Why Magic Online Will Suck

An anonymous reader sends us a link to this funny dissection of online gaming. The writer obviously speaks from bitter experience. :)

Comments

You won't see the players

[peterdaly]

Half the entertaining value of a Magic "gathering" is seeing the people who show up...some are quite interesting based on my memories from high school a few years ago.

Online version just won't have that for a draw.

-Pete

you-know-who?

[stefanlasiewski]

And yes, it's the game that "you-know-who" plays.

Yes, I did play with him. For a long time, actually - don't ask about it.

Who is "you-know-who" ... Voldemort?

A deck, a brain, and a friend?

[bryanp]

I remember a few years ago when the PC version of Magic was released. I thought it was funny. The original game's advertisement was "All you need is a deck, a brain and a friend." I guess that last requirement was a bit much for some of them.

This is good

[charlie763]

Now my victory dance will be substantially less embarrassing.

Penny Arcade said it best

[jcsehak]

http://www.penny-arcade.com/view.php3?date=2002-1- 28&res=l

Re:gotta agree

[Prior Restraint]

eyegor said: cardboard crack.

Hi. My nick is Prior Restraint, and I'm a Magic addict.
("Hi, Prior!")

It's been four years since my last game, (applause) but I still have to take it one day at a time.
("Amen!")

I can still remember how it all started: I joined a gaming club in college because -- surprise! -- I'm not a very sociable person. At first, it was all RPGs, which was "okay". I mean, I had dabbled a little in high school, even ran a campaign once, and it didn't affect me, right?

Then, suddenly, I found myself going to cons. Talk about your unwashed masses! (cynical laughter) That's where I met The Pusher. He was doing free demos, trying to set up tourneys with the con coordinator, that kind of thing.

And I ignored it. I mean, it's a card game; it was beneath me, you know? But not everyone did, ("That's right!") and you know what? I started seeing it in my club's office.

Show of hands: How many here got their first deck for free? Quite a few, I see. That's how I got pulled in. My former S.O. had been into this... this "game" -- and don't think that word wasn't carefully chosen to make you think it's safer than it really is. ("Preach on!") My very own S.O. handed me a deck after I asked what all the fuss was about. Blue-green, as I recall. Even came with a Sol Ring and a Wall of Flesh.

I got in at the worst possible time: revised edition had only been out for a little while, and popularity was sky-rocketing. I began learning strategies, and we all know where that leads -- say it with me, now: "I just need one... specific... card".

Oh, but those... Pushers... at WotC know better than that. Oh, yes they do. Suddenly, revised is going out of print, and fourth ed. is on the way. Now what do you do, my friends? I'll tell you what I did: I found myself debating the merits of doing without a couple of textbooks in order buy a full set of dual lands! That is what Magic does to people, ladies and gentlemen. First, you give up certain luxuries, like eating on campus instead of ordering pizza. But it's a slippery slope, my friends, ("That's right!") and pretty soon, you're eating ramen noodles twice a day; drinking Pabst, or worse yet, Milwaukee's Best; and living in contested gang territory for the lower rent!
("Don't hold back!")

And the rule changes! Cumulative upkeep? Of course! Cooler cards need that sort of balancing. Buried vs. destroyed? Sure! I can probably muddle my way through it.

I stuck by my new master all through fourth edition. This time, it was green-black. I joined a group that played for ante. When I lost my Sorceress Queen to a rookie mistake (I failed to make good use of my Pestilence), I knew I had hit rock-bottom.

But, my friends, that was the turning point for me. For the first time, I was truly seeing my situation as it was. Now, I'd like to tell you I tossed out my cards and never looked back, but... we know that only happens in the movies.
("Tell it like it is, Prior!")

*sigh* And so, I kept playing. I stopped with the ante; I no longer considered going to tournaments, and that was good. But I kept playing, anyway. I couldn't shake it, because I kept telling myself I could control it. Despite everything, I still said to myself, "Self: you've got a decent deck. Nothing too fancy, but it can hold its own. You can play with it 'just for fun', and still avoid the treadmill that has you chasing after cards".

Does anyone know what lesson I failed to learn? Oh! I think I heard it in the back: I forgot about WotC's plans for me. I forgot about new editions, and new rules. So, all of a sudden, fifth edition comes out, and my deck can't stand up to the phasing and flanking bullshit cards people throw down at me. I'm right back at square one. It was the day I caught myself at the comic book store fondling the fifth ed. boosters that I knew I had to go cold-turkey, or not at all.

To this day, though, I find myself tempted. I have co-workers into their thirties who still play. Last week, I caught a glimpse of some seventh edition cards: everything's about the graveyard now. "How appropriate," I thought, and yet I was tempted. Right this minute, as I type, I know that in a box in the closet behind me are some cards I was too weak to throw out back then, and too weak to dig out right now. Perhaps someday, I'll have the strength to face them down. Until then, they are a constant reminder of the daily struggle to lead a normal life.

Thank you for your time.

I was playing chess on the net the other night.

[Anonymous Coward]

It was a pretty cool game, the advance variation of the French defense. I got to make the classical bxh7+ sacrifice, he brought out his king to g6 (no choice), and I was pushing that poor fool right into a mating net. When BAM, there's a big flash on my screen and his king is back on its home square!

"What the fuck was that?"
"Ha, ha! I got the recall king upgrade! My king can teleport home to its recall square three times per game!"

All right, two can play at this game. I went over to the secure server, gave them my credit card, and bought a couple of upgrades of my own. Then I went looking for the punk.

This time I played the king's gambit, 1. e4 e5 2. f4 exf4 3. nf3 g5. I let him have it with 4. bxf4xg5.

"How'd you take both of those pawns?"
"Ha, ha, punk! I've got double dragon bishops!"

The punk's eyes widened as he realized there was no way to save the queen in his position.

Now that we're both wised up, the games are more even, so it's not as much fun any more. There's too much trivial complexity and it takes hours to play a serious game.

But we still like to beat up newbies. My favorite target is this one guy, GMKasparov. He would be an okay player except that he never spends any money for hypercastling or semi-transparent pawns or range-attack rooks. But he got me good last night with this weird "en passant" powerup. I think he must have a cheat client, because I couldn't even find "en passant" in the powerup catalog!