie portman films.

natalie does a lot of photo-shoots. magazines provide a wealth of interviews and photos of the object of your new obsession. see j-14, seventeen and hot young actresses. you may be distracted by other cute teen girls featured in these magazines... stay focused on the one true object of your desires!

don't forget the queen amidala poster on the wall behind your computer! once your obsession is in full swing, it will actually talk to you!

From Rabid Fan to Certified Psychopath

at this point, you are becoming addicted to natalie's firm, teen rump and pouting, teen breasts. that cute nose. those big, brown eyes. her sensuous lips. her long, dark hair.

the process of obsession is pretty much on autopilot at this point. remember that new girlfriend you got back at the beginning of the howto? well, you do, don't you? your new "hobby" is quickly becoming deeply entrenched. before you lose all control, you need to prepare your new girlfriend. begin by calling her "natalie" from time to time. she may not be completely receptive at first, but be patient. tell her it's just a pet name. assure her you have never known anyone named "natalie" before.

once your girlfriend has accepted that you are going to call her natalie, you may start to request that she recite natalie's lines in movies. see the natalie portman faq for some good natalie portman lines.

at this point, you are pretty much deeply obsessed. you may require that your girlfriend wear a queen amidala mask during sex. you will likely come up with ideas of your own. for all intents and purposes, your girlfriend is natalie portman!

Giving Back to the Community

at this point, you may, like me, decide you wish to give back to the community which has given you so much. the community of natalie portman fans. everyone knows that slashdot is the hangout of choice for natalie portman fans. they would love to see any natalie portman poetry, fiction, love-letters and fantasies that you may have created. give of yourself, as natalie has given of herself!

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Of course, don't forget to read vladinator's emails! Here you will discover how truly difficult it is to decide what to do on the weekends... have a pizza party? A fash party? Go to the mall with all of your friends? Have a sleepover and call boys on the phone?

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Of course, don't forget to read vladinator's emails! Here you will discover how truly difficult it is to decide what to do on the weekends... have a pizza party? A fash party? Go to the mall with all of your friends? Have a sleepover and call boys on the phone?

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Of course, don't forget to read vladinator's emails! Here you will discover how truly difficult it is to decide what to do on the weekends... have a pizza party? A fash party? Go to the mall with all of your friends? Have a sleepover and call boys on the phone?

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Of course, don't forget to read vladinator's emails! Here you will discover how truly difficult it is to decide what to do on the weekends... have a pizza party? A fash party? Go to the mall with all of your friends? Have a sleepover and call boys on the phone?

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I just LOVE vladinator's site! Especially the "fash" section, where I learned to cut the bottom off of an old shirt to use as a hair enhancement! Oh, and the "dance party" photos!

Of course, don't forget to read vladinator's emails! Here you will discover how truly difficult it is to decide what to do on the weekends... have a pizza party? A fash party? Go to the mall with all of your friends? Have a sleepover and call boys on the phone?

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I just LOVE vladinator's site! Especially the "fash" section, where I learned to cut the bottom off of an old shirt to use as a hair enhancement! Oh, and the "dance party" photos!

Of course, don't forget to read vladinator's emails! Here you will discover how truly difficult it is to decide what to do on the weekends... have a pizza party? A fash party? Go to the mall with all of your friends? Have a sleepover and call boys on the phone?

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I just LOVE vladinator's site! Especially the "fash" section, where I learned to cut the bottom off of an old shirt to use as a hair enhancement! Oh, and the "dance party" photos!

Of course, don't forget to read vladinator's emails! Here you will discover how truly difficult it is to decide what to do on the weekends... have a pizza party? A fash party? Go to the mall with all of your friends? Have a sleepover and call boys on the phone?

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I just LOVE vladinator's site! Especially the "fash" section, where I learned to cut the bottom off of an old shirt to use as a hair enhancement! Oh, and the "dance party" photos!

Of course, don't forget to read vladinator's emails! Here you will discover how truly difficult it is to decide what to do on the weekends... have a pizza party? A fash party? Go to the mall with all of your friends? Have a sleepover and call boys on the phone?

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