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First Man To Mars?
An anonymous reader writes "Lee Goldberg posted this story which he says is "...the true story of how I sent the first interplanetary necro-cosmonaut to Mars." An entertaining read."
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Imagine a beowulf cluster of these!
A. Purpose of this guide.
Firstly, this isn't a joke guide. All the methods described here are working, and with not too much difficulties.
Don't expect that you will be able to lay a girl in one week. Not with this guide anyway. If you have the time, patience, and some manners, you will succeed.
I don't pretend to be a big expert in girls; I'm not. But after some experience with them, I can provide you some information that can help you, with the first moves between he's and her's business.
I will happily update this guide and improve it, with your help, of course. Please send me comments and please help to make it better.
B. The first meets
I believe you have a girlfriend you can experiment with. If you don't, find one. For those purposes, every mid looking girl will suit. Every one can owe a girlfriend, and it's not the time and place to explain how to reach one. (maybe in the next "completed guide of...").
If you don't have a girlfriend yet, at least try to achieve a meet with one.
If you want to continue seeing this girl you have to remember the following:
* Don't make a physical connection on the first dates (don't kiss her goodbye and don't hug her )
* Let her talk. If she has a lot to say - just listen. A node with the head and some leading questions will do.
* If she is permanently silent you can always ask her about:
- herself (hobbies ext.)
- school (although it seems to be boring, you can talk hours on this subject)
- her musical prefers (If she mentions an artist that you dislike, don't show it to her. Just hide it.
- tell her about yourself.
- ask her if she knows x & y from her school.
- and the most important: don't answer with yes or no. those above are chat-stoppers. Expand you speech.
- tell her jokes
- remember to have a lot of humour - they like it.
- very important : don't be serious.
- Mind your manners: don't talk rudely nor curse.
- smile : release the tense.
If all the above fail, and you can't find common language with her, you Probably won't keep with her long time.
* Where to go at the first time:
- movie (let her choose, but don't insist on doing so) You can talk about the movie latter. Pay for you both. (as it's obvious). If she's ok, she will insist on paying on herself.
- go for a walk
- meet at one of your homes. (It's better on her home - she'll feel more relaxed and free)
- party : if available
- School - only if you learn in the same school
* If you enjoyed her company, tell her so. Tell her that you enjoyed, and you want to see her again. Before the end of the meet, fix yourselves a new date (fix it on the same evening)exchange telephones, ofcourse.
* Flatter her, but know your limits. Flatter to her nice sides. (Every one has some). Tell her how nice she is. Flatter to her looks (If you at least find her attractive). Don't say to her "You are the most beautiful girl I ever so"- It sounds non-natural.(She's Probably not.)
* If she plays (love-games) a little - please understand. we'll close the bills later...
* Don't bother her with too much telephone calls. Be cool at the first meets, or she'll take advantage over you. Show her you interested, but not desperate.
How will you know if you are friends or not? here are some ways:
- Hear what her girlfriend thinks about your connection.(For instance: If she meets her girlfriend in the street, and the above askes if she is your girlfriend - hear what she says (it's an embarrassing moment - from experience...)
- Enter phrases that assume that she is you girlfriend in your talkes to her. (not infront of her and your friends) See how she react to those statements.
The first physical connection. There are two ways establishing it:
* The spontaneous way: Kiss her goodbye (not in the first date - she'll appreciate it if you'll have patience.) In the following date take you hands together. It's very romantic. Dance with her in one of your homes. Dance is a kind of hug, and it the middle of this slow song - kiss here. (she might be shy in public, so understand her, and do this critical steps in public garden or other quiet place.)
* The non-spontaneous way: Lead her to non-public and quiet place (i.e. garden) look in her eyes and silent for a moment or so. She, understanding the moment, will silent too. Approach her head with yours, and gently kiss her a few times on her mouth. Hug her. (BTW, this the recommended way).
By this time, if she is with you, you'll understand that she likes your company. If she didn't, you won't reach that stage. If she likes you (or love you - in the better case), she would more then hugs and kisses -- but don't hurry. You should have patience. You should reach the bed only by small steps.
C. Phase I - "I like you"
You (both) will start to say compliments to each other. Don't say you love her if you don't feel anything to her. Choose the right moment of doing so.
Imagine the situation: You tell her "I Love you.". She, likes you very much, but the way to love is still long. She will be in shocking situation. If she'll say "I love you too" and she doens't mean it - you will both leave in lie. If she'll be silent, you will Probably have bad feelings -- "She doesn't love me at all.."
You can say to her "I like you/your looks/your style." This isn't strong as "love". Love is very strong word. Don't use it when not needed.
Some guys say to their girls that they love them - They think she will jump to the bed right a way. Although she will try to show you her greetings, don't expect to much. She's just a girl, and if she is between younger then 16. she's Probably virgin.
Bring her flowers & presents some time - it will mean very much to her. If you like to write, write her love letters. Bring her audio cassette with love songs - she'll remember you and connect you to them.
D. Phase II The body language
You are now on the kings way.
You should talk about sex by this time. Ask her what she thinks about it. (Don't involve doing sex with YOU). Ask her about sex generally. Ask her what is the appropriate age for doing it.
Start investigating her body - only in one of your homes. After you kiss her you should get to a situation where you are laying one infront of another (on the bed)
Let your hand travel over her body Don't touch between her legs - do the things in the order below.
Sneak you hand under her skirt and pat her back. If she wears a bra put you hand under the stripe (the one above her back - but don't open it - let your hand travel under the bra surface and forward to her tits. Don't touch hard there - it hurts. If she resists get you hand out of there quickly. We will continue later with this. Give her 10 minutes of rest from the last event. Talk about something else. (Remember - Don't ask her why she resists. Just ignore.)
Another area you should quest is her ass. Pat it gently - Stack you hand gently under her trousers and move your hand more deeply every time. She'll Probably resist or do sounds of disagreement. Remember - Even if she says she's not - She like your touches there. By this time you should be friends for 1-2 months or so - you know each other enough for those games.
After few meets doing the above, you can try removing her bra. The fastest you do it-the better she won't say anything. Don't ask her too remove it by herself - You're on you own now. after you opened it, don't ask her to totally remove it (not at the first time, at least).
Now it's a very important moment. Remember to close the lights, and get blanket from somewhere. Move you hand down to the area of her cunt. (all with clothes, of course). Pat her near it - but don't touch it directly. She'll bag in her mind from you to do it. After a few minutes of doing so, (Don't forget to kiss her all the times...she's not a sex machine)
Move your hand directly to there. You might feel some bones there (and by this time you are wondering where the hall is)
Don't ask her if it's good to her. It is. Your touch there is just like an electrical shock - it's very pleasuring.
If she's OK, she will do the same to you, so you will both feel perfect understand of each other. She might resist to your touch, but -believe me- if you'll stop toucing there for a meet or so, she will curse herself. The next time you'll try - you won't hear a hiss.
Now...open her trousers. If she'll resist ask her what she afraids from. What can possibly happen? Start patting her cunt harder and with circulating movements. (she is still with her underwear -- don't remove it!)Have patience and control yourself. If she'll like what you are doing there, and she's OK, she will do the same to you. Don't hide your erect penis. You can't. But she'll will be amazed from the quick reaction...
Now your hand is there - circulating over her underwear. The best way of directly touching it is to "accidently" insert a finger under her underwear. (Do it from her legs side) She want resist...don't insert a finger in the hole - It can hurt even if she isn't virgin. Remove you fingers from there and insert full hand from her stomach side. Lay your forehand on her hair, and let the fingers play a little down there. Try to locate her clitoris - this is the mega power station of emotions... (Open the little lips of her cunt and travel up until they meet (the lips) there should be there an small organ (About 2-3 cm) - remember:Don't touch there to long - it is the most enjoying organ there, but it's not the only.
Don't forget to kiss her all the times. You can lick her tits nipples (not all the girls will let you doing so in that stage)Kiss her under her neck and lick her hear.
Continue touching her there. The lights are off, but try to look if her eyes are closed. If they are - she's enjoying. If not, continue patting her there - her eyes will be closed immediately.
Try to concentrate on her (girls like attention) but if she wants to pleasure you let her doing so. Remember - don't expect to much from her. You are the leader in the bed.
Try to give her an orgasm. A few minutes of direct squeezes at her clitoris will do. If it doesn't - ask her what will make her good there. Let her instruct you, but don't insist on it. If she has a serial of convulsions - she reached it (with your help of course). After that she will feel free to do it to you...
After the next meet she will take a talk with you. She'll say that she don't like what you've reached ("..I think we are getting to much close to it..."). Ask her "What do you afraid of?? You had fun didn't you? Look. I don't rowing anywhere. I don't know if I want to it yet (I mean full sex)". She'll be convinced. She won't start with it when you are doing so- she have to much pleasure...
You are both naked now, beside of your underwear (I hope). Now - lay on her. Curse the existence of your lower underwear - Loudly. Lay her on her back. Massage her for 10 minutes. Kiss her back. Now - Remove her underwear completely - she'll fill safe because she is on her stomach. (No danger of actual intercourse). Remove your pants. Lay on her (She still upside down -remember?) She will Probably feel great and hot. Rub your penis against her ass chicks. Say to her "would you like me to take some safety percations?". She'll say "What do you mean?" answer her: "I almost finished...". Pull a condom from somewhere (I bet it waited a long time...)and put it. Lay again over her and make some moves. Now - Rotate her so she'll lay on her back again. Lay over her. Fiddle with her cunt a little and try to insert your penis. If she'll say "don't insert" - say "ok", wait and retry.
If it doesn't enter, open her lips with your two hands and try again. If she is virgin, it will Probably hurt her a little so please be patient and if you are powerful, wait for the next meet. (In the next meet throw your parents of your house for the day). If it still hurts her, try to expend her virgin membrane with your fingers. (There IS a hole there - even if she is totally virgin. All you have to do is expend it a little).
What if it doesn't work - There are few possibilities:
- You tried to move too forward with not too much time.
- She's totally cold (Frigid). Find someone else.
- She isn't ready yet. Convince her. "What do you have to loose?" remember that you must make yourself credit from hers side
- She is afraid of pregnancy : Wait, or convince her that you will take a reliable anti-pregnancy device. (Tell her that you'll take condoms; If she's virgin, this is the only possibility).
If she is totally afraid, but want to try sexual intercourse, convince her to take anti-pregnancy pills. It is vey hard for anyone to admit befor a strange person that you're making sexual intercoures; try to understand. BTW, the doctors usually don't "insert hands" today. (They just test blood pressure and heart beat rate)
She will give you examples of girls that she READ about that used anti-pregnancy devices that failed; tell her "Did you hear about all the intercourses which didn't end with pregnancy ?" and "Why are you so negative about it? it's positive thing!"
- If all above fails and she still don't want it, wait. or....merry her...
All the procedure described here (From totally start) Should Take about 3 months. If you're thinking that you are moving to quick, slow the rate.
Gosh... Gotta love truley news-worthy sites...
Darn thing won't fit as my sig so I'll most it here and wait to get moderated down for being "offtopic". :P
Brain : "Pinky , Microsponge is a huge computer corporation run by the world's richest nerd."
Pinky : " Gumby?"
Brain : " No , Pinky. Famous as he is , sadly Gumby was never included in profit participation."
Once more unto the breach dear friends...
*taps feet while waiting for timer to expire so he can put up some defensive self depreciating humor*
Paticularly when I say things like "most it" instead of "post it". hehe
Once more unto the breach dear friends...
'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' Rolls on
... That works in the Hollywood system," she added. "But this is the greatest feeling in the world: when women are coming up and saying 'I'm you.'"
Wed Aug 14, 3:23 PM ET
By ANTHONY BREZNICAN, AP Entertainment Writer
LOS ANGELES (AP) - In a summer of huge movies that last just a few weeks in theaters and are lucky to break even, one little film won't quit.
Photo
AP Photo
The celebration has lasted all summer for "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," a micro-budgeted romantic comedy with great word-of-mouth that has steadily climbed from 20th place on the box-office chart to No. 8 last weekend.
The film, about a woman who defies the traditions of her loud Greek family by marrying a man who isn't Greek, cost only about $5 million to produce. It has collected nearly $45 million since it's April debut, and the end of the honeymoon is nowhere in sight.
"I feel like I connected with absolute strangers across America. That's what I love more than anything," said Nia Vardalos, the star and writer, who adapted the film from her one-woman stage show.
"The money is like, 'Yeah, yeah.'
Vardalos, 39, said she had thought the film would cover its cost and maybe turn a small profit. "I thought I could just die happy that I made a Greek-American movie and I actually got to star in it and that's it," she said.
While "Men in Black II" and "Minority Report" have earned three times as much as Vardalos' film, they also cost about 20 times more to produce. Once marketing costs are factored in, those movies will likely show a profit only on home video.
By comparison, "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," playing in only 723 theaters, continues to add screens and draw packed houses. Brian Fuson, box-office analyst for The Hollywood Reporter, said it could hold a spot in the top 10 for several more weeks.
"It was a slow roll-out, a few more theaters each week, building its way up," said Fuson. "It's basically what every small independent film hopes will happen."
The project developed after actor Tom Hanks and his wife, Rita Wilson, who is Greek-American, saw Vardalos' Los Angeles stage play in 1998. They liked it so much that Hanks purchased the rights through his production company, Playtone Co., and agreed to let Vardalos adapt the story and take the starring role.
Other producers had shown interest in the story, but most wanted to change the family's ethnicity to Hispanic or Italian, saying Greeks wouldn't resonate with mainstream audiences, Vardalos said.
"They came to me and said, 'We saw your play,' and it's almost like the subtext was: 'And now we're gonna wreck it,'" Vardalos said. "They said, 'Greek, Italian -- it's the same, isn't it?'"
The difference may just be the details -- baklava vs. cannoli -- but Vardalos wanted to express pride in her heritage while poking fun at universal idiosyncrasies: prying parents, overprotective brothers, oddball aunts and uncles, and the ritualistic force-feeding found at big family gatherings.
Raised in Winnipeg, Canada, Vardalos started her career studying musical theater and worked in the box office of the Second City comedy troupe in Chicago. When one of the actors missed a performance one night, she filled in because she knew all the lines.
The next day, the group hired her as a performer, and the rest played out like a Hollywood movie: Among the Second City performers was her future husband, Ian Gomez, who appears in the movie as her fiance's best friend.
Her own traditional Greek wedding -- full of boisterous relatives, oodles of food and the grudging fusion of cultures -- inspired her stage act.
She is considering a sequel set in Greece, perhaps something along the lines of "My Big Fat Greek Honeymoon," and has received numerous other acting offers.
Vardalos is reluctant to specify future plans or take a guess at her movie's final box-office take. She doesn't want to jinx anything.
"I'm a Greek tragedian, so we're scared of stuff like that," she said.
That was a rare and touching story.
Thank you for posting it.
but...
GO IRA!
*farts*
Take that!!!
There is one thing that in my opinion seem to be inplausible and therefore a possible indication that the story might not be true.
As I understand it, the standard procedure to prevent the enemy getting their hands on sensitive electronic equipment is to bomb the chrashed airplane.
Why would they risk peoples life when they simply could drop a few bombs and destroy the wreck.
Remember that F-117 that got shot down during the Kosovo terror bombings?
When his plane first got hit by the missile, one of the reasons he dived down was so that he could bring the plane down in one piece so that it would be easier to bomb the wreck. (Unfortunately they have painted the plane black, which actually is the wrong color, the black color made the plane easier to spot under the circumstances and led to him being shot down)
But why risk peoples life on the ground when a few bombs will make it impossible to extract anything of value?
REBORN, Linux audio software is dead :( From ReBorn's website: It was fun while it lasted... I have today been instructed by Propellerhead Software to remove ReBorn from my Website. The ReBorn user interface falls foul of the copyright inherent in the ReBirth product and is consequently an infringement of Propellerhead Software's rights. Unfortunatley, this situation means I have had to reverse my position on releasing the ReBorn source code, which will now not be made publicly available. However, the effort in developing ReBorn will not go entirely to waste. I already have plans to integrate the core audio code into a new soft-synth application, with an all-new interface and 100% incompatibilty with all Propellerhead's products :-) Thankyou to all those people who contacted me to say nice things about ReBorn. I ask all of you to respect Propellerhead Software's wishes (as I have) and not to distribute the program on other websites. David J. Singer
I too thought he said santa fe for a second...
Well, unless you're a pedantic retard, you know what he meant. So, are you?
Read the story - he was (probably) talking about Ira, the guy from this urban legend tale. If anyone did do something like that - put ashes (or anything else) on a spacecraft without authorisation then they should be canned - hell, perhaps prosecuted. Yeah, his motives were good, but it's intolerable to risk a $100 million mission so your buddy's ashes can (sort of) go to Mars.
And since you brought it up - many Irishmen have been killed by English 'terrorists' too. Let's not forget - England invaded and subjugated Ireland, and began colonising it. When you occupy a country, don't be surprised when their people revolt.
And it disingenuous to call the IRA terrorists. Yeah, some have committed atrocities. I don't consider targeting civilians legitimate resistance. But politicians and troops - yes, they are legitimate targets in revolt. And English troops aren't exactly spotless, now are they? Shooting unarmed kids isn't kosher (for either side).
The solution to this problem is pretty clear - England needs to get the hell out of Ireland and Ireland needs to be reunified. The Protestants can either (a) move back to England, or (b) discover what it's like to be a minority.
Puns don't make people laugh; people make people laugh.
you can't find common language with her
I can see why you'd have some trouble with that...
Learn english grammar you russian retard.
Secondly: You know nothing about the situation in Ireland. What do you think would happen if a referendum were held asking those from Northern Ireland if they wanted reunification? I'll give you a clue - it wouldn't be a staggering success for Sinn Fein.
Northern Ireland is nothing but trouble for the UK. Not just the violence and terrorist attacks, but unemployment. We'd get rid of it in a flash if we could, but it would be the start of even worse violence.
On that subject (and on you saying it's unfair to call them terrorists) have you ever heard of punishment shooting/beatings? They happen a lot. Deal drugs in an estate with an IRA drug dealer? Expect to wake up in hospital with no kneecaps. No, really.
Oh, go and watch CNN and ask them for a black and white solution to the problem. But take my word for it, in Ireland there is no wrong/right side, and no easy solution, it is just one big shade of gray.
PS. I admit readily that certain loyalist paramilitaries are just as bad as their IRA counterparts.
There is a flagpole with the attached flag bearing the text: "First Post"
He saw some dirty arabs and fired. Too bad it was just some friendly kurds, BBC reporters and his fellow cowboys.
NASA announced today that it has finally determined the cause of the mysterious disappearance of the Mars Observer satellite. According to a spokesperson, "Apparently our weight calculations were flawed. It seems that the satellite actually weighed slightly more than it should have, and that threw off our trajectory calculations. We have no idea where the extra mass came from, but we have determined that it was roughly equivalent to an aluminum cube approximately one inch square."