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The Case for the Empire

Posted by michael on from the evil-is-in-the-eye-of-the-stormtrooper dept.

fReNeTiK writes "In this amusingly controversial article over at the weekly standard's web site, we get to hear an opinion not often heard among the hordes of Star Wars fanatics out there: The rebel alliance are actually "... an unimpressive crew of anarchic royals who wreck the galaxy so that Princess Leia can have her tiara back." An entertaining read which will surely spark flame wars of epic proportions." Reader kaypro submits an MSNBC story examining the science of Star Wars. And Ant notes that the Clones DVD will be out earlier than expected.

8 of 686 comments (clear)

  1. Idiodot! by Disevidence · · Score: 3, Funny

    Its not slashdotted, Foo!

    --
    Think nothing is impossible? Try slamming a revolving door.
  2. Under the Patriot act... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

    Its clear that the rebel alliance are terrorists.

    Parallel: Imagine a bunch of heavily armed British (or even French) Monarchists waging guerilla war across th US to undo the "injustice" of the American revolution and restore the House of Windsor to power.

    The whole Star Wars series is responsible for promoting and glamorizing terrorism. Somebody arrest George Lucas.

    ...of course, he should have been arrested for Ep 1.

  3. help me Obiwan, you're my only hope! by Em+Emalb · · Score: 4, Funny

    "This isn't the story you wanted to read."

    "Hey, what's this crap, I didn't wanna read this!"

    "Move along."

    "I'm gonna reload so I can get first post on the next story!"

    --
    Sent from your iPad.
  4. In defense of the empire by ascholl · · Score: 3, Funny

    "Well, they make the trains run on time ..."

    1. Re:In defense of the empire by Mignon · · Score: 5, Funny
      (With apologies to Martin Niemoller, not to mention 12 million or so Nazi victims)

      "First they came for the Droids but I was not a Droid so I did not speak out;
      Then they came for the Wookies and the Naboo but I was not one of them, so I did not speak out;
      Then they came for the Jedi but I was not a Jedi so I did not speak out.
      And when they came for me, there was no one left to speak out for me."

  5. Re:an obvious remark by DrSkwid · · Score: 4, Funny

    the VCD is out already :)

    --
    There are places where the networks are not touching,and there are places where they are-Boeing's Lori Gunter
  6. Flame Wars by eth1 · · Score: 3, Funny
    An entertaining read which will surely spark flame wars of epic proportions.


    Hmm...


    A long time ago, on a message board far, far away...


    It is a period of flame war. Rebel thinkers, striking from their hidden message board, have won their first victory agains the Marketing Empire of Lucasfilm.


    During the battle, Rebel geeks managed to come up with a new interpretation of the Empire's ultimate weapon, Episode I, a film so boring it could put entire audiences to sleep.


    Pursued by the Empire's sinister lawyers, Princess Leia races home on her encrypted email, custodian of the new thoughts that can liberate her people and restore freedom of speech to the galaxy...

  7. Jango Fett is gay! by Pig+Hogger · · Score: 4, Funny
    Did you know that there was a day care center on the Death Star?
    Quoting from the linked article above:
    "As a stormtrooper and father of three, I'm very excited about the new day care center," Death Star citizen Ralph Sedgwick said. "It's a safe, nurturing environment, one in which my child will learn."
    Stormtroopers, we learn in AOTC, are clones whose personalities have been genetically altered.

    So, they definitely HAVE to be made homosexual, because:

    • Armies nevertheless always tend towards homosexuality. This is why the Dune emperor Leto II had his army of fish-speakers exclusively female...
    • Having scores of identical homosexual soldiers solve one of the biggest military problems: coping up with sex urge. Having soldiers go down on prostitutes brings a lot of V.D. problems. Having all identical soldiers having sex upon themselves simply eliminates the V.D. problems.
    • It neatly solves logistical problems, since you can have two or more soldiers sleep in the same bed.
    • Likewise, they certainly don't mind that, in the shower, other soldiers see their weenies and have a kick out of it!!!
    • Gay soldiers don't procreate, so their minds are freed from concern for their offspring, so they can merrily march to slaughter.
    • And they don't worry for their lovers because since they are all interchangeable, they know that their lovers will be taken good care of.
    • Gay soldiers won't also go and rape women of other worlds. They'll probably not rape men either because they have ready access to themselves.
    • Spartan elite troops were exclusively gay, so that they could demonstrate bravery in front of their lovers (but of course, having clones would mean that by all being identical, they would not have to boast to others).
    But all this rises a few questions:
    • If the clones are all identical, why are there ranks within the clone army?
    • Gays are often posing as hyper-macho. Is it why Jango Fett is latino?
    • Come to think of it, if Jango Fett has to have Boba cloned-off him, then is he gay?
    • But then, if Jango Fett is gay, they don't have to genetically change that in the clones...
    • So, Jango Fett was deliberatly chosen because, amongst other "qualities", he was gay...
    • Finally, Boba Fett being so much cuter than Anakin definitely means that even if he won't fall for other men, other men will definitely fall for him...