Why Magic Online Will Suck

An anonymous reader sends us a link to this funny dissection of online gaming. The writer obviously speaks from bitter experience. :)

Comments

You won't see the players

[peterdaly]

Half the entertaining value of a Magic "gathering" is seeing the people who show up...some are quite interesting based on my memories from high school a few years ago.

Online version just won't have that for a draw.

-Pete

Re:You won't see the players

[Dr. Awktagon]

The most interesting thing I saw in my Magic days was the adult that showed up at a tourney. A "real" adult, not a "gamer" adult: neatly-trimmed gray hair & beard, nice clothes, no body odor (let me repeat that: the guy had obviously bathed in the last 24 hours), and an awesome handmade wooden box that he kept his cards in. He lost pretty quickly but obviously this was a guy who occasionaly left his house for reasons other than playing Magic.

For a second I thought I had entered a parallel universe where Magic was a normal leisure activity like any other, where diverse people could get together and play a fun and challenging game.

My fantasy was quickly shattered by a piercing obnoxious nasal laugh from the 300-lb woman in an undersized "I Grock Spock" T-shirt....

Re:You won't see the players

[Clue4All]

I dunno, I'd say this pretty clearly outlines the most important reason that Magic online will suck.

Re:You won't see the players

[Buck2]

My fantasy was quickly shattered by a piercing obnoxious nasal laugh from the 300-lb woman in an undersized "I Grock Spock" T-shirt....

Yeah, that would pretty much shatter any fantasy.

you-know-who?

[stefanlasiewski]

And yes, it's the game that "you-know-who" plays.

Yes, I did play with him. For a long time, actually - don't ask about it.

Who is "you-know-who" ... Voldemort?

Re:you-know-who?

[Selanit]

Who is "you-know-who" ... Voldemort?

My first thought was Bill Gates. But then, he and Voldemort are probably related.

Re:you-know-who?

[blair1q]

Yeah, but which skull?

--Blair

A deck, a brain, and a friend?

[bryanp]

I remember a few years ago when the PC version of Magic was released. I thought it was funny. The original game's advertisement was "All you need is a deck, a brain and a friend." I guess that last requirement was a bit much for some of them.

This is good

[charlie763]

Now my victory dance will be substantially less embarrassing.

Don't forget...

[NeoSkandranon]

The simple fact that many "hardcore" Magic players who have a real-world card collection worth hundreds or thousands and numbering in the many thousands of cards, will most likely not want to effectively start over building their cardbase online, esp. given the very valid points that the author of the article set forth.

I used to be into Magic, and still have my collection, but, if I'm going to pay for cards, I would much rather play with the whiny post-pokemon chits up the street at the card shop who throw a fit about me being cheap because my deck "isn't Type II"....Because next time when he comes up to me begging for a sweet trade for the foil whatever he got, i can smile and say "not interested." Can't do that online. at least, not with the same effect

How dare they

[jcoy42]

I mean, really, how dare they bring out M:tG online during an economic recession?

From what I can see, the online cards run the same as the paper cards, which means every damn cent you can beg, borrow, or steal.

I wonder how many people won't be able to pay their ISP bill because they spent all their money on virtual cards.. Pity we won't get to hear :)

Interesting....

[Procrasturbator]

Does this mean that someday, other card games will be online? Like soliatare and poker?

He forgot something

[Fujisawa Sensei]

The author left out the one good point to onlin MtG: you can't smell the freaks you're playing against.

Penny Arcade said it best

[jcsehak]

http://www.penny-arcade.com/view.php3?date=2002-1- 28&res=l

Re:gotta agree

[Prior Restraint]

eyegor said: cardboard crack.

Hi. My nick is Prior Restraint, and I'm a Magic addict.
("Hi, Prior!")

It's been four years since my last game, (applause) but I still have to take it one day at a time.
("Amen!")

I can still remember how it all started: I joined a gaming club in college because -- surprise! -- I'm not a very sociable person. At first, it was all RPGs, which was "okay". I mean, I had dabbled a little in high school, even ran a campaign once, and it didn't affect me, right?

Then, suddenly, I found myself going to cons. Talk about your unwashed masses! (cynical laughter) That's where I met The Pusher. He was doing free demos, trying to set up tourneys with the con coordinator, that kind of thing.

And I ignored it. I mean, it's a card game; it was beneath me, you know? But not everyone did, ("That's right!") and you know what? I started seeing it in my club's office.

Show of hands: How many here got their first deck for free? Quite a few, I see. That's how I got pulled in. My former S.O. had been into this... this "game" -- and don't think that word wasn't carefully chosen to make you think it's safer than it really is. ("Preach on!") My very own S.O. handed me a deck after I asked what all the fuss was about. Blue-green, as I recall. Even came with a Sol Ring and a Wall of Flesh.

I got in at the worst possible time: revised edition had only been out for a little while, and popularity was sky-rocketing. I began learning strategies, and we all know where that leads -- say it with me, now: "I just need one... specific... card".

Oh, but those... Pushers... at WotC know better than that. Oh, yes they do. Suddenly, revised is going out of print, and fourth ed. is on the way. Now what do you do, my friends? I'll tell you what I did: I found myself debating the merits of doing without a couple of textbooks in order buy a full set of dual lands! That is what Magic does to people, ladies and gentlemen. First, you give up certain luxuries, like eating on campus instead of ordering pizza. But it's a slippery slope, my friends, ("That's right!") and pretty soon, you're eating ramen noodles twice a day; drinking Pabst, or worse yet, Milwaukee's Best; and living in contested gang territory for the lower rent!
("Don't hold back!")

And the rule changes! Cumulative upkeep? Of course! Cooler cards need that sort of balancing. Buried vs. destroyed? Sure! I can probably muddle my way through it.

I stuck by my new master all through fourth edition. This time, it was green-black. I joined a group that played for ante. When I lost my Sorceress Queen to a rookie mistake (I failed to make good use of my Pestilence), I knew I had hit rock-bottom.

But, my friends, that was the turning point for me. For the first time, I was truly seeing my situation as it was. Now, I'd like to tell you I tossed out my cards and never looked back, but... we know that only happens in the movies.
("Tell it like it is, Prior!")

*sigh* And so, I kept playing. I stopped with the ante; I no longer considered going to tournaments, and that was good. But I kept playing, anyway. I couldn't shake it, because I kept telling myself I could control it. Despite everything, I still said to myself, "Self: you've got a decent deck. Nothing too fancy, but it can hold its own. You can play with it 'just for fun', and still avoid the treadmill that has you chasing after cards".

Does anyone know what lesson I failed to learn? Oh! I think I heard it in the back: I forgot about WotC's plans for me. I forgot about new editions, and new rules. So, all of a sudden, fifth edition comes out, and my deck can't stand up to the phasing and flanking bullshit cards people throw down at me. I'm right back at square one. It was the day I caught myself at the comic book store fondling the fifth ed. boosters that I knew I had to go cold-turkey, or not at all.

To this day, though, I find myself tempted. I have co-workers into their thirties who still play. Last week, I caught a glimpse of some seventh edition cards: everything's about the graveyard now. "How appropriate," I thought, and yet I was tempted. Right this minute, as I type, I know that in a box in the closet behind me are some cards I was too weak to throw out back then, and too weak to dig out right now. Perhaps someday, I'll have the strength to face them down. Until then, they are a constant reminder of the daily struggle to lead a normal life.

Thank you for your time.

Deja Vu!

[fm6]

People in online games do things that would get them beaten to death if they did them in real life. I am serious. They will cheat. They will lie. They will call you terrible names, not just in fun but the type of stuff that would get a man killed in what online gamers like to call "RL." To the hardcore online gamer, "RL" (or "real life") is a faraway place where standards of behaviour actually exist. Online, though, these standards are a paper tiger.

Sounds like a typical day at Slashdot!

self regulation

[bilbobuggins]

the solution is to have the players democratically regulate themselves...

if you've ever played tribes 2 you can vote to kick certain players out of the game. if someone's cheating it's usually obvious and they get booted pretty quick. if someone's just causing trouble by trying to boot honest players, people vote no about kicking the honest player and the troublemaker ends up getting booted next.
i'm not sure how this would work in a one on one card game, maybe some sort of point system where kick requests are reviewed by moderators but the solution is democratic self regulation by the players themselves.
it works because 90% of gamers are pretty honest people and just want to have a good time...

Re:Makes me wonder....

[Selmo]

Heh, I used to run an ISP/cybercafe and a few years back. We had a QuakeWorld Team Fortress server onsite on our T1 and the regulars were in one weekend playing. They started talking smack in-game and one of the dial-up customers came over on his bicycle and started a fight with them.

I was playing chess on the net the other night.

[Anonymous Coward]

It was a pretty cool game, the advance variation of the French defense. I got to make the classical bxh7+ sacrifice, he brought out his king to g6 (no choice), and I was pushing that poor fool right into a mating net. When BAM, there's a big flash on my screen and his king is back on its home square!

"What the fuck was that?"
"Ha, ha! I got the recall king upgrade! My king can teleport home to its recall square three times per game!"

All right, two can play at this game. I went over to the secure server, gave them my credit card, and bought a couple of upgrades of my own. Then I went looking for the punk.

This time I played the king's gambit, 1. e4 e5 2. f4 exf4 3. nf3 g5. I let him have it with 4. bxf4xg5.

"How'd you take both of those pawns?"
"Ha, ha, punk! I've got double dragon bishops!"

The punk's eyes widened as he realized there was no way to save the queen in his position.

Now that we're both wised up, the games are more even, so it's not as much fun any more. There's too much trivial complexity and it takes hours to play a serious game.

But we still like to beat up newbies. My favorite target is this one guy, GMKasparov. He would be an okay player except that he never spends any money for hypercastling or semi-transparent pawns or range-attack rooks. But he got me good last night with this weird "en passant" powerup. I think he must have a cheat client, because I couldn't even find "en passant" in the powerup catalog!

No worse than the RL version

[DunbarTheInept]

The way things panned out, the rules of Magic could be replaced by this simple game and have very similar results: Every player at the table takes out their wallet. A fire is built in the middle of the table. Whoever is willing to throw the largest amount of money into the fire wins the game, and then brags about how cool he is for winning. No freakin' thanks. One look at how that thing was set up and I refused to ever take part in a game. Even though it was starting to take over my local RPG group at the time (what starts as a roleplaying session degenreates into a magic game as people rudely whip out their decks and start ignoring the GM as soon as their character happens to not be involved, and then once they are supposed to be involved again, they don't want to leave the Magic: The Addiction game they started.

When I heard of the online version I was breifly hopeful. I thought maybe since it doesn't involve the sale of cards it might actually be a fair game and be worth getting in to it. But then I see that, nope, its the same thing, only now you pay money to get the privlege to pretend you have a rare card (think about it - increased price through scarcity will fail utterly in an electronic forum where scarcity is completely artificial.)

the only way to win...

[trybywrench]

is not to play