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Contractor Proposes Laser Rifles for US Military

The Fryar writes "Well, folks, it looks like the future really is now! It seems the Defense Review has uncovered a submission by Stavatti, a sort of "free market" defense contractor, to the military for a laser rifle. The submission comes in response to the Army's LFLAN requirement - the quest to provide "Light Fighter Lethality After Next" technology, or lasers/phasers/sabers/advanced weapons for use some 20 years down the road. Needless to say, I also considered the category "Star Wars Prequels" for this article."

22 of 724 comments (clear)

  1. You mean... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

    Now attach them to shark's heads.

    1. Re:You mean... by swordboy · · Score: 4, Funny

      Or you could use them to play a prank on a corrupt college professor - use the laser to fill his house with popcorn!

      Oh.. wait...

      --

      Life is the leading cause of death in America.
  2. WOW by WestieDog · · Score: 5, Funny

    I also here that the BFG isn't far behind...

    1. Re:WOW by robbo · · Score: 4, Funny

      I was thinking more along the lines of a Doomsday Device, or perhaps a method for clearing planets to make way for an interstallar bypass. :-)

      --
      So long, and thanks for all the Phish
  3. Woohoo! by Saint+Mitchell · · Score: 4, Funny

    I'm with it as long as the use Red for one side and Blue for the other just like they did in the GI Joe cartoons. After all, you have to be able to tell who is shooting at you.

    1. Re:Woohoo! by aghman · · Score: 4, Funny

      Then nobody would die, and only vehicles would explode! And whenever something bad was going to happen to you, one of the Joe's would come around and teach you how to stay safe! Oh what a wonderful world.
      "And now I know...and knowing is half the battle!"

    2. Re:Woohoo! by gmuslera · · Score: 5, Funny
      Those lasers will follow the RFC 3514 convention, so evil people will turn on the evil bit to have a laser in red color, and good ones will have it turned off.

      That will be used unless the evil ones are really evils, and turn off the bit disregarding RFC and Geneva conventions, in that case the good ones will change the bit to look different.

      Fortunatelly they will not be used in the Iraq war, because invaders (the ones that you traditionally call evils) and iraqis (the evil ones according to US) will use the same color.

    3. Re:Woohoo! by jareth780 · · Score: 5, Funny

      "Before a weapon like the TIS-1 could be adopted, a number of technichal hurdles would have to be successfully negotiated, such as..."

      1. Getting the guns to make that "Peww!" sound whenever they shoot.

      2. Making the lasers shoot at a slow enough velocity so that you can actually watch it travel from the end of the barrel to the target in no less than 0.4 seconds. This way massive hallway gun-fights involving garbage-shoot-getaways look that much cooler.

      Personally, I'm with it just as long as they make one that looks like a broomhandle mauser.

    4. Re:Woohoo! by EatHam · · Score: 5, Funny

      No kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom! I vote to name this the Illudium Pu-36 Explosive Space Modulator.

  4. yeah, right by archeopterix · · Score: 3, Funny
    From the article:
    Before a weapon like the TIS-1 could be adopted, a number of technichal hurdles would have to be successfully negotiated, such as...
    a viable power source that could provide long-term and adequate power, heat containment/shielding, and forward recoil mitigation.
    Next on Slashdot: If we had the technology for transforming potato chips into silicon chips, we'd gladly do it!
  5. Enough with the April Fools... by guacamolefoo · · Score: 3, Funny

    Alrighty. Lasers as weapons. Sure...I believe that one. I bet they've also got an evil bit to tell you whether the beam should be red or blue/green.

    GF.

  6. Say what? by Otter · · Score: 3, Funny
    Stavatti, a sort of "free market" defense contractor

    That term doesn't appear in the article, doesn't show up in a Google search and is completely incomprehensible to me.

  7. It won't be truly cool... by Flounder · · Score: 3, Funny
    until they equip the US Army in white Stormtrooper outfits and send them back into Iraq with dewbacks, scout bikes, and blaster rifles.

    Granted, let's hope they'll be better shots and not as prone to suggestions from old men in robes.

    --

    No boom today. Boom tomorrow. There's always a boom tomorrow. - Cmdr. Susan Ivanova

  8. Re:Lethal? by ip_vjl · · Score: 4, Funny

    Don't you watch the Simpsons?

    If you shine a laser dot onto someones pants, you trick them into thinking they have a spot on their pants and they drop them. Then when the spot is on their underwear, they think THAT is where the stain is and drop those.

    ...

    I'm guessing at that point you just go in with conventional weapons since the enemy will be standing there with no pants.

  9. Oh shit by Epistax · · Score: 3, Funny

    If this is at all like the movies, we wont be able to hit ANYONE with them. And they'll travel slower than bullets. And be about a half a foot wide and red. And they'll make a noise when going through the air. And they'll cause explosions and sparks whenever they hit anything. And we'll wear big clunky white armor which doesn't even defend against rocks let alone lasers which restrict our movement and cause us to act all stupid and that will be the end of us as they will fly a suicide bomber into the heart of our deathstar and blow us up and it will suck but make a killing at the box office.

  10. Great! The next step is too.. by MongooseCN · · Score: 3, Funny

    Research plasma cannons. I wonder if Saddam is hiding some Elerium 115 with his weapons of mass destruction.

  11. Fast forward to the future... by wazzzup · · Score: 5, Funny

    I see my grandson reading Slashdot and he clicks on a post titled "Contractor Proposes Death Star for US Military" from the that's-no-moon dept.

    He's reading it....he clicks to enter a post...he posts a link to goatse. Damn. My grandson is a troll.

  12. Apparently you're not a redneck. by BoomerSooner · · Score: 4, Funny

    However, here in Oklahoma Guns and Toys are synonymous. In fact why else would you need shooting ranges, hunting licenses, ... Hunting is a sport, sports are games, guns are used in hunting, therefore guns are toys (albeit dangerous ones).

  13. Totally off topic... John Cleese by TheLastUser · · Score: 4, Funny

    Axis of Evil Wannabees
    by John Cleese

    Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya,
    China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as
    Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North
    Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

    Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as
    having, for starters, a really dumb name. Right. They are just as
    evil...in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il.
    "Everybody knows we're the best evils . . best at being evil . .we're the
    best."

    Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded,
    although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.
    "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An
    axis can't have more than three countries", explained Iraqi President
    Saddam Hussien.

    "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had
    Germany,Italy and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and
    a secret hand shake. Ours is wickedly cool."

    International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as
    within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations
    rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of
    geopolitical chairs.

    Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of
    Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the
    "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia
    established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally
    Disagreeable".

    With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling
    up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of
    Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the
    Olympics".

    Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually
    Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while
    Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That
    Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just something
    we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

    While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making
    fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he
    rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in
    'Guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false application.
    Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

    Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately
    world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

  14. Re:Actually... by Anonymous+Brave+Guy · · Score: 4, Funny
    So what do you suggest? Uninventing it? Destroying anything that could lead to its re-discovery? Kill anyone smart enough to think of something similar?

    Sure, why not? We're talking 15-25 years away, right? It worked for John Connor... and they'll have discovered lasers that fire slowly enough to look good in a movie by then, too.

    --
    If you disagree, post your argument. (-1, Overrated) isn't your personal censorship tool for views you don't like.
  15. It's a chemical laser, not electric by morcheeba · · Score: 4, Funny

    Seriously, what part of gasdynamic LWS providing LFLAN capability with a Polonium-210 thermal source pumping an STC-catalitic-converter-stabalized CONHe lasing cavity through a supersonic aerospike expansion region following a constricting annulus do you not understand? ;)

  16. Re:Actually... by bozojoe · · Score: 3, Funny

    So what do you suggest? Uninventing it?
    Lets go back in time and un-invent the rubber ducky. That way everyone will grow up angry and mean.

    --
    lick the cancle button (at least thats what our Chinese QA says)