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Hola by Anonymous Coward · 2002-04-20 10:49 · Score: -1, Troll

Hola amigos post primero

Re:Hola by Anonymous Coward · 2002-04-20 10:53 · Score: -1, Troll

Urgh, the spanish fly is actually the pisty fist, and not me :-(

-sinserve
Re:Hola by Anonymous Coward · 2002-04-20 10:55 · Score: -1, Troll

Porque cuando yo hablo espanol ellos llaman mi un 'troll' Yo no soy un 'troll'. Tu no sabes que yo estoy.
Re:Hola by Anonymous Coward · 2002-04-20 11:01 · Score: -1, Troll

Que carajo? YO NO SOY UN TROLL, tu no vas a lammar mi un troll.
Re:Hola by Anonymous Coward · 2002-04-20 11:12 · Score: -1, Troll

Yo dicho el su no ir a llamarme un troll. Necesito golpear su asno con el pie para usted, o usted va a escuchar?

hehhe by Anonymous Coward · 2002-04-20 10:50 · Score: -1, Troll

fist post :-)

-sinserve

--

fp 2nd by Anonymous Coward · 2002-04-20 10:50 · Score: -1, Troll

2nd this day!

My take on this subject... by Anonymous Coward · 2002-04-20 10:52 · Score: -1, Troll

THE CUCUMBER AND BEST FRIEND SESSION

Hey hey, Tommy here. I have a story in the high school section about my first time, which was with my little brother's hottie f riend a couple of months ago.

Anyway, as with most of us guys, masturbation has always been a big part of my life. Ever since I can remember, I've been choki ng the chicken on a daily basis. Starting puberty at 11, I've masturbated at least once a day ever since. If I miss a day, then I more than make up for it the next time. So, masturbating at least 7 times a week for the past 6 years or so, (I'm now 17), that ad ds up to a fair amount of cum ejaculated from my ball sac!

One of my favourite things to do while wanking is to stick phallic shaped objects up my ass. These have included my fing ers, dildoes, cucumbers and anything basically resembling a cock!

Laying spread-eagled on my bed one day, slowly stroking my uncut 6.5" dick, I massaged my hairless balls between my fingers, mo aning loudly. I reached under my bed, feeling for my newly purchased friend, Mr. Cucumber...

Finding the vegetable, I grabbed the lube and slowly lubed it up, spreading some on my expectant asshole. Thinking of what lay ahead, I slid a finger up my puckered boy hole. Then two. After adding a third, I thought it was enough so I set about getting the cucumber ready again.

Rubbing my lubed up swollen knob sent shivers of delight down my back. Doing that was gonna make me cum if I didn't stop! My ba lls lobbed from side to side with the sudden pick up of pace with which I was beating my meat. I picked up the cucumber and pla ced the rounded end against my hole, feeling myself opening up for the glorious pleasure maker. Slipping it in sent huge rippl es of delight through me. I slowly slid the vegetable in and out, all the time jerking off. After a few minutes of furious beating and fucking, I was very close to cumming.

"Knock, knock...," was all I heard before my best friend Mark barged in with an armful of school books.

"Whoa! What the hell?" was his shocked response to my little bit of exhibitionism, before bursting into a fit of laughter.

With my gorgeous best friend watching, a cucumber lodged up my ass and my frantically jacking off, it only took me about ten se conds more to burst forth with my sticky white juice. A huge glob flew at Mark and landed at his feet, before I threw my le gs in the air, with the rest of my cum landing on my chest and face.

With Mark's raucous laughter still in my ears, I slowly pulled my cock, easing the last remaining drops of cum out, putting my fingers to my lips.

"Man, that's fuckin' sick, eating your own cum," he said, grinning.

"Yeah, well, I like the taste," I smiled, "and don't deny you don't do it!" I said, before wiping my finger over each drop of c um on my body and taking it to my hungry mouth.

Mark continued laughing and started walking out.

"Meet you out front in 5," he said, "give you some time to clean up."

He strolled out, still shaking his head and laughing.

I was very satisfied. Although I have no doubts that Mark was totally straight, it didn't hurt to fantasise about my tanned and gorgeous friend. His face and body are a recurring image in my masturbatory fantasies.

Anal intercourse tips and hints by Anonymous Coward · 2002-04-20 10:58 · Score: -1, Troll

Tip #1: Play Safe

There are some serious safety issues regarding anal sex that you need to be aware of at all times. First and foremost, whatever touches the anus shouldn't be touching anything else. Never never never take the penis out of the anus and put it into the vagina. That can lead to serious infections and other complications. After any kind of anal play, you should immediately change condoms and wash the relevant body parts thoroughly.

Of course, STDs are also a major concern with anal sex. This isn't just limited to AIDS; herpes, genital warts, syphilis, gonorrhea, etc. can all be transmitted through anal sex. You simply shouldn't be having anal sex without a condom; it's not worth the risk to either partner.

Tip #2: Lube, lube, lube

One of the most important thing to remember when thinking about anal sex is that, unlike the vagina, the anus isn't self-lubricating: you gotta bring your own grease. And, the more lube you use, the better. It will make the initial penetration much more easy and less painful for the woman and make the whole experience, for both of you, much more pleasant.

All kinds of lube are used for anal sex, from spit to Vaseline to high-tech silicone-based lubes. We'd strongly recommend spending a little money to get a high quality water-based lubricant; remember, an oil-based lubricant like Vaseline will degrade the latex in a condom, destroying its usefulness. We'd recommend products like AstroGlide or KY Jelly, available in any drug store. Note, though a condom may be "lubricated", they typically don't offer as much lube as we'd recommend for anal sex.

There are some specialty lubes designed for anal sex that include an anesthetic to numb the woman's sensation and make anal sex less painful. We'd advise against these products. The simple fact is, pain is a way of your body telling you that something's wrong. If you're in pain during anal sex, you need to focus on solving the root problems, not anesthetizing yourself so it's easier to endure.

Tip #3: Start Small

Simply put, a penis is an awful big to be the first thing you stick up someone's butt. Better to start with something smaller and work your way up. Fingers are an excellent beginning point. Use one finger, then two, to initiate your partner into the mysteries of anal penetration. Try it while performing oral sex for an extra thrill. Be sure not to forget the lube, and you might also want to wear latex gloves.

As your partner gets used to your fingers, you might graduate to a butt plug or a small dildo. Dildos are available in all shapes and sizes. Go shopping together to get one she thinks she can handle. Remember, though, don't put the dildo into the vagina after putting it into the anus. The safest way is to put a condom on the dildo before using it, and to wash it thoroughly immediately after.

I want more anus! Suck my anus! by Anonymous Coward · 2002-04-20 11:13 · Score: -1, Troll

88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 8/88888\8888888888888\888888888888/8888\8888888 |8888888|8888888888888\8888888888|888888|888888 |8888888`.8888888888888|888888888|8888888:88888 `88888888|8888888888888|88888888\|8888888|88888 8\8888888|8/8888888/88\\\888--__8\\8888888:8888 88\888888\/888_--~~8888888888~--__|8\88888|8888 888\888888\_-~88888888888888888888~-_\8888|8888 0000\_00000\00000000_.--------.______\|000|0000 000000\00000\______//0_0___0_0(_(__>00\000|000 0 0000000\000.00C0___)00______0(_(____>00|00/000 0 0000000/\0|000C0____)/ \0(_____>00|_/00000 000000/0/\|000C_____) |00(___>000/00\0000 00000|000(000_C_____)\______/00//0_/0/00000\000 00000|0000\00|__000\\_________//0(__/0000000|00 0000|0\0000\____)000`----000--'0000000000000|00 0000|00\_0000000000___\ /_0000000000_/0|0 000|00000000000000/0000| |00\000000000000| 000|0000000000000|0000/ \00\00000000000|0 666|6666666666/6/6666| |66\66666666666|0 666|666666666/6/666666\__/\___/6666|6666666666| 66|66666666666/66666666| |6666666|666666666| 66|6666666666|666666666| |6666666|666666666|

88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 8/88888\8888888888888\888888888888/8888\8888888 |8888888|8888888888888\8888888888|888888|888888 123456789012345678 |8888888`.8888888888888|888888888|8888888:88888 `88888888|8888888888888|88888888\|8888888|88888 8\8888888|8/8888888/88\\\888--__8\\8888888:8888 88\888888\/888_--~~8888888888~--__|8\88888|8888 123456789012 888\888888\_-~88888888888888888888~-_\8888|8888 0000\_00000\00000000_.--------.______\|000|0000 000000\00000\______//0_0___0_0(_(__>00\000|000 0 a0000000\000.00C0___)00______0(_(____>00|00/000 0 0000000/\0|000C0____)/ \0(_____>00|_/00000 000000/0/\|000C_____) |00(___>000/00\0000 00000|000(000_C_____)\______/00//0_/0/00000\000 00000|0000\00|__000\\_________//0(__/0000000|00 0000|0\0000\____)000`----000--'0000000000000|00 0000|00\_0000000000___\ /_0000000000_/0|0 asdasdasdasdasd 000|00000000000000/0000| |00\000000000000| alsjdhkjdhkajhakhqwe 000|0000000000000|0000/ \00\00000000000|0 666|6666666666/6/6666| |66\66666666666|0 666|666666666/6/666666\__/\___/6666|6666666666| basyguivfgyaeutgqgjsz 66|66666666666/66666666| |6666666|666666666| jqwbhrejkfio 66|6666666666|666666666| |6666666|666666666| jwqhrowuerir

My first gay sex experience by Anonymous Coward · 2002-04-20 11:20 · Score: -1, Troll

I was eight....yes 8 years of age. My parents had gone out and I had this 15 year old male babysitter. As I can recall he had blonde hair and blue eyes was hairless except a little tuft around the base of his cock. My brother was 4...and he had gone to sleep already. The babysitter asked me with a devilish twinkle in his eye if I "wanted to stay up later than I was supposed to?" Being the rambunctious precocious brat that I was I said "Yeah! What do I have to do?" He said "The first thing is you can't tell anyone about what we do...cause if you do...we'll both be in a LOT of trouble" Well....this was all I had to hear...he definitely had my interest piqued.....so I agreed. He told me that he was going to go into the bathroom and come back naked...and he watched me for a reaction....I waited. He came back from the bathroom with a hardon and a 'balloon' on his cock. (condom).... I couldn't figure out why he had this on...but then again I'd never seen a cock that big hard as a rock and it was very exciting and interesting. He sat down on the couch and told me to kneel between his legs....then instructed me on giving a blow job. I can acutely remember all of my senses...how he smelled. The sheen of light sweat on his brow. The hotness of his dick.....the smell of the latex.....it was all very heady (how's that for a pun?) and exhilirating......soon his body tensed and I felt his cock pulsating in my mouth...I took my mouth off of it and saw this stuff pumping out of it.....(I'm sure that's why he didn't have me suck him without a condom...I would have at my age thought he was pissing in my mouth and probably would have freaked out!)....he asked me to continue sucking....I did...and can even remember that the condom now moved beacause of the internal lubrication of his cum. It was VERY EXCITING. He patted my head and gently stood up. He asked me if I'd like him to do that to me and I said "Sure....why not?" He went back into the bathroom took off the condom ...I heard the toilet flush.....and then he returned to me......his cock was still rock hard....he was so hot looking and I was still VERY excited. He gently removed my flannel pj's and sat me down where he had been sitting a short while before. He leaned forward and in one wet open mouthed movem{ent encased my entire cock and balls with his hot wet mouth. My small penis was very hard but when I f{elt the {wetness and warmth of his hot mouth....I thought I had died and gone to HEAVEN. Of course at 8....I couldn't ejaculate yet but this feeling was INCREDIBLE!!! After a while he looked up at me and smiled and stopped. He babysat for me a couple of more times...we repeated the action.....with him adding the unbelievably hot gesture of licking my asshole. Then he moved out of state and I never saw him again. At 8....I was fortunate enought to form my sexual credo which was IF IT FEELS GOOD AND YOU DON'T HURT ANYBODY....WHY NOT? I've lived my entire life that way. Up until 5 years ago I was married...h ad a kid and sometimes (unknown to my wife) played around on the side with guys. Now I'm (happily) divorced and gay. I sometimes think of that babysitter and wish that we hadn't lost touch........... Hope you guys enjoyed my first time............let me know if you did!

I can't stop thinking about anuses! by Anonymous Coward · 2002-04-20 11:24 · Score: -1, Troll

88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 8/88888\8888888888888\888888888888/8888\8888888 |8888888|8888888888888\8888888888|888888|888888 |8888888`.8888888888888|888888888|8888888:88888 `88888888|8888888888888|88888888\|8888888|88888 8\8888888|8/8888888/88\\\888--__8\\8888888:8888 88\888888\/888_--~~8888888888~--__|8\88888|8888 888\888888\_-~88888888888888888888~-_\8888|8888 0000\_00000\00000000_.--------.______\|000|0000 000000\00000\______//0_0___0_0(_(__>00\000|000 0 0000000\000.00C0___)00______0(_(____>00|00/000 0 0000000/\0|000C0____)/ \0(_____>00|_/00000 000000/0/\|000C_____) |00(___>000/00\0000 00000|000(000_C_____)\______/00//0_/0/00000\000 00000|0000\00|__000\\_________//0(__/0000000|00 0000|0\0000\____)000`----000--'0000000000000|00 0000|00\_0000000000___\ /_0000000000_/0|0 000|00000000000000/0000| |00\000000000000| 000|0000000000000|0000/ \00\00000000000|0 666|6666666666/6/6666| |66\66666666666|0 666|666666666/6/666666\__/\___/6666|6666666666| 66|66666666666/66666666| |6666666|666666666| 66|6666666666|666666666| |6666666|666666666|

88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 8/88888\8888888888888\888888888888/8888\8888888 |8888888|8888888888888\8888888888|888888|888888 123456789012345678 |8888888`.8888888888888|888888888|8888888:88888 `88888888|8888888888888|88888888\|8888888|88888 8\8888888|8/8888888/88\\\888--__8\\8888888:8888 88\888888\/888_--~~8888888888~--__|8\88888|8888 123456789012 888\888888\_-~88888888888888888888~-_\8888|8888 0000\_00000\00000000_.--------.______\|000|0000 000000\00000\______//0_0___0_0(_(__>00\000|000 0 a0000000\000.00C0___)00______0(_(____>00|00/000 0 0000000/\0|000C0____)/ \0(_____>00|_/00000 000000/0/\|000C_____) |00(___>000/00\0000 00000|000(000_C_____)\______/00//0_/0/00000\000 00000|0000\00|__000\\_________//0(__/0000000|00 0000|0\0000\____)000`----000--'0000000000000|00 0000|00\_0000000000___\ /_0000000000_/0|0 asdasdasdasdasd 000|00000000000000/0000| |00\000000000000| alsjdhkjdhkajhakhqwe 000|0000000000000|0000/ \00\00000000000|0 666|6666666666/6/6666| |66\66666666666|0 666|666666666/6/666666\__/\___/6666|6666666666| basyguivfgyaeutgqgjsz 66|66666666666/66666666| |6666666|666666666| jqwbhrejkfio 66|6666666666|666666666| |6666666|666666666| jwqhrowuerir

Anal intercourse tips and hints: FOR LINUX ZEALOTS by Metrollica · 2002-04-20 11:40 · Score: -1, Troll

Anal intercourse tips and hints: FOR LINUX ZEALOTS

Linux Buttsex HOW-TO

by Anal Cocks

Introduction

This HOW-TO explains how to perform Buttsex in the Linux Operating System w/Enterprise Resources (LOSER). This HOW-TO assumes basic knowledge of general Linux operation.

Preparation
Most basically, all Linux Buttsex requires is a machine running the Linux Operating System, a penis (also referred to as a "cock" or "dick"), and a willing friend. However, you benefit greatly, especially when starting out, if you posess standard Buttsex tools.

Standard Buttsex Tools
Lubricant - Slippery stuff you smear on your johnson and your friend's manpussy, to ease the transition into Buttsex mode. Vaseline will do in a pinch, but water-based lubricants such as KY Jelly and Astroglide are preferable.

Contraception - Protective barrier between your schlong and the inside of your friend's love canal. Breeders use them to prevent pregnancy, but we queer nancies usually use them to protect ourselves from the deadly AIDS virus. While some enterprising faggots have made do with plastic wrap or masking tape, there is no substitute for a latex condom. Most all condoms will do, as long as they aren't the "extra-thin" type. Some condoms are labelled as beiong superior for Buttsex, but are not necessary.

Step One -- Prepare the Anus
This step is especially important if your friend has never taken a willie in the ass before. Prepare his anus for the width and girth of your manhood with the "finger" command. It is used like so:

% finger [insert your friend's name here]

Begin with your index or middle finger, and then both middle AND index fingers, at the same time. Ten to fifteen minutes should do. If you wish, you may felate him or suck his balls, while you're fingering him.

Step Two -- Entry
Here the fun starts. Have your friend lay prone on the bed, or even better, get down "on all fours". Optionally, place a couple pillows beneath him to make him more comfortable. Now position yourself behind him, and spread his asscheeks. Apply lubricant, generously, to both your sexrod, and his pit of pleasure. It is advisable to stick your fingers partially inside in his anus, to make sure that the entire edge of the entry is covered.

Your penis must be fully erect in order to make a sucessful entry. If you are not already "hard as a rock", you may rub your penis in his asscrack, while tweaking his nipples (or stroking his cock), and saying intimidating things, such as "I am going to make you squeal like a pig, boy. Squeal, like a pig!".

When your sexstick is sufficiently engorged with blood, it is time to being entry. Place the head of your cock firmly against his brown anal starfish. Begin applying firm pressure forwards, optionally using your hand to guide your dick on a true course into sodomy. Your friend is most likely moaning in agony or yelping, and you may either ignore this, or in a snide tone, say "You like that, bitch?".

When your penis is in, move on to the next step.

Step Three -- Hardcore Assramming
This is fairly simple. Move your dick around in his ass, towards and then back, at varying speeds. If for some reason your dick pops out, put in back in, undaunted. Continue pumping and thrusting until you feel you are ready to move on to Step Four.

Step Four -- Orgasm
When ready to blow your load, use this command:

% stdout > ass

This redirects your standard output stream into your friend's pink tunnel of shit. Enter the command, then with one final thrust, placing the entire length of your cock inside his body. Your penis will then eject about a quart of sticky white semen, accompanied by tremendous pleasure.

Step Five -- Cleanup

If you wore a condom, cleanup is simple. Remove the condom and toss it out your window. Then sop up any other jizz, anal juice, shit, or lubricant with Brawny(R) brand paper towels.

If you did not wear a condom, your friend will have a steady drip of cum out of his ass for the next few hours. Tell him to "buck up" and stuff some toilet paper in his underwear.

Afterward

Congratulations! You are now a l337 LUN1X 4$$r4mm3r, just like Linux Toreballs and his gay minions! Celebrate by masturbating to the sensual gay erotica found at http://www.goatse.cx/ .

Troubleshooting

My penis isn't long enough to get past the buttcheeks!
Only Jon Katz has this problem. Jon, I've told you to just get the damned surgery.

I have a really small penis, but it's still difficult to get it in the ass!
Only Jon Katz has this problem, because he fucks little boys. Jon, get the damned surgery, and find a lover over the age of 12.

Do you know where I can find kiddie pr0n?
Please go away, Katz.

--

--Metrollica

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