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Sen. Joe Rabbit (R-TX) introduced legislation today that would make owning a screwdriver a federal crime, punishable by a mandatory minimum sentence of two years. The unlicensed manufacture or distribution of screwdrivers would be punishable by a mandatory minimum of ten years for a first offense.
"The screwdriver can be used for a wide variety of illegal acts," said Jane Doe, chief aide to Sen. Rabbit, in a press conference earlier today. "It can be used for lock-picking, for sabotaging machinery, and as a tool in reverse engineering of products. Imagine if terrorists were to use a screwdriver maliciously on a crowded airplane. This is a security risk our country cannot afford to take. Think of the children. "
The White House expressed some concerns about the possible negative impact of the legislation, but the legislation is attached as a rider to SB78692A, a spending package that enjoys substantial bipartisan support. President Gates is unlikely to veto the whole package this close to the presidential election, especially given that the race between him and Sen. Ellison has narrowed considerably in recent weeks.
The rider makes an exception for "federally licensed engineers." Doe was unclear about how such a licensing scheme would be implemented, but she made it fairly clear that licenses would not be given to home users.
"Countless tragedies have occurred when improperly trained individuals have taken it upon themselves to fix a toilet, work on a car, or other commonly bungled household repair jobs," Doe stated. "Some of these improper repairs have caused risk to children. This legislation will ensure that only certified technicians will be using these tools, and that will ensure everyone's safety. How would you feel if criminals used a screwdriver to pick your locks, break into your home, and threaten your children? We must be proactive in our fight against crime!"
Certain dissident groups, including the ACLU and the NRA, decried the legislation as yet another example of the erosion of personal freedoms in the United States. They also questioned the feasibility of enforcing this law, given that there are hundreds of millions of screwdrivers in households across the United States.
"This legislation strikes right at the very fabric of this society," said Ted Campbell, spokesman for the ACLU. "America was built on personal ingenuity and a can-do spirit. Besides, how on Earth will it be possible to enforce this?"
Doe handily dismissed such criticisms. "Enforcement will be difficult, but the Senator has a plan," she said. "In fact, the Senator is already drafting legislation that will expand police powers so that random, anonymous searches of homes for illegal tools can be conducted. "
She added that the bill has support from several major unions, including electricians' and plumbers' unions, and is lauded by many manufacturers of consumer goods.