Satire Wire's New Spam Poets Crowned

Yorrike writes: "With over 600 entries, the winners of Satire Wire's Second Annual Poetry Competition have been announced. I guess my adaptation of Rime of the Ancient Mariner didn't make the cut ;)" Nothing like some howling laughter to cut through one's baleful bellows of pure spam-related rage.

Comments

Beavis and Butthead would be proud.

[Eneff]

Beavis: "huh huh hu huh they said penis huh hu hu uhhhh..."

Butthead: "shut up Beavis"

Why didn't I enter ( I love to mess with spam )!

[el'gwato]

My war on spam begins with all Spammers, but it does not end there. It will not end until every spamming group of global reach has been found, stopped and defeated.

These spamists spam not merely to waste bandwidth, but to disrupt and end a way of life. With every piece of unsolicited mail, they hope that genuine e-mailers grow fearful, retreating from cyber space and forsaking news groups. They stand against me, because I stand in their way.

I am not deceived by their pretenses to piety. I have seen their kind before. They are the heirs of all the spamist ideologies of the 20th century. By sacrificing bandwidth to serve their advertising visions -- by abandoning every value except the will to power -- they follow in the path of fascism, and Nazism, and totalitarianism. And they will follow that path all the way, to where it ends: in history's unmarked grave of discarded trash cans.

My response involves far more than instant retaliation and isolated replies.
I should not expect one battle, but a lengthy campaign, unlike any other we have ever seen. It may include dramatic e-mails to ISP's, visible to News groups, and covert operations, secret even in success. I will starve spamists of funding, turn them one against another, drive them from ISP to ISP, until there is no refuge or no rest. And I will pursue ISP's that provide aid or safe haven to spammers. Every ISP, in every region, now has a decision to make. Either you are with me, or you are with the spamists.

From this day forward, any ISP that continues to harbor or support spamists will be regarded by me as a hostile regime.

Remove this email address from everywhere you have it in any form that it may be in. I do not want to receive email from you, people who work with/for/around you, people you know even vaguely or even have heard of, people you communicate in any form to, people who look like you.

From now on, I want to never know you, or any product/service/person/etc that you know of.

Given that you're a spammer who thinks they aren't a spammer, you may have found the above too vague. Ergo: please piss off.