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NCR Patents the Internet
An anonymous reader writes "We all know about NCR's lawsuit against Palm & Handspring, but I haven't seen much press about patent infringements they are claiming against some of the biggest sites on the planet. According to documentation that a friend's company has recently received, their patents protect everything from keyword searching to product categorization. Patents to look for (and filed in 1998) include 6,253,203, 6,169,997, 6,151,601, 6,085,223 and 5,991,791 . IMHO, this is absolutely outrageous and is likely to cause billions in both legal fees and eventual licensing fees (eBay, Amazon and MSFT have already licensed from NCR). How is this not the lead story on every site? every day? Maybe because no one wants to get sued for having an online business."
Finally, someone will make money off the internet.
They also patented the first post!
Since the topic is on crazy patents...
Has anyone ever tried to patent the patent process itself? Heck, since such stupid things as using laser pointers as a cat toy are patentable, why not do something completely insane and patent the actual process of getting a patent.
I can just see the waves of patent lawers out in the street screaming about how they have to now pay ME the holder of the patent on patenting royaltee's everytime they file a patent.
As stupid as an idea this may sound, look at how stupid the patent office is already. I think someone with the balls and cash should do it, just as a wake up call to the USPO.
everyone knows al gore did that
Umm... Doesn't Al Gore have prior art on inventing the internet?
Can't Al Gore claim prior art?
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
- Jerome Klapka Jerome
Nope. That's duplicate story day.
Don't you mean "Not making money on the internet was patented by Amazon"?
Of course...! Ask any of our customers who have increased their penis size by at least 3". And all the millionaires that made their money from the internet and have retired comfortably...
Act now and you may have the same licence that Ebay, Amazon and MSFT has at 1/2 the price they paid! This is not a scam!
This was my first reaction anyways. No proof and this claim sound suspiciously familiar to spam I regularly receive...
Hrmm... I'm going to apply for a patent to having sex on a swing. I'm surprised its not already.. oh fsck.. the secrets out!
Can all fish swim?
Shouldn't HE have those patents?:)
You are not the customer.
Ooooh
But I just patented the idea of patenting patents!
You owe me money!
Lastly, it should be noted that because pulling alternately on one chain and then the other resembles in some measure the movements one would use to swing from vines in a dense jungle forest, the swinging method of the present invention may be referred to by the present inventor and his sister as "Tarzan" swinging. The user may even choose to produce a Tarzan-type yell while swinging in the manner described, which more accurately replicates swinging on vines in a dense jungle forest. Actual jungle forestry is not required.
It does however have one redeeming quality - it's one of the most readable patents I've ever seen
Oh great. Now an excuse of screw customers.
Dear AOL (l)users,
Due to the patents held by NCR, we are unable to respect you privacy.
Thanks for your attention.
The marketing team at AOLTW
http://www.uspto.gov/ appears to violate all those patents itself !
NCR Corporation provides us with some examples to get you going:
- Exactly like a database, except it's on the Internet.
- Exactly like a secure database, except it's on the Internet.
- Exactly like a commerce database, except it's on the Internet.
- Exactly like a database client, except it's on the Internet.
- Exactly like computer security, except it's on the Internet.
Thanks, NCR!Ceci n'est pas une pipe.
That's classic. My favorite quote comes at the very end.
Lastly, it should be noted that because pulling alternately on one chain and then the other resembles in some measure the movements one would use to swing from vines in a dense jungle forest, the swinging method of the present invention may be referred to by the present inventor and his sister as "Tarzan" swinging. The user may even choose to produce a Tarzan-type yell while swinging in the manner described, which more accurately replicates swinging on vines in a dense jungle forest. Actual jungle forestry is not required.
Licenses are available from the inventor upon request. "
(Score: -1, Stupid)
As owner of several patents for methods of winning a patent battle, I say you can't win it.
Unless you remit a $3,000 fee for the battle.
Keep in mind, I also have a patent for winning a patent war through a series of patent battles. Fees escalate with each successive battle.
I think I will patent a system for the production of specific enzymes through the use of transportable and duplicable molecular combinations through polymerase enzymes.
I will then demand license fees for the operation of DNA in every lifeform on Earth.
How about Penn Jillette's (of Penn & Teller) patent for arousing women in a hot tub?
This sig intentionally left justified.
I thought that making money off the internet was pioneered by the pornography industries.
File under 'M' for 'Manic ranting'
Did Al Gore ever work for NCR?
Application for a US Patent:
:-)
Title: A Method for the Protection of Exclusive Property Right
Abstract: The method is comprised of a system consisting of three parts: a) a mechanism for notifying a controlling unit of a new device or process, or a modification to an existing one; b) a process for notifying the public of approval of said innovation; and c) a mechanism for enforcing the intellectual property rights of the creator of the innovation.
Think the USPTO will mind if I try and patent patents?
--
Me: http://www.robertdhill.com/
I'd like to appeal this patent. Please, everyone email me lots and lots of prior art for the lawsuit. Both video and still photos are acceptable.
The opinions stated herein do not necessarily represent those of anybody at all. Deal with it.
Well, thankgoodnes they took out these patents... otherwise we wouldn't have keyword searching or product categorization or anything in between! Online shopping would suck! Yay NCR.
SO YOU'RE GOING TO DIE: The Comic for Dealing with Death
THAT YOU PR0N LOVIN PERVS!!!!
You're welcome.