Living the Computer Geek Lifestyle w/ a Significant Other?

Edward Almos asks: "I live with my girlfriend in a small apartment (about 65 sq yards) and over the last six months I've installed a significant amount of computer and network gear. The count at the moment stands at two servers, a firewall, two workstations, an ADSL line and an apartment-wide network with at least two CAT5 points in every room. There's also two laptops and a load of HiFi gear. Last night she finally cracked when I installed a network point in the bathroom and told me that either the connection went or she did. After a romantic evening for two everything is patched up and all is OK but this got me wondering. I can't be the only Slashdotter living with a significant other so how do the rest of you pursuade them that all the cables, cupboards full of servers and sky-high comms costs are really essential to the geek lifestyle. This also ties in nicely with the latest poll, ain't love grand!!"

Comments

Nothing new

[inerte]

Basically every couple had or have this kind of problem. Don't look this as "my geek things", but instead, a relationship as old as the moment people got together. You want something, she doesn't. She wants something, you don't. There are plenty of material about this, so I won't even try to clarify why it's important communication and respect.

Essentially, try to look at this situation with other eyes.

Bigger apartment, no bathroom LANs

[Bouncings]

Ok, putting computer equipment in the bathroom? That's out of control. Get over that one, bug guy. Frankly I'm rather amazed she's put up with you as much as she has. What would you do if she were into noisy, heat-creating, ugly (unless you own one of those stylish aluminum cases) things? Does she have a doll collection strung over your shower curtin? Would you put up with a pink flamingo collection in your kitchen?

Get a bigger apartment with an extra room for an office. Now that you're living together, maybe you can afford one. Then, put *ALL* computer equipment in that office -- no exceptions. You have to draw the line somewhere.

If you are living in New York or something and can't offord a larger apartment, I think it's only fair that you get a notebook, ONE computer that sits in a CLOSET, A PDA and a wireless LAN (no cables, dammit). Sorry -- I'm a geek too, but this is what's fair.

Besides, cuddling up in bed watching "couples" porn on your laptop? She might actually like that idea. Just turn off popups.

Romantic evenings with your girlfriend on Slashdot

[Anonymous Coward]

-- After a romantic evening for two everything is patched up and all is OK --

Well probably the LAST thing you should do is tell the entire Slashdot world that you and your SO had sex last night. Most chicks don't dig that...

Second of all: You live in a small apartment. Lose some damn gear. You and your SO are PARTNERS in a relationship, so why not treat her fairly...

I'm not there yet.

[c.r.o.c.o]

But I soon will be. :) The way I see it, try to limit the amount of hardware that you have. Seriously, two servers, a firewall, and all the other equipment you have going there is a bit much. I really don't know what you do with it, since you did not specify your particular area of geekiness, but I'm sure there are some ways to reduce your equipment.

For instance, you're running CAT5 in every room. Where the speed of the connection is not vital, why not give wireless a try? True, it's much slower, but for Internet browsing gaming, or mp3 streaming, it's more than enough. And a PCI card mounted in one of the servers will not be too expensive (CAD$150), a PCMCIA (CAD$60) or a dedicated access point (CAD $230). If you add the costs of of all the wires, hubs you'll come close to that.The only time when CAT5 makes sense is when you can burry them into the walls, but then you would not complain about them if you already did it.

Having two servers? Again, you did not say what they do, but maybe one will be enough? I'm not suggesting you should scrap one of them right now. But maybe for your next upgrade you can plan one that is at least as fast as both combined, while taking half the space. Same goes for the two workstations. You're just one guy, I can't see you using both at the same time. Also, if it's fast enough, you can run vmware under Linux, with as many OSes as you need. The performance hit is big, but not unbearable. And you can do all the developement under one platform, and use the other OSes for testing.

If having so many computers is a must, then use rackmount cases. Saves a hell of a lot of space. More expensive, but you can hide them all into a closet and be done with them. And they can be recycled much better than normal cases. Which brings me to my next point, keep everything as unobtrusive as possible. Computers and their associated wires can be the biggest eye sores from a woman's point of view (just a guess, but I've been proven right on more than one occasion)

And whatever you do, NEVER bring technology into the bedroom. That is the worst possible thing you will ever do. Maybe a laptop with a wireless connection will be tolerated by your significant other, but don't think that she'll be happy even with that.

BTW, US$1=CAD$1.5 roughly.

How I avoid *most* of this.

[eyez]

My solution to the problem: I married a geek chick. ;) Of course, this still leads to other problems- Whose computer gets the next upgrade we can afford, How to fit all of our stuff into the apartment, And what to do with the boxes of odd hardware I just can't come to throw away, but she wants out, etc.

The bottom line is, in any relationship, you have to work things out. What makes it possible to survive is the ability of both parties to compromise. I mean, come on. a link in the bathroom? Do you REALLY need to check slashdot while on the can?

Do yourself a big favor: Don't step on her toes. Think about what you really NEED. If there's something that you're not doing for any practical value-- where it's only value is the l33tness factor, then chances are, she won't like it, and it'll probably make her uncomfortable. In my bedroom, There's only two computers visible without going into the closet-- My main machine and her main machine. The others, a spare server which runs things like nameservice and squid, and a gateway, stay safely tucked away in the closet.

If that doesn't work, You can try things like a dedicated computer room, or put a computer in a room with something she enjoys doing-- Spend your time on your machines with her AND don't forget to take time off from your machines to spend time alone with her. Even a geek woman needs that. If you can't provide it, you'll botch the relationship.

f you can't handle turning off every single computer in the house, even only for a day, and spending time with her, Forget it. Let her find someone who can now, before you make it harder for her in the end.

Re:How I avoid *most* of this.

[Chanc_Gorkon]

First off....who the HECK needs a web server and mail server in their own house?? I am a geek, but I would MUCH rather have my web server in a nice cozy colo if I really need more then my ISP provider's 10 MB of space. Yeah, colo's can be expensive, but if somethign goes wrong at your house, your webserver is nice and safe. Also, I still don't under stand those who have a mail server in the house. Is your mail THAT important to have your own server? Do you have your own domain name and need a mail server to collect it's mail? 90 percent of use probably don't have our own domain name ( I see no reason for it yet....and besides, I run this crap at work...I DON'T WANT A WEBSERVER AND MAILSERVER TO CUSS AT AT HOME! ). That said, I can see the allure of having those in your own house. Easier to update, Great if you all of a sudden run out of disk space and need to add a disk. Bad for everything else. The ONLY thing I would want a server for at home is for MP3's. That way, I can stream them to my laptop or my desktop as well as maybe pump them into my stereo. Of course, since I have wireless, I can just stream them from the desktop when needed and I really don't need a server. The only place I REALLY want another computer now is in the car. That way I have MP3, and GPS navigation in the car that rivals the systems taht are dedicated for GPS nav in several luxury cars.

Pick your partner more carefully?

[bscott]

Well, if I sound smug then maybe I'm entitled, but my fiancee loves gadgetry. She's not a geek by any standards - she shops for shoes, clothes, kitchen-y things and real estate before even looking at an electronics store - but she says part of what attracted her to me is my gadgetry and techno-fluency... if I were to put a network link in the bathroom, I would probably get treated to an amazing dinner and a wild night in the spa-bath!

I could go on about our shared interests, but that'd be even MORE off-topic. One point I will make comes from my previous relationship, wherein the girl (as it turned out) *pretended* to be interested in gadgetry because she felt it would be a way to get closer to me... pardon me for being fooled, she works 2nd-level PC techsupport at a large insurance company!

But anyway - umm, what WAS my point? Oh yes - women are trouble! Mine isn't, but she's taken, so all the others ARE trouble! Avoid when possible. That's my advice.

there is always a limit

[Fuzuli]

Well, as far as i'm concerned there is always a limit for pushing your lifestyle to others.
The others mean your lover, your familiy, or your friends. People who really care about you understand your obsession about some things, but they also expect respect from you, about their life style.
I have a wonderfull girlfriend right now, and even though she's not as much as enthusiastic about 1's and 0's as much as me, she understands that reading compiler specs is my way of having fun. But i also know that a night outside with a good dinner and wine is much more fun for her. So, you should decide about the tradeoffs, as i said there is always a limit. If you think that you can go as far as you wish, and install hardware even in bedroom :), i don't think any self respecting girl friend "who is not a geek like you" can accept it.
So i make my choice on these grounds, and i think living with a non-geek is something good, since she reminds you of that other life, and helps you get along with it, so that you can still be able to communicate with other people.

Run your own services

[Outland Traveller]

I proudly host all of my own services, and I think more people should. I'm not advocating this as some kind of geek-upmanship, but for privacy, security, and community reasons. In these days of linksys wireless/routers/NAT/printerservers and netwinders/cobalt cubes you don't even need to be a hardcore sysadmin, although it sure helps.

If you run your own mail, you can encrypt it on the server and provide secure, spam-free access via HTTPS. Now you can email securely from work or wherever else you happen to be.

You can run your own webserver and install all the apache modules you want without trouble. You can publish your own material so that you can be slashdoted just like everyone else. Running your own servers is one of the best things you can do to preserve your political independence.

And then there's more esoteric fun... secure streaming media services wherever you are in the world, instant quick&dirty VPN into most networks via ssh tunneled back into itself, freenet nodes, etc.

I personally hate the fact that broadband services are increasingly assymetric and dynamically addressed, discouraging people from running their own servers. People should demand the right to be producers as well as consumers. Sure, colocation is better for most business uses, but there are lots of positive benefits to a democratic society if people run their own servers, and it really isn't that technically hard anymone.

Wake up!

[TheLink]

Network point in the bathroom? Did you consult with her first? If yes, did she agree?

You're SHARING the apartment aren't you? Before you try to make changes to a shared resource amongst _equals_, it is only polite and respectful that you should always confer with the other party. It sure doesn't look good when one party keeps unilaterally changing things in a permanent manner.

You are trying to SHARE your lives together right?

If it has been mutually agreed that you are the person to make decisions about bathroom attachments and she's not really bothered nor interested then sure you could make unilateral changes. But be considerate and consult her for big changes.

Remember even if you don't think the changes are significant you better be sure she doesn't think so either. So what if you think it's beneficial - does she?

Unless you prefer being single, you better make more effort to keep her happy. She obviously loves you. And even better - respects your interests and seem quite reasonable.

Be reasonable as well. Obviously she has a high tolerance level but you've just hit the limit. So do what a smart engineer/geek does for safety - when you found a limit, drop the level by maybe 10-20% for a a good safety margin (more if necessary and if getting closer to that limit is not that important to you).

And don't keep trying to push these limits - something might just finally blow irrecoverably.

If she's happy, that makes you happy. If that's statement is not true, then something needs fixing. If that statement is true, then it is logical that you should try to keep her happy.

Same goes for her. But heh your stuff is all over the apartment so maybe she kinda knows that already...

An ultimatum?

[ksheff]

There's nothing to be done now since you've apparently smoothed the current incident over. However, if she'd going to play it that way, the next time she does it, do the following:

1. Take a day off from work when she's not home
2. Arrange for a locksmith to come over and change your locks that day.
3. Box all of her stuff up and have it by the front door.
4. Wait.
5. When she gets home, let her in and tell her she's packed up and ready to go.

If she's going to try to use your love and affection for her against you and not sit down and negotiate like mature adults, she's not worth it. Once you give in, it will continue to happen and will only get worse. In the end, you will be miserable and she will end up leaving you some reason that's bound to be your fault. I've been there and now that it's over, I wish I would have called her bluff at the beginning. It would have saved a lot of hurt feelings on both sides. The only alternative is to end up a spineless man with a domineering wife often parodied in the old WB cartoons ([voice tone=whiney]"Yes, dear".."of course dear"..."anything you say dear" [/voice]).

Either way, you win. Either she leaves, you get to do what you want, and avoid bigger messes later on, or she backs down, learns that you're not going to put up with that shit and will have to behave like an adult in the future. Loneliness sucks, but it's better than having to deal with that sort of crap day in and day out.