Flirting With Mac OS X

An anonymous reader wrote to us with an article on Byte from Moshe Bar about flirting with using OS X. Taco and I are both strongly considering beginning to use OS X as a primary laptops - anyone else looking at doing this? And anyone from Apple that can get me a good price on super TiBooks? *grin*

Comments

404 File Not Found

[Anonymous Coward]

404 File Not Found
The requested URL (articles/02/09/26/0058238.shtml?tid=107) was not found.

If you feel like it, mail the url, and where ya came from to pater@slashdot.org.

Re:Asthetics

[Anonymous Coward]

*looking good

Please tell me I'm not the only one..

[Anonymous Coward]

who read that as felching with OS X. Now that would would truly sum up the spirit of the mac community!

I wish i knew someone...

[n3k5]

I wish i knew someone who bought an OS X box recently so I could have a story posted on Slashdot...

Switching would be nice if....

[dogeatshouse]

there was an IP based Novell client available that actually worked. We have lots of users where I work, who are devoted Apple and Unix junkies... Problem is that we no longer run IPX and prosofteng's IP client (including the latest beta) has not worked with our Novell 5.x servers. Has ANYONE been able to make the OS X IP client work? It won't even browse the network for available trees here.

What happened to World New York

[acomj]

This is completely off topics
but I still miss that site...
It reminded me of NY since I've moved away.

lame grammar joke

[avel599]

Taco and I are both strongly considering beginning to use OSX as a primary laptops

Good for you... I will still to use Linux as a primary desktops

(Note to self: OSX is not a laptops. OSX is an operating system).

Re:Mac Laptops

[Anonymous Coward]

aren't you?

Recheck your facts

[Anonymous Coward]

It seems you are quite out of date with the latest developments in Jaguar.

This is a paid promotion brought to you by...

[Derleth]

10 months ago I used Novell Netware on a 286 at my home office, where I served goatse.cx images to the poor, underprivileged trolls barely making it on Slashdot. I wanted a system I could take with me, to keep current on the latest link-munging techniques and image URLs.

None of the Windows laptops cut it with battery life or monitor durability (they tended to commit suicide after the fifth spreadeagled rectum). Worse, none of them could play the video of Ballmer hopping around like a cracked-up horny toad at a sufficient volume to frighten all the small children on a given flight.

So I looked at the iBook. I broke out my mad money, saved over the years from selling bumfight videos online, and bought the 1600Mhz DVD-ROM liquid-nitrogen-cooled iZilla. I had enough left over to buy the optional iHover attachment to prevent it from crushing my legs. I use it everywhere! Showing the finest in Internet goat-pr0n to those who intend to eat veal at restaurants, giving poor premeds a free view of the inside of the colon at med schools, and giving small children nightmares about drugged-up CEOs chasing them down and crushing them, my iBook is there! Its minature keys are perfectly sized for jizim removal, and its one-button mouse is perfect for one-handed Internet surfing.

Of course, I use nothing but OS X on the beast (up the RAM to at least 1200 Megs) and it's great. Proper terminal window to r00t other peoples' servers, Outlook-compliant email client for vectoring all the latest worms, 802.11b card for warwalking around looking for chalk, and best of all, unlike any other OS in the known Universe, IT JUST WORKS.

I've definately reached the point where I no longer want to have all my machines as play toys - the iBook is a workhorse and just keeps on slogging. Mmmm... horse.

My Name's Steve Jobs ... NO! ... it's ... Snurb ... and I'm a network administrator and CEO of ... NO! ... and ... uh ... al-Quaeda operative ... yeah, that's the ticket!

Re:This could be the end of pussy sugarbitch

[Anonymous Coward]

what the fuck are you talking about? what are they going to make a dual laptop or something? the PPC is fucking dead from motorola, so i dont know how the fuck they are going to revamp it. you are a god damn lying troll. try citing your source for when the Ti is going to get revved. You are such a complete fag.

Tevis, the troll is back again.
He knows nothing, and cant take people who point out that he knows nothing. So he got 2 of his friends with 5 moderator points to attack a "troll." See, this is how losers like Tevis operate. The censor unpopular people or lines of thinking in order to be right. The pussy fucking bitch can try, he and his fag friends, to suppress criticism, but he will fail. Tevis, you mother fucking Troll fascist jerk, please die. You suck. Also note Tevis knows nothing. Its rather easy to tell. He takes his myopic view of the universe and would actuate legislation based on this view. He is not learned [learn-ed, two syllables, Tevis the fag wouldn't know this word], and he is a fool. Death to you Tevis, a pox on Slashdot, death.

Hi, I'm a fag, and I'm Tevis Money. Nice to blow you. Oh, Simplex 2 Herpes?; I love the puss! YUM! Time for me to go down and get to work.

(1/2)Musician + Frisbee Fan + Insanity^13 + Paintball player + Mac Freak^2 + Windows Hater + Linux Padawan = ME

Half musician. That's like being half gay, which he claims he is. Only half gay. Typical of a fuckhead like this, he only makes half assed half hearted attempts.

Frisbee Fan He likes flying rims. Reminds his half gay side of giving rim jobs.

Insanity^13 Reads: Insanity to the thirteenth power. Insanity seem to me to be a clinical Boolean, either one isn't, or is by some definition. If anything, you could be some percentage of insane, but to raise insanity to a power, well, that just the droppings of a stupid mind. Like the mind of Tevis Bitch Money.

Paintball player Except he has a cheesy Tippman Prolite or a rental gun with those gay seltzer CO2 charges. He also uses paintballs filled with Hepatitis, HIV, Blood, PUSS, Gonorrhea, Syphilis and of course Chlamydia (contributed from gay friends and incestual sodomizing family members) and piss, shit and blood. He has yet to infect me, as I take my f/x STO Autococker and fill that hole in his head with paint. I'll be the predator teams regularly crack up at your expense, paint noob.

Mac Freak^2 Mac Freak. Squared. That applies I guess. What I pay for my computer: (PC Price)^2. But he forgets to mention the appropriate performance; sqrt (PC Performance) = Mac.

Windows Hater He hates Winderz but has been known to say that it is outsmarting Linux. Tevis the fuck-head likes to personify inanimate objects because he is Insane to the Thirteenth power. Dum dum duuuum. And whats with this person being multiple persons. Is he a Windows Hater or a Linux Padawan? Are you part Padawan and Part Windows Hater? Each of these is a whole unto themselves. Now schizophrenia is not ruled out, but this is ridiculous. JACK OF ALL TRADES, MASTER of NONE

Linux Padawan This is similar to something a has been would say, but this dipshit is a Linux "never will be". He has never used it, has never used gcc, redone his own kernel, written anything in C, (or C++, Java, Lisp), can not use VI or Emacs, probably knows Pine and Pico real well which makes him Padawan. What a fucking gay term. This is the type of Fuck, Tevis, that Liked Jar Jar binks. He is the archetype of one who has helped George Puke-ass further defile Star Wars. Your fat sexless loser creed is not applicable to everyone, despite what you may believe.

I also believe Tevis to be a boy scout. But his troopmaster calls him a boi scout. He know how to use a canoe paddle, but really likes them with the crock on the end cut off and the pole of the paddle inserted by his troop master in his ass. He got is LIFE badge by being a venue of GAY LIFE for his troopmaster, which he calls Cockmaster Joe.

Tevis Money , I want you to fuck me in the ass please. I am dying to be anally accosted. I want to be ravaged like hog. I want you to dress like a farmer and make me oink like a pig. I want an ass reaming like no other. Tevis Money , I haven't had this kind of lust for you since the crazy college days. We used to butt fuck each other in the stalls. You always told me not to flush and preferred using my feces as apposed to real lubricant. I remember your chocolaty member, your manhood, draped in my feces. Man, Tevis Money
, I remember. I was day dreaming, escaping into a nether world where we used to fornicate, and live in fornicatory bliss. You used to like to keep your tubes socks on to enhance they gay look. We were so flitty and light on our feet. I am so very confused these days. I have difficulty conceptualizing the time that was then in contrast to now. I mean, first you were a raging homosexual, now you wont look me in the eye because of this anime woman. I know that bitch is a transvestite, and you lust after my ass while you are being tentacle raped. You are closeting your homosexuality and denying your roots in my ass! Don't be fooled! TEVIS MONEY knows how to suck a dick. He may nibble, and bite, and pretend to be sheepish at first, but deep down this cock loving acolyte of shaft licks cock like a bar maid. I am destabilizing. The world is going dark to me. I have scintillating threads of motley thoughts; my ability to control my self evanesces away! I have only an adamantine desire to see your balloon knot once again, and to have you ravage mine! TEVIS MONEY - I NEED YOUR HOT MAN SEX NOW. This is your long lost butt buddy Troopmaster Joe, please come back, my son's ass isn't has good as yours!

* m o n e y * f u c k s * b u t t h o l e ! ! ! *
mcccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccm
oc/ccccc\ccccccccccccc\cccccccccccc/cccc\ccccccco
n|ccccccc|ccccccccccccc\cccccccccc|cccccc|ccccccn
e|ccccccc`.ccccccccccccc|ccccccccc|ccccccc:ccccce
y`cccccccc|ccccccccccccc|cccccccc\|ccccccc|cccccy
*c\ccccccc|c/ccccccc/cc\\\ccc--__c\\ccccccc:cccc*
fcc\cccccc\/ccc_--~~cccccccccc~--__|c\ccccc|ccccl
uccc\cccccc\_-~cccccccccccccccccccc~-_\cccc|cccci
ccccc\_ccccc\cccccccc_.--------.______\|ccc|ccccc
kcccccc\ccccc\______//c_c___c_c(_(__;cc\ccc|cccck
sccccccc\ccc.ccCc___)cc______c(_(____;cc|cc/ccccs
*ccccccc/\c|cccCc____)/cccccc\c(_____;cc|_/ccccc*
bcccccc/c/\|cccC_Tevis Money Fucks ASS c/cc\ccccc
ccccc|ccc(ccc_C_____)\______/cc//c_/c/ccccc\ccco
tccccc|cccc\cc|__ccc\\_________//c(__/ccccccc|ccc
tcccc|c\cccc\____)ccc`----ccc--'ccccccccccccc|cck
hcccc|cc\_cccccccccc___\ccccccc/_cccccccccc_/c|c*
occc|cccccccccccccc/cccc|ccccc|cc\cccccccccccc|c!
lccc|ccccccccccccc|cccc/ccccccc\cc\ccccccccccc|c!
eccc|cccccccccc/c/cccc|ccccccccc|cc\ccccccccccc|!
!ccc|ccccccccc/c/cccccc\__/\___/cccc|cccccccccc|!
!cc|ccccccccccc/cccccccc|cccc|ccccccc|ccccccccc|!
!cc|cccccccccc|ccccccccc|cccc|ccccccc|ccccccccc|!
* m o n e y * f u c k s * b u t t h o l e ! ! ! *

My name is TEVIS MONEY and I'm here to Say
I'm a Virgin and I'm gay
I'm looking for some ass if you give me some
If you don't mind making out with a bum
Call the number on the screen! - I may look like a whimp
But in bed I'm mean!

TEVIS MONEY HERE here again, and I'm at the drums
I'm looking for sex amongst the bums
I have a lot of trouble with HTML
I keep telling people smarter than me to go to hell
I give anonymous blowjobs in the subway
I'm saving for more video games and homoerotic anime



COPYWRITE [SIC] Tevis Money and Gay Joe, from the album CREAM.

Re:Princing, pricing, sugarbitch uses XP

[Anonymous Coward]

ahahahahhahahahaha this is PRICELESS. the mac zealot uses XP. I KNEW IT. some linux padawan. HAHAHAHHAHAH what a complete, total fucking fag. you are such a little noob. Egenia loli wannabe and she sucks pretty hard, and you aspire to be like that fat greek pork roll. you are such a fucking geek wannbe. LOLing hard. here. dude, im pissing myself mr mac os x using xp. he then staates the obvious. XP is slower then 98. NAW your shitting me tevis? really. you are a fuicking half brain you dumb shit.

Tevis, the troll is back again.
He knows nothing, and cant take people who point out that he knows nothing. So he got 2 of his friends with 5 moderator points to attack a "troll." See, this is how losers like Tevis operate. The censor unpopular people or lines of thinking in order to be right. The pussy fucking bitch can try, he and his fag friends, to suppress criticism, but he will fail. Tevis, you mother fucking Troll fascist jerk, please die. You suck. Also note Tevis knows nothing. Its rather easy to tell. He takes his myopic view of the universe and would actuate legislation based on this view. He is not learned [learn-ed, two syllables, Tevis the fag wouldn't know this word], and he is a fool. Death to you Tevis, a pox on Slashdot, death.

Hi, I'm a fag, and I'm Tevis Money. Nice to blow you. Oh, Simplex 2 Herpes?; I love the puss! YUM! Time for me to go down and get to work.

(1/2)Musician + Frisbee Fan + Insanity^13 + Paintball player + Mac Freak^2 + Windows Hater + Linux Padawan = ME

Half musician. That's like being half gay, which he claims he is. Only half gay. Typical of a fuckhead like this, he only makes half assed half hearted attempts.

Frisbee Fan He likes flying rims. Reminds his half gay side of giving rim jobs.

Insanity^13 Reads: Insanity to the thirteenth power. Insanity seem to me to be a clinical Boolean, either one isn't, or is by some definition. If anything, you could be some percentage of insane, but to raise insanity to a power, well, that just the droppings of a stupid mind. Like the mind of Tevis Bitch Money.

Paintball player Except he has a cheesy Tippman Prolite or a rental gun with those gay seltzer CO2 charges. He also uses paintballs filled with Hepatitis, HIV, Blood, PUSS, Gonorrhea, Syphilis and of course Chlamydia (contributed from gay friends and incestual sodomizing family members) and piss, shit and blood. He has yet to infect me, as I take my f/x STO Autococker and fill that hole in his head with paint. I'll be the predator teams regularly crack up at your expense, paint noob.

Mac Freak^2 Mac Freak. Squared. That applies I guess. What I pay for my computer: (PC Price)^2. But he forgets to mention the appropriate performance; sqrt (PC Performance) = Mac.

Windows Hater He hates Winderz but has been known to say that it is outsmarting Linux. Tevis the fuck-head likes to personify inanimate objects because he is Insane to the Thirteenth power. Dum dum duuuum. And whats with this person being multiple persons. Is he a Windows Hater or a Linux Padawan? Are you part Padawan and Part Windows Hater? Each of these is a whole unto themselves. Now schizophrenia is not ruled out, but this is ridiculous. JACK OF ALL TRADES, MASTER of NONE

Linux Padawan This is similar to something a has been would say, but this dipshit is a Linux "never will be". He has never used it, has never used gcc, redone his own kernel, written anything in C, (or C++, Java, Lisp), can not use VI or Emacs, probably knows Pine and Pico real well which makes him Padawan. What a fucking gay term. This is the type of Fuck, Tevis, that Liked Jar Jar binks. He is the archetype of one who has helped George Puke-ass further defile Star Wars. Your fat sexless loser creed is not applicable to everyone, despite what you may believe.

I also believe Tevis to be a boy scout. But his troopmaster calls him a boi scout. He know how to use a canoe paddle, but really likes them with the crock on the end cut off and the pole of the paddle inserted by his troop master in his ass. He got is LIFE badge by being a venue of GAY LIFE for his troopmaster, which he calls Cockmaster Joe.

Tevis Money , I want you to fuck me in the ass please. I am dying to be anally accosted. I want to be ravaged like hog. I want you to dress like a farmer and make me oink like a pig. I want an ass reaming like no other. Tevis Money , I haven't had this kind of lust for you since the crazy college days. We used to butt fuck each other in the stalls. You always told me not to flush and preferred using my feces as apposed to real lubricant. I remember your chocolaty member, your manhood, draped in my feces. Man, Tevis Money
, I remember. I was day dreaming, escaping into a nether world where we used to fornicate, and live in fornicatory bliss. You used to like to keep your tubes socks on to enhance they gay look. We were so flitty and light on our feet. I am so very confused these days. I have difficulty conceptualizing the time that was then in contrast to now. I mean, first you were a raging homosexual, now you wont look me in the eye because of this anime woman. I know that bitch is a transvestite, and you lust after my ass while you are being tentacle raped. You are closeting your homosexuality and denying your roots in my ass! Don't be fooled! TEVIS MONEY knows how to suck a dick. He may nibble, and bite, and pretend to be sheepish at first, but deep down this cock loving acolyte of shaft licks cock like a bar maid. I am destabilizing. The world is going dark to me. I have scintillating threads of motley thoughts; my ability to control my self evanesces away! I have only an adamantine desire to see your balloon knot once again, and to have you ravage mine! TEVIS MONEY - I NEED YOUR HOT MAN SEX NOW. This is your long lost butt buddy Troopmaster Joe, please come back, my son's ass isn't has good as yours!

* m o n e y * f u c k s * b u t t h o l e ! ! ! *
mcccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccm
oc/ccccc\ccccccccccccc\cccccccccccc/cccc\ccccccco
n|ccccccc|ccccccccccccc\cccccccccc|cccccc|ccccccn
e|ccccccc`.ccccccccccccc|ccccccccc|ccccccc:ccccce
y`cccccccc|ccccccccccccc|cccccccc\|ccccccc|cccccy
*c\ccccccc|c/ccccccc/cc\\\ccc--__c\\ccccccc:cccc*
fcc\cccccc\/ccc_--~~cccccccccc~--__|c\ccccc|ccccl
uccc\cccccc\_-~cccccccccccccccccccc~-_\cccc|cccci
ccccc\_ccccc\cccccccc_.--------.______\|ccc|ccccc
kcccccc\ccccc\______//c_c___c_c(_(__;cc\ccc|cccck
sccccccc\ccc.ccCc___)cc______c(_(____;cc|cc/ccccs
*ccccccc/\c|cccCc____)/cccccc\c(_____;cc|_/ccccc*
bcccccc/c/\|cccC_Tevis Money Fucks ASS c/cc\ccccc
ccccc|ccc(ccc_C_____)\______/cc//c_/c/ccccc\ccco
tccccc|cccc\cc|__ccc\\_________//c(__/ccccccc|ccc
tcccc|c\cccc\____)ccc`----ccc--'ccccccccccccc|cck
hcccc|cc\_cccccccccc___\ccccccc/_cccccccccc_/c|c*
occc|cccccccccccccc/cccc|ccccc|cc\cccccccccccc|c!
lccc|ccccccccccccc|cccc/ccccccc\cc\ccccccccccc|c!
eccc|cccccccccc/c/cccc|ccccccccc|cc\ccccccccccc|!
!ccc|ccccccccc/c/cccccc\__/\___/cccc|cccccccccc|!
!cc|ccccccccccc/cccccccc|cccc|ccccccc|ccccccccc|!
!cc|cccccccccc|ccccccccc|cccc|ccccccc|ccccccccc|!
* m o n e y * f u c k s * b u t t h o l e ! ! ! *

My name is TEVIS MONEY and I'm here to Say
I'm a Virgin and I'm gay
I'm looking for some ass if you give me some
If you don't mind making out with a bum
Call the number on the screen! - I may look like a whimp
But in bed I'm mean!

TEVIS MONEY HERE here again, and I'm at the drums
I'm looking for sex amongst the bums
I have a lot of trouble with HTML
I keep telling people smarter than me to go to hell
I give anonymous blowjobs in the subway
I'm saving for more video games and homoerotic anime



COPYWRITE [SIC] Tevis Money and Gay Joe, from the album CREAM.

Re:Ugh, where to begin... abuse of +2

[Anonymous Coward]

this person abuses posting at +2.

Re:This in honor of sugarbitchs' hampster fucking

[Anonymous Coward]

f.a.q frequently asked questions

What sort of people buy REALHAMSTER?
Can I get a catalogue?
When will you offer a SHE-MALE REALHAMSTER?
What is the price for a REALHAMSTER?
How are REALHAMSTERs shipped?
Can I customise my hamster?
Does the fur fabric have a foul odour/flavour?
What if I don't fit with REALHAMSTER's sex parts?
Can REALHAMSTER stand upright, unsupported?
Does REALHAMSTER come with clothes? What clothes can it wear?
What are REALHAMSTER's cosmetic features?
Tell me more about the fur fabric.
How strong and flexible are REALHAMSTER's joints?
How do I clean my REALHAMSTER?
What is your return policy?
So you offer teledildonic REALHAMSTERs?
Is REALHAMSTER Year 2000 compliant?

Question: What sort of people buy REALHAMSTER?

REALHAMSTER customers include futurists, artists, animal lovers, film-makers, engineers, computer scientists, health-conscious types, housewives, househusbands you name it. We provide REALHAMSTERs to single men or women, couples seeking to spice up their sex lives, librarians looking for exotic bookends or anyone who is willing to pay outrageous sums of money for the ultimate buggering hamster (for whatever reason).

Question: Can I have a catalogue or more information mailed to me?

Sorry, we don't offer a printed catalogue. All useful information about REALHAMSTER is here, on these web pages. A printed catalogue would simply be a waste of dead trees.

Question: When will you offer a SHE-MALE REALHAMSTER?

We're not quite sure what such a critter would look like. Since, however, the willy and vaginal options are independent on all models, we should have no trouble coming up with your idea of a "SHE-MALE" REALHAMSTER. Please advise us of the relative positioning of the genitalia.

Question: What is the price for a REALHAMSTER?

The Standard REALHAMSTER with two entries is $3,999. The Deluxe three-entry REALHAMSTER is $4,249. Shipping is $50 within New Zealand. Complete information about ordering can be found on our ORDERS page.

Question: I read somewhere that you offered a less expensive sackcloth hamster. Where can I buy it?

Our sackcloth hamsters have been discontinued. They were extremely difficult to engineer and were nowhere near as popular as our fur fabric hamster our testing staff refuse to have anything to do with them. We will not resume engineering of sackcloth hamsters.

Question: Why do you charge so much for REALHAMSTER?

REALHAMSTER would probably be cheap at thrice the price. REALHAMSTER engineering is labour intensive and the component cost is high. We've bent over backwards to make REALHAMSTER affordable while keeping the high performance, realistic look-and-feel and lifelike flexibility our customers demand of the world's finest buggering hamster.

Question: Do you offer a payment plan?

Yes. To qualify for the playment plan, however, you must send us your firstborn. Our interest rate ranges between 11 and 22* percent per annum, depending on the result of an asset-test performed on your immediate family.

Question: Where else can I buy REALHAMSTER?

REALHAMSTER cannot be purchased from anywhere but a private sale or this web site.

Question: How are REALHAMSTERs shipped?

REALHAMSTERs are shipped by standard freight in a rugged cardboard box purporting to contain something innocuous such as a 20" Triniton monitor. The box has child-proof opening instructions and is sealed with brown packing tape. The box is a cube approximately 2'6" across and weighs about 60 lbs when packed. The hamster is buried deep inside the box in a pile of wood shavings.

Question: Can I customise the look of my hamster? Can you mill a custom head or likeness from an AutoCAD file?

REALHAMSTER is a custom engineered hamster. You can select from a wide variety of colours and configurations on our ORDERS page. There are certain colours and features we don't yet offer. Sometimes we can handle requests for unusual colours or modifications to the cybernetics, but we don't design and build new cybernetics for single orders.

Question: I can't really visualise the critter I want from the the colour options listed. Could I send in a centerfold from What Hamster and let you sort out the colours instead?

Certainly. We can exactly reproduce fur colouring and styles from magazine pages, right down to the last halftone dot.

Question: Does the fur fabric have a foul odour?

No. REALHAMSTER's fur has a distinctive musky smell, just like the real thing. For added realism, the female models go into Extra Smelly Mode roughly once every four days.

Question: Does the fur have a foul flavour?

No. Expert hamster-tasters all over the world agree that REALHAMSTER is representative of the world's finest tasting hamsters.

Question: What if I don't fit with REALHAMSTER's sex parts?

REALHAMSTER's oral, vaginal and anal cavities are independently adjustable to snugly accommodate any willy up to 7" in length and 5*" in circumference without the need for duct tape. REALHAMSTER's passages are computer controlled and hydraulically adjusted 50 times a second to maintain a lifelife feel for any willy for which the REALHAMSTER is calibrated. The willy profile is securely encrypted and stored on a robust MEPROM. REALHAMSTER's adjustment procedure is easy:
Erase the MEPROM Place the REALHAMSTER in a microwave, set the power to maximum and the cooking time to one minute. Allow to cool for two minutes afterwards.
Choose an orifice and lubricate with vaseline, wet-set jelly, graphite or Celtic Misht, the ultimate personal lubricant.
Penetrate the REALHAMSTER as you would normally.
With both hands, squeeze the REALHAMSTER tightly until the feel is just right.
While maintaining the hand pressure, thrust with an in and out motion for at least 30 seconds.
Repeat steps 2-5 for the other orifices.
A multiuser upgrade ROM, together with a larger MEPROM, will be available soon.

If for any reason you still can't fit into your REALHAMSTER, please come to us. Our friendly staff at the REALHORSE beta-testing facility would really like a visit from you.

Question: Tell me more about REALHAMSTER's "suction effect!"

After a few thrusts, a partial vacuum is formed inside REALHAMSTER's orifices which creates a powerful but safe suction effect. Many REALHAMSTER owners have reported intense orgasms due to this feature, especially dairy farmers who find their milking machines no match for their meat.

Question: Does the hamster include any electronic features which enhance the pleasure experience, such as a vibrating rectum?

All REALHAMSTERs are equipped with not so much a vibrator, as a computer controlled, hydraulically actuated artificial passage for each orifice, the most powerful one assigned to the anal entry. The passages rythmically constrict uniformly or in waves, depending on both the stimulus given to the hamster and its basic programming. One model, Thumper, does include a vibrator in addition to the natural-feeling passages. Bear in mind that this vibrator is very powerful and extremely dangerous to operate whilst riding even a large motorcycle.

Question: Can its claws slash you into ribbons?

Only Shredder's claws can do that. All other REALHAMSTER claws are quite harmless.

Question: Can REALHAMSTER stand upright, unsupported?

Yes, either on all four paws, or just the hind paws and its tail. REALHAMSTER has the poise and eager state of a hamster waiting to be buggered.

Question: Can it support itself enough to do it "doggy" style?

Certainly, though you'll need a table and some G-clamps if hands-free operation is required. Our marketing people are currently conducting an extensive research programme into the viability of a future REALDOG, for the ultimate in "doing it doggie style".

Question: Does REALHAMSTER come with clothes?

At present, no REALHAMSTER model is shipped with clothes of any kind. We are working on a Beatrix Potter variant that will feature a blue-and-white checked gingham dress, a frilly bonnet and daring lingerie.

Question: I want to start shopping for my hamster's clothes now, before it arrives. Is this a good idea?

Not really. Always take your hamster with you when shopping for clothes.

Question: Are there items of clothing which can actually damage the hamster?

Yes. Neckties interfere with the operation of REALHAMSTER's CPU and its anal passage actuators. Prolonged use of neckties can lead to irreversible damage to these components.

Question: Are tiger stripes or fresian cow spots available?

No. You can, however, use a permanent ink marker to draw such markings on your hamster.

Question: Can you pierce its ears, nipples, etc?

Yes. You can pierce any of REALHAMSTER's extremities.

Question: Can I dye the hamster's fur to a different colour?

Yes. Ordinary hair dye can be used to colour the hamster, though the effect works best when the dye's colour is the same as the original colour of the fur.

Question: Can REALHAMSTER's fur be styled normally?

Yes. REALHAMSTER's fur can be easily be styled to look like Brad Pitt, Sean Connery, Sebastian Bach or Fabio.

Question: Can I use cosmetics on REALHAMSTER?

Yes. All cosmetics designed for hamsters work very well for REALHAMSTER.

Question: Tell me more about the fur fabric. What are its properties? What should I be aware of? What if I'm allergic to it?

The high grade of fur fabric used for REALHAMSTER is a spin-off from NASA's space programme. It has a high tensile strength, resists matting and is unlikely to cause allergic reactions to anyone.

Question: What is the lifespan of fur fabric? Will it shed? Do I need to worry about fleas or anything like that?

Fur fabric does not shed much at all, even at the beginning of summer. Five years of vigorous shelf testing show less than 0.03% loss in furriness. With recommended buggering techniques, REALHAMSTER should last centuries.

Question: I want to bathe and shower with my hamster. Is there anything I need to be careful about, like water temperature or duration?

Fur fabric can withstand temperatures up to 70*C. The fuel cell will remain efficient for external temperatures up to 58*C. It's advisable, when taking a bath, to allow REALHAMSTER the occasional intake of air to ensure proper operation of the fuel cell and delivery of power to the hamster's cybernetics.

Question: Can water become trapped inside the hamster?

Not in anywhere that matters. REALHAMSTER can easily be dried inside and out in seconds with a hair dryer. Alternatively, the hamster can just be left running for half an hour to dry itself.

Question: Can I use my REALHAMSTER as a pool toy?

Yes. Remember to negotiate the exact rules for hamster-pool with the other player(s) before commencing the game.

Question: How flexible is REALHAMSTER?

REALHAMSTER's fur fabric and jointed skeleton are very flexible and will hold almost any position a real hamster could adopt. There are some positions which are more stressful on both the fur fabric and the internal cybernetics. REALHAMSTER cannot be twisted into a M*bius strip, squeezed into a singularity or made to accomodate anything larger than a Tomahawk cruise missile.

Question: How strong are the hamster's joints?

REALHAMSTER's joints are made strong, with steel!

Question: What is the range of the hamster's joints?

REALHAMSTER's joints have a very realistic range of movement about 50-80 degrees or more, depending on the joint.

Question: How hard can REALHAMSTER be buggered?

Very hard. REALHAMSTER can safely withstand over 200 lbs of thrust.

Question: Are there any known health risks? How clean is it and how difficult is it to keep it in a sanitary condition?

There are no known health risks associated with REALHAMSTER. Each REALHAMSTER is put through the dishwasher as soon as the testing staff are finished with it. Keeping the hamster clean is easy. REALHAMSTER can be cleaned with soap and water, detergent or engine degreaser. Stubborn sticky bits can easily be dislodged with the tail end of the RPBP included in the accessory kit shipped with every REALHAMSTER.

Question: What happens when "the honeymoon is over" and I feel that the hamster is not for me and wish to return it?

Nothing. Nothing will happen at all.

Question: Does it come with a warranty? What happens if it breaks?

REALHAMSTER is extremely rugged, but not designed to be subjected to any sort of abuse. Thermite butt-plugs, nuclear weapons and neckties are not recommended as they can seriously damage REALHAMSTER's cybernetics. Exposure to Shortland Street is right out. We do not accept returns, but in the unlikely event of component failure, you can easily repair or replace the components yourself with parts from your local electronic, hydraulic, art supply, medical and cybernetic specialist stores.

Question: Can I change my mind and cancel after I place an order?

No. Choose your REALHAMSTER carefully.

Question: Do you offer teledildonic versions of REALHAMSTER?

Not yet. Our teledildonic hamsters are still in the development stage. Telebuggering works in principle but extra safety features need to be incorporated. One can never be quite sure what the other party intends to do with the remote hamster.

Is REALHAMSTER Year 2000 compliant?

Yes. All REALHAMSTER software and firmware has been thoroughly checked and verified for Year 2000 compliance. You may bugger REALHAMSTER anytime, safe in the knowledge that it won't suddenly forget your willy size at the start of the new millennium