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Hardware Configuration Tools for Linux?
Uttles asks: "I recently installed Mandrake 8.1 on my machine at home and as a Linux Newbie I have been having trouble getting all of my hardware to perform correctly. The Mandrake distribution comes with a config tool called HardDrake but I have not found it very useful. It displays every piece of hardware, but it doesn't give you the option to install or configure drivers for that hardware. In fact, the only functionality it has is a "run config tool" button that for some devices launches a configuration application. I have been told that Red Hat and other distributions have similar tools, and none are very powerful. So now I am asking Slashdot: What is the best hardware configuration tool, either GUI or text based, for Linux systems?"
(Scene opens to a sitting room. Low sexy lighting and soft sexy music. On the sofa are Victor and Iris just beginning to make passes at each other.)
Victor (Graham Chapman): Would you mind terribly if I hold your hand?
Iris (Carol Cleveland): Oh no, not at all.
Victor: Oh Iris, you're so very beautiful.
Iris: Oh, do you really mean that?
Victor: I do, I do, I do. I think I'm beginning to fall in love with you.
Iris: Oh Victor.
Victor: It's silly isn't it?
Iris: No, no, not at all dear sweet Victor.
Victor: No I didn't mean that. Only just us being so close together for so many months in the soft-toy department and yet never daring to...
Iris: Oh, oh Victor.
Victor: Oh Iris. (they move closer to kiss; just before their lips meet the doorbell rings) Who can that be?
Iris: Oh, well you try and get rid of them.
Victor: Yes I will, I will.
(Victor opens the front door. Arthur Name is standing outside the door.)
Arthur (Eric Idle): Hello!
Victor: Hello?
Arthur: Remember me?
Victor: No I'm...
Arthur: In the pub. The tall thin one with the moustache, remember? About three years ago?
Victor: No, I don't I'm afraid.
Arthur: Oh, blimey, it's dark in here, (switches light on) that's better. Only you said we must have a drink together sometime, so I thought I'd take you up on it as the film society meeting was cancelled this evening.
Victor: Look, to be frank, it is a little awkward this evening.
Arthur: (stepping in; to Iris) Hello, I'm Arthur. Arthur Name. Name by name but not by nature. I always say that, don't I Vicky boy?
Victor: Really?
Arthur: (to Victor) Is that your wife?
Victor: Er, no, actually.
Arthur: Oh, I get the picture. Eh? Well don't worry about me Vicky boy, I know all about one-night stands.
Victor: I beg your pardon?
Arthur: Mind if I change the record? (takes the record off)
Victor: Look, look, we put that on.
Arthur: Here's a good one, I heard it in a pub. What's brown, what's brown and sounds like a bell?
Victor: I beg your pardon?
Arthur: What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung! Ha, ha, ha, that's a good one. I like that one, I won't keep you long. (the gramophone plays the 'Liberty Bell March' very loud) That's better, now don't worry about me. I'll wait here till you've finished.
(The doorbell rings again.)
Victor: Who the hell...
Arthur: I'll get it. It'll be friends of mine. I took the liberty of inviting them along.
Victor: Look, we were hoping to have a quiet evening on our own.
Arthur: Oh, they won't mind. They're very broad-minded. Hello!
(He opens the door; Mr and Mrs Equator walk in and go straight up to Victor.)
Brian (John Cleese): Good evening. My name is Equator, Brian Equator. Like round the middle of the Earth, only with an L. (wheezing laugh) This is my wife Audrey, she smells a bit but she has a heart of gold.
Audrey (Terry Jones): Hello, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...
Victor: There must have been some kind of misunderstanding, because this is not the...
Brian: Who's that then?
Victor: What?
Brian: Who's the bird?
Victor: I'm...
Brian: You got a nice pair there haven't you love? (puts hand on Iris's boobs and gives a wet kiss; Iris screams) Shut up you silly bitch, it was only a bit of fun.
Victor: Now look here...
Brian: Big gin please.
Arthur: I'll get it.
Victor: (going after Arthur) Look, leave those drinks alone.
Audrey: And three tins of beans for me please.
Brian: I told you to lay off the beans, you whore!
Audrey: I only want three cans.
Brian: Button your lip you rat-bag. (laughs uproariously)
Audrey: (joins in) Ha, ha, ha, ha!!
Brian: It was rather witty, wasn't it? Where's my gin?
(The doorbell rings again)
Victor: Who the hell's that?
Brian: Oh, I took the liberty of inviting an old friend along, as his wife has just passed away, and he's somewhat distraught poor chap. I hope you don't mind.
Arthur: (opening door) Come on in.
(In walks Mr Freight in underpants, sequins, eye make-up, white wellies, and necklace.)
Mr Freight (Terry Gilliam): Oh? My God, what a simply ghastly place.
Brian: Not too good is it? A pint of creme de menthe for my friend. Well how are you, you great poof? (sits down) Bit lumpy. Ah, no wonder, I was sitting on the cat. (throws it into fire)
Iris: Aaaagh! Boo boo hooo.
Mr Freight: I've asked along a simply gorgeous little man I picked up outside the Odeon.
Brian: Is he sexy then?
(In walks Mr Cook with a goat. Freight kisses him.)
Mr Cook (Michael Palin): I had to bring the goat, he's not well. I only hope he don't go on the carpet.
Brian: (to Iris) Come on then love, drop 'em.
Iris: Aaaaaaagh! (runs out)
Brian: Blimey, she don't go much do she?
(He sits in chair which collapses.)
Audrey: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, oooooh! I've wet 'em
Mr Cook: The goat's just done a bundle.
(A group of singers run on, dressed as Welsh miners. All talk at once.)
Victor: Look, get out all of you. Go on. Get out! Get out!
Brian: I beg your pardon?
Victor: I'm turning you all out. I'm not having my house filled with filthy perverts, now look, I'm giving you just half a minute then I'm going to call the police, so get out.
Brian: I don't much like the tone of your voice. (shoots him) Right let's have a ding dong.
All: (singing) Ding dong merrily on high, in Heaven the bells are ringing etc...