Slashdot Mirror
Add-Ons Add Up
The Washington Post has a story about the proliferation of extra fees tacked on to just about every product or service under the sun. A couple of good insights make it worth the read.
← Back to Stories (view on slashdot.org)
Naaah, couldn't be.
Knowing your Pork Beasts
a NoPorkBeasts.Com public service announcement
As many of you know Land Whales come in many shapes and sizes, this is also true about their personalities. Here at North American Anti Pork Beast Society we have gone to great lengths to study the Greater Northern American Homo-Erectus-Sapian-Glutonous, and discovered several subspecies with in the main Pork Beast group. We have gathered all the information and put it in a chart to help you the American public recognize what type of lard monster you are dealing with.
Happy Smiling Pork Beast: (laeta risum intransit petaso beluae) AKA: HappyFatty or Tons'O'fun
These monsters are the way we often think about fat asses, happy and smiling full of joy. Always appear to be laughing and having a good time in general. Often seen around skinny women, making light of the situation. This is a ploy, this landwhale is plotting against you and using a happy demeanor to get you to put your guard down. Often uses hot women to attract men to her, these skinny women have no idea how much danger they are in. This beast is using them to attack not only a mate, but food. One of the most dangerous porkers often found in bar or clubs. They pray on the drunkenness of the homo-sapian male. The best way to combat them is always drink with friends, make sure your one of your friends isn't drinking, and always know where the exits are in the location.
Sully Sulking Land Whale: (reclamitare sulka terra pistricis orca) AKA: Depressed about her weight or Just needs some love
Often seen in a depressed state these lard eaters have been know to cry at the drop of a hat. They normally hunt by themselves and sit in public areas looking sorry for themselves. Although they appear to be a non-threat, they are very dangerous. Often pray on people who want to help and when they get close enough to the creature an eat attack normally occurs. They are very slow and can be stopped with quick movements and attention be brought to them. They do not like to be found out and will leave the area if exposed.
Angry militant Fat Monster: (iracundae pilus adipatus prodigium) AKA: Naafa Underling, Tons'O'Anger and Card Carry Member of Naafa
A highly dangerous sub species of the Pork Beast. These creatures believe that not only it okay to be fat, but fat is better. They are often seen making a scene where ever they go, making unreasonable threats backed up with false information about the law. They love the attention and will not stop the attack until something else catches their small minded attention. These beast also have a huge amount of time which allows them to surf the web and write books of information on things that no one really cares about. These beast will not attack individuals but rather an establishment. They feel they are never wrong and the world must change to accommodate them. The best way to combat these nasty beasties is to carry shinny things, all dumb animals love shiny things. Never ever argue the facts with these creatures since they have been know to attack even in public when flustered with truth.
Crying like a little bitch Pork beast: (vagitus canicula petaso beluae) AKA: Teary eyed, Oh look the fat girl is crying, and oh look what you have done
Not to be confused with the Sully Sulking Land Whales, these flabby arms use tears to get what ever they want. If something is not going there way they will turn on the water works and cry until they get what they asked for or wanted. Often see with chocolate around their fat face they appear to be truly pathetic animals. These monster usually pray on the feelings of over sensitive people and girlfriends. Like the Militant fatties they believe they are always right, but use tears to get what they want. These creatures do not normally eat attack humans but will ask for food when a person helps them.
Baby Eaters: (infantis comedesse) AKA: The Fat Day care worker, Fat Baby Sitter, and the Chubby Girl who will watch your kids
The most dangerous of all the fatties, these monsters eat the young not only of humans but of cats and dogs too. They often appear as a Happy Smiling beasties but are not accompanied by the hot girls. They will smile and entertain your children and lead you to believe they care. They will build your trust and get you to leave your kids with them. They never eat with in the first few years of using them, but often kiss the children to taste them. Once they believe the child is ripe will eat it and disappears. They often eat as many as 12-13 babies in a year. When not eating children will eat puppies and kittens. They say the meat is soft and juicy. The best way to protect yourself is never to leave your children unattended around fat people. Although Baby eaters choose this as a lifestyle, all fatties will eat babies given half the chance.
Proud to be Me Fatty: (celsus actito apud unguinis) AKA: Naafa Admin, Guest Speakers, Fat is Great, and Naafa Ministers of Propaganda
These are the leading party of all the sub species. These monsters are not on;y devious but also accomplice all the other species in one. They often seen leading other soldier fatties around and seem to have mind control over them. They will eat attack when hungry, yell and scream when needed and cry if it is called for. These porkers are the most intelligent of the porkbeasts with IQ's as high as 70 they are the ruling party. Although rare can be found where ever fat people gather, i.e. all you can eat restaurant, amusement and water parks, Naafa conventions, and chubby chaser parties.
Hopefully this will help you recognize these awful creatures and keep you safe. Remember never approach a pork beast alone and always be aware when pork beasts are around.
Copyright 2002 North American Anti-Porkbeast Society. Everything you see on this page is owned by NoPorkbeasts.com/NAAPBS/Cobra. We will not sue you if you steal any of our images or intellectual property, but we will damn sure track your ass down and beat the living shit out of out.
Fuck michael like he fucked the Censorware project.
Too bad I already read this on fark.com ....
You're nothing; like me.
great movie
NAME: Casillas, Luis E-MAIL: casillas@stanford.edu, em@adequacy.org ALIASES: em, Estanislao Martinez, Sylvain Tremblay
NAME: Corrigan, Barry E-MAIL: barry@bjcorrigan.fsnet.co.uk, bc@adequacy.org ALIASES: bc, ktb (Kiss the Blade), Lover's Arrival, Euroderf, Erbert Paget-Paget, Anya
NAME: Dickson, Craig E-MAIL: crd@inversenet.com, mendaxveritas@yahoo.com, mendaxveritas@pacbell.net ALIASES: mv, Mendax Veritas
NAME: Flickinger, Dan E-MAIL: flikx@geekizoid.com ALIASES: flikx
NAME: Haberberger, George E-MAIL: ghaberbe@frontiernet.net, George.Haberberger@usa.xerox.com ALIASES: GeorgeHa, Hairy_Potter
NAME: Johnson, Peter E-MAIL: peter.johnson@voicestream.com, shoeboy@adequacy.org ALIASES: Shoeboy, Peter Johnson
NAME: Lockwood, Scott E-MAIL: wsl3@attbi.com, vlad@geekizoid.com ALIASES: Vladinator, Lonesome Cowboy Burt, Quick Star, Pinkerton Floyd, etc.
NAME: Linwood, Rob E-MAIL: rcl@cs.csoft.net, rcl211@is9.nyu.edu ALIASES: AuntFloyd, Con Troll
NAME: Mann, Warren E-MAIL: broken@warmann.com ALIASES: osm, OpenSourceMan
NAME: McPherson, Craig E-MAIL: craig@laceyonline.com ALIASES: craig, naked&petrified guy
NAME: Nelson, Brian E-MAIL: elenchos@adequacy.org ALIASES: Elenchos
NAME: Osborne, Michaell E-MAIL: osborm@yahoo.com, dmg@adequacy.org, michaellosborne@netscapeonline.co.uk ALIASES: dmg, Dumb Marketing Guy, Lord Hugh Toppingham
NAME: Sassaman, Esther E-MAIL: esther@antioch.edu, perdida@adequacy.org, reva_altamira@yahoo.com ALIASES: Perdida, Reva Altamira, etc.
NAME: Skinner, James E-MAIL: spiralx@spazmail.com, spiralx@adequacy.org ALIASES: SpiralX, Manifold, Jon Erikson
NAME: Stanton, Matt E-MAIL: matt@madeforchina.com, serf@adequacy.org ALIASES: Serf
NAME: Zikowski, Zachary E-MAIL: zikzak@io.com, zikzak@adequacy.org ALIASES: Zikzak, kp
NAME: ???, Ernie E-MAIL: trollmastah@hotmail.com ALIASES: Trollmastah
The lameness filter makes it impossible to post this in any sort of aesthetically-pleasing format. To paraphrase Final Fantasy Tactics, "Blame yourself or Rob." ;-)