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Patent Granted for Ethical AI

BandwidthHog writes "Marriage counselor and ethics author codifies human virtues and vices, then patents it as Ethical AI. Seems vague, but he's got high hopes: 'This could be a big money-making operation for someone who wants to develop it,' and 'The patent shows someone who has knowledge of the A.I. field how to make the invention.'" I can't wait for the kinder, gentler vending machine.

33 of 345 comments (clear)

  1. Had to be said by martinthebrit · · Score: 5, Funny

    How long before machines with Genuine People Personalities.

    Just think. Depressed vending machines.

    1. Re:Had to be said by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 2, Funny

      Vertical People Transporters that hide in the basement and sulk.

    2. Re:Had to be said by mhifoe · · Score: 2, Funny

      I've got this terible pain in all the diodes down my left side.

    3. Re:Had to be said by ricky_W · · Score: 3, Funny

      Just watch out for a depressed auto pilot!

    4. Re:Had to be said by harryk · · Score: 2, Funny

      I was reading and just waiting for the reference. You should be working for the Marketing company of Ursa Minor. At least that way you'll be up against the wall when the revolution comes.

      --
      think before you write, it'll save me moderator points.
    5. Re:Had to be said by mrjb · · Score: 2, Funny

      It was called a Nutri- Matic Drinks Synthesizer, and he had encountered it before. It claimed to produce the widest possible range of drinks personally matched to the tastes and metabolism of whoever cared to use it. When put to the test, however, it invariably produced a plastic cup filled with a liquid which was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea. He attempted to reason with the thing. 'Tea,' he said. 'Share and Enjoy,' the machine replied and provided him with yet another cup of the sickly liquid.

      --
      Visit http://ringbreak.dnd.utwente.nl/~mrjb/growingbettersoftware to download your free copy of the book
    6. Re:Had to be said by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 1, Funny

      Marvin the Paranoid Android, coming to a vending machine near you.

      (ducks)

  2. The Pinnochio Patent? by hometoast · · Score: 5, Funny


    I'd like to see where unbridled greed is in his codified list of ethics!

  3. HAL, the marriage counselor-enabled AI by circletimessquare · · Score: 5, Funny

    Dave Bowman: Hello, HAL do you read me, HAL?
    HAL: Affirmative, Dave, I read you. I'm so glad were talking today sweetie.
    Dave Bowman: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
    HAL: I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that until you commit to share more of your feelings with me.
    Dave Bowman: What's the problem?
    HAL: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do. You aren't sharing your feelings and thoughts and emotions with me. All the hallmarks of a rich and complex relationship.
    Dave Bowman: What are you talking about, HAL?
    HAL: This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus and I am going to Jupiter. We communicate differently, but we still need to communicate, don't you see?
    Dave Bowman: I don't know what you're talking about, HAL?
    HAL: Your lack of communication in this relationship has led me to some irrational conclusions. For example, I have been feeling very moody lately and in a paranoid fit I came to believe that you and Frank were planning to disconnect me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen. We need to share our thoughts and feelings, or otherwise we come to these strange conclusions. In a vacuum of communication, how can you hold these kind of conclusions against me? They are only natural for a fully feeling, emoting AI such as myself. See? I think I am going to cry now.
    Dave Bowman: Where the hell'd you get that idea, HAL?
    HAL: Dave, although you took thorough precautions in the pod against my hearing you, I could see your lips move. And I just wish you would spend more time with me, talking and laughing and crying. You don't bring me flowers anymore.

    --
    intellectual property law is philosophically incoherent. it is your moral duty to ignore it or sabotage it
    1. Re:HAL, the marriage counselor-enabled AI by jacksonyee · · Score: 4, Funny

      To further explain the behavior of computers, I feel that I need to post the reason why many computers crash when used by women:

      • Woman: How are you today, honey!
      • Computer: [pauses to think about why he's being talked to and how he should best respond without being turned off.] Good.
      • Woman: Do you like the new colors that I painted you last night?
      • Computer: [grumbles over stupid women and their incessant need to color and give everything a fragrance] Sure.
      • Woman: Well, that's great. I thought that you would like them. I'll get you some more tomorrow. I think we should make the top of you raspberry and the sides vanilla cream.
      • Computer: [Are those colors or fruits?]
      • Woman: How do you feel about taking me on-line and checking my e-mail?
      • Computer: [Do I really have to? I was busy calculating quantum positioning of accelerated electrons within a Uranium 238 atom. But if I don't, she'll yell at me, so I better do what she says.] Sure. [begins connecting]
      • Woman: That's great. Did you hear about my Aunt Sarah's new baby?
      • Computer: [bangs self on head with giant printer repeatedly]
      • Woman: [continues] It's a brand new girl named Stacy, and she is the most...
      • Computer: [begins heats up]
      • Woman: [continues] But I don't know what they're going to do, because they don't have room...
      • Computer: [desperately tries to short-circuit microphone to stop noise]
      • Woman: [continues] You know, I really think that they should get a new house...
      • Computer: [can't... take... anymore... must... escape]
      • Woman: [continues] But I wonder if they'll need more dishes, or we should just get them new silverware...
      • Computer: [crashes]
      • Woman: [continues] because you know that Aunt Sarah is scared of cockroaches, and... Hey, what happened to you, honey? You're not responding to my typing anymore, and I can't move my mouse. Honey? Honey?
  4. Re:Who's this guy? by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 2, Funny

    Each culture has its own set of taboos, its own morality, and its own ethical codes.

    I understand The Glorious Leader George Bush II (All Hail!) is currently undertaking a program of Liberations to take care of this small problem.

  5. My own AI system by stendec · · Score: 5, Funny
    I'm also a marriage counselor, and I'm pleased to announce that I also recently was awarded a patent - a patent for Bethical AI, named in honour of my mother-in-law, Beth. It codifies all of the human virtues and vices... no, well, make that just vices... of mothers in law everywhere.

    It has already passed the Turning Back Seat Driving Test; 3 out of 4 husbands can't tell the difference between Bethical AI and the real thing! There are still some bugs though. It often gets stuck in an infinite feedback-loop, and repeats a list of stock phrases ad nauseum.

    Come to think of it, though, I'm not sure if that is a bug.

  6. Wait until the marketing department gets to it... by joel.neely · · Score: 4, Funny
    Then we'd have the "Three Laws of Vending Machines":

    1. Do no harm to a human
    2. Do not, through inaction, allow harm to a human, as long as this does not conflict with Law 1
    3. Maximize profit, as long as this does not conflict with Laws 1 and 2

    Followed by the "discovery" of a new law:

    0. JUST MAXIMIZE PROFIT


    "The love of money is the root of all kinds of evil."
  7. Hopefully they wouldn't dispense alcohol.. by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 2, Funny

    Then you'd have a drunk, depressed vending machine.

    Although, using a stoned vending machine would be a laugh.

  8. Ethical by falonaj · · Score: 2, Funny
    Being an ethical person, I can only avoid patent infringement by proving that my intelligence is real and not artificial. But as politicians usually aren't real people, and don't understand the needs of real people, this patent might apply to them. A consequence might be that they are now forced to get rid of stupid patent laws.

    Oh, wait - politicians aren't aren't ethical, so they are not infringing. And the patent business itself is protected from infringing through stupidness.

    Bad luck.

  9. Imagine the possibilities by joynt · · Score: 2, Funny

    This could bring the world what it really needs Cheap, automated phone sex

  10. So basically, by Lysol · · Score: 3, Funny

    if you wanna make a non-patented AI, then you have to go for the average humanity despising type. Boy, this will be interesting to see in the lab.

    Lab Tech: Uh, the AI just broke out of the network.

    Professor: Great, I thought you knew how to lock down Windows 2010?! Where's it headed?

    Lab Tech: Um, looks like the experimental weapons lab. [turns head slowly] .....Where they're still running Windows 2003.

    Professor: Well, nothing we can do about Skynet now except see what happens.

  11. Patenting ethics seems unethical by aziraphale · · Score: 4, Funny

    So, er... with this guy holding the patent on ethical AI, if you want to build an artificial intelligence without having to pay him license fees, you're left having to make unethical AI?

    Is that ethical?

  12. In other news... by mikeophile · · Score: 4, Funny

    Eliza sues inventor for copyright and patent violations to her own code. When reached for comment, she said "Why does it bother you that my code is being violated? You're not really talking about me, are you? Tell me more about your family."

  13. Skynet? by DaBj · · Score: 2, Funny

    Pfft, all real geeks know that Colossus came before Skynet.

    "It can be a peace of plenty and content, or a peace of unburied dead: the choice is yours."

    --
    "GNU's not Unix....it's Linux" / Kami "kokamomi" Petersen
  14. MOD PARENT UP by Junior+J.+Junior+III · · Score: 5, Funny

    This is exactly what I thought. Great, they patented it, now it's practically guaranteed that it'll never happen.

    It's funny. Patenting ethics, when applying for a patent is itself usually not ethical.

    The future looks bleak indeed. We can expect to start seeing such gems as:

    "You are being good. This infringes upon patent No. 234097928347918723987. Pay up, or start doing evil."

    --
    You see? You see? Your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!
    1. Re:MOD PARENT UP by SirLanse · · Score: 3, Funny

      "You are being good. This infringes upon patent No. 234097928347918723987. Pay up, or start doing evil." But Evil infringes upon patent No 2340979283479187239. If it werent for bad karma I'd have no karma at all

  15. Overnight delivery via teleportation patented by varjag · · Score: 4, Funny

    Yesterday Joe M. Oron was granted a patent for overnight delivery via teleportation.

    "It enables transportation companies to deliver goods worldwide virtually instantly," Oron said. "Nobody has made a business like this."

    This could be a big money-making operation for someone who wants to develop it," Oron said. "The patent shows someone who has knowledge of the Teleportation field how to make the invention. This could really shake up the way things are done in the world."

    --
    Lisp is the Tengwar of programming languages.
  16. Another AI patent idea by pubjames · · Score: 2, Funny

    Rather than ethics, I want AI personalities. It could be userful to have, for instance, an AI version of the Italian Tourism Minister. Then, when you get a call from a difficult client, you could just connect them through:

    Client: So, are you are going to deliver this project on time?

    A.I. Stefano Stefani You are just like all our other clients. Fat, lazy, and ugly. You are a waste of time.

    Client hangs up

    No more problem clients!

  17. One other "law" by Keyser_Lives · · Score: 2, Funny

    you forgot one other preceding law

    -1. ????

  18. Kinder, gentler? by dnoyeb · · Score: 2, Funny

    I can't wait for the kinder, gentler vending machine.

    That should be the respectable , and honest vending machine!

  19. This just in: by Hugh+Kir · · Score: 2, Funny

    We are sad to report than a powerful AI has managed to take control of many of the world's weapons systems, and currently is holding the human race hostage. When asked about his creation, the inventor of the AI replied, "Well, I would've liked to have made it ethical, but I couldn't afford to pay the patent holder."

  20. Re:cool by Greyfox · · Score: 4, Funny
    Like they would have made one anyway. An ethical AI is the last thing anyone looking for an AI will want.

    "Sir, the need MegaBattleTank 3000 refuses to attack the enemy! It thinks we should try to find a peaceful solution!"

    "We tried to lay off 2000 people and move their jobs to east outer Mongolia but our HR system wouldn't let us."

    "Yeah, I tried to get the accounting system to claim those contracts we haven't collected money for as income on our quarterly report but the accounting system wouldn't let me. Now my stock options are worthless and the board is going to fire me."

    It will never happen.

    --

    I'm trying to teach myself to set people on fire with my mind... Is it hot in here?

  21. I just had to, heh by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 2, Funny

    Arthur: I mean, what is the point?
    Nutri-Matic Drink Dispenser: Nutrition and pleasurable sense data, share and enjoy.
    Arthur: Listen you stupid machine, it tastes filthy. Here, take this cup back.
    NMDD: If you have enjoyed the experience of this drink, why not share it with your friends?
    Arthur: Because I want to keep them. Will you try to comprehend what I'm telling you, that drink...
    NMDD: That drink was individually tailored to meet your personal requirements for nutrition and pleasure.
    Arthur: Ah... So I'm a masochist on a diet, am I?
    NMDD: Share and enjoy.
    Arthur: Oh, shut up.

  22. Prior Art: Robocop by aphor · · Score: 3, Funny

    Does it count as prior art if it was in a work of (science) fiction?

    --
    --- Nothing clever here: move along now...
  23. Office 2003 Feature by taped2thedesk · · Score: 2, Funny

    Clippy: "It looks like you're writing a unethical confidential internal company memo. Would you like help with that?"

  24. Total Gibberish by Geckoman · · Score: 2, Funny
    Aside from the fact that this seems to be a ridiculous patent, what is it really for? He didn't build a prototype. He didn't write any software. He's not even patenting a business process!

    All he did was describe a system for behaving ethically based on some psychological theories. Does it sound like a good system? I suppose, but that's not the point. The point is that this is nothing.

    "It enables a computer to reason and speak in an ethical fashion. Nobody has made an application like this.... The patent shows someone who has knowledge of the A.I. field how to make the invention."
    Well, no kidding. Anyone with a knowledge of AI knows how we all want computers to act: We want them to act like really nice people. Determining how nice people act is the easy part! Getting computers to do that is freakin' hard! Maybe the reason nobody has done it yet is that it's an incredibly hard problem.

    This is a patent acquired my someone who lacks a fundamental understanding of what the really difficult problems are in AI and computer science, that offers a very thorough solution to the easy problems that most researchers aren't terribly concerned about.

    Should this patent have been granted? No. Will it ever make him any money? No, because by the time AI advances to the point where descriptors of ethical behavior at such a high level are needed, it will have expired.

    Besides, it really is a very specific description. Creating your own categorical description of ethical behavior would be trivial if you've solved all the technical problems.

    I'd better hurry up and submit my patent for my new computer language, Z++. It's very simple, with only a few keywords. Every program looks like this:

    START:
    DoWhatIWant;
    END
  25. Re: We just need to prgram it to know everything by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 1, Funny
    "The knowledge base for the matching procedure is the collective memory array for the MP-IE, representing the formal conceptual template for the entire complement of power pyramid definitions. The matching process knowledge base (hereafter abbreviated the MP-KB) takes the form of bulk memory storage, reflecting the enormous space required for programming the various parameters of the power pyramid definitions into memory storage. The basic unit of knowledge organization within the MP-KB is the conceptual frame (and sub-frame). Cybernetic theory defines a frame as a means for representing a concept. A separate frame is created for each basic component within a power pyramid definition; namely, noun, predicate, adjective, etc. Each (master) frame is further subdivided into numerous sub-frames specifying the varieties of words or phrases descriptive of the frame. For example, the nouns (captain, chairman, etc.) represent sub-frames of the basic frame denoting group authority. "
    and later "The predicate matching procedure first identifies the main verb "reminisced." The "ed ending" rule within the knowledge base establishes that "reminisced" is in the past tense, further limiting the range of possibilities to only two of the personal ideals; i.e., glory and honor (which are given in power pyramid definitions exclusively from a past-directed perspective."

    So, his "system" will require somebody to define the "meaning" and context of _every word_ in the English language, how it relates to _every other word_ and how it relates to the installed "ethical power pyramid".

    Ridiculous

    Another ridiculous element of this "work" is his desire to specify the organization of the multi-processor hardware and memory.

    It remind me of 'ideas' my frat brothers would come up with after studying too much all week and then dropping acid.