Review of T3: Rise of the Machines

The Terminator movie series offers explosions and cyborgs galore, but you knew that already. Guns too, and cool special effects involving R-rated nude people in electrified spheres, but you probably guessed that too. So you've seen the trailer and are wondering whether "T3: Rise of the Machines" is worth seeing. Short answer: eh, whatever, it's big and dumb. For the long answer, keep reading. (No real spoilers.)

Let me first draw your attention to CNN's review. The CNN reviewer tells you this "darker and slicker" sequel is "worth the wait," gives you the long-form plot setup, shows you the sexy look of the "babe-a-licious" babe, and promises you "emotional weight" with "wit" and a "stunning and thought-provoking" climax. What he doesn't mention is that CNN and the movie's producer/distributor are both owned by AOL Time Warner.

It's been ten years since I watched the first Terminator and maybe I'm remembering it better than it was. But it had an emotional depth, a heart that neither of its sequels matched. T3 is slicker, yes, but darker!? It's light fluff. The nightmare of nuclear destruction in the original was rendered without CG effects, but I'll remember the skeleton clutching the chain-link fence long after I've forgotten this week's pixel-perfect explosions. And the "storm is coming" ending of the original was genuinely thought-provoking, with a chilling resolve that just embarrasses this week's Hollywood ending. Claire Danes is no Linda Hamilton.

The effects are what you'd expect from a modern zillion-dollar action movie, but not groundbreaking the way that T2's were at the time.

I found nothing about it witty. I chuckled through the chase scenes -- it's mostly chase scenes -- because they were so over-the-top and the plot holes were so glaring. Apart from that, there was only one funny line. (I assume everyone else is as bored as I am with the "dry cool wit like that" dialogue.)

Best unintentionally funny line: "I've got enough C-4 to blow up ten supercomputers!"

Best unintentionally funny visual: tie between fumble for the car keys, and offscreen killing sprays blood across photo.

Dumbest joke: gratuitous mocking of effeminate guy.

Best absurd effect: missile blows apart the wall in a small office ten feet from our heroes, they avoid injury by diving to floor. Duck and cover!

Best plot hole: Terminatrix's chronic failure to remember that she can run fast.

Heavy on the exposition, light on brains and heart, forgettable. See it if you really jones for big trucks smashing stuff. If you just have to see a movie, see "28 Days Later" instead. Rated R, not recommended for anyone whose mental age matches their valid ID.

Comments

Re:Ruined

[sexmachine1066]

Anon Coward must be a female. :)

sounds crap

[Anonymous Coward]

I remember the piss-my-pants excitement of going to see T2 in the cinema. I remember thinking "The ONLY thing that could be better that this would be a new 'Star Wars' movie."

Be very careful what you wish for kids, it may come true.

My favorite lines from the movie

[Anonymous Coward]

Director: Up and at them.
Arnold: Up and atom.

Director: Up and at them.
Arnold: Up and Adam.

Director: Up and at them.
Arnold: Up and atom.

some sequel ideas

[Scholasticus]

T4: The Terminator Returns Again
T5: The Terminator & Robin
T6: The Terminator vs. Mothra
T7: The Attack of the Clone Robots
T8: Abbott & Costello & The Terminator Go To Mars
T9: Terminator Resurrection
T10: Star Trek: Nemesis
T11: The Terminator Has A Fistfull of Dollars
T12: The Terminator Goes To The Grand Canyon With The Brady Bunch

Re:some sequel ideas

[cheekyboy]

T69: terminator does dallas

Re:It was T2

[shking]

Then she wakes up... and decides to go assassinate a poor defenceless geek...

That's perfectly rational IMHO. Defenseless geeks are much easier to assassinate than geeks who can fight back

Re:Terminatrix was surpisingly cool

[sammy baby]

She often has this weird half-smile on her face, and her head is tilted down with determination. She reminded me of Haley Joel Osment from AI in some ways.

Mark it down: this is the first time I've ever heard anyone use "like AI in some ways" as a reason to go see a movie.

Re:It was T2

[GigsVT]

Then she wakes up... and decides to go assassinate a poor defenceless geek who just happens to be involved in the future creation of skynet.

Too bad no one had a permonition in 1970 to go assassinate a certain geek that was about to ruin the tech industry.

Re:It was T2

[Anonymous Coward]

I did. Trust me, the other guy was going to be much worse than this Bill Gates character.

Re:There is no continuity needed.

[AKnightCowboy]

T3: There is no new CPU, but, there is near infinite computing power in the Internet. Skynet is born.

If the Internet is Skynet then I guess that explains why it only sends naked Terminators back in time. Most of what it knows about humans involve being naked.

There's almost ALWAYS a way to make a sequel.

[Anonymous Coward]

The way T3 ends, if they ever make T4 they won't have much choice except doing exactly that...

I think you need to watch "Escape from the Planet of the Apes."

T4 could easily take place in an undestroyed world, but I suppose they'd have to send Arnie back to the mid-60's and have him start killing everyone even remotely connected with the development of the Internet. Or.. wait!


[EVENING. The TERMINATOR walks up to a LANKY KID in Harvard Square, in 1975]

TERMINATOR: "Are you William Gates the Third?"

LANKY KID [nervous]: "Uh... yes. Who are you?"

[The TERMINATOR thrusts his right arm out quickly. TERMINATOR'S hand enters LANKY KID'S chest and emerges a second later holding LANKY KID'S heart. LANKY KID drops to the ground, dead.]

[Cut to BEDROOM in FINLAND. Camera pans to SLEEPING BOY (AGE 6) who, apparently dreaming, smiles and giggles in his sleep. Camera pans to DESK, where we see SCHOOLWORK with the name "LINUS" written on it in crayon. It appears to be a DRAWING of a PENGUIN.]