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70,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Stars Out There
ChopsMIDI writes "Ever wanted to wish upon a star? Well, you have 70,000 million million million to choose from. That's the total number of stars in the known universe, according to a study by Australian astronomers. It's also about 10 times as many stars as grains of sand on all the world's beaches and deserts."
I was sitting there pondering if I should fart. My ass was percolating something fierce. It was a shit earlier. I thought i cleared my colon. I was thinking, the percolating bubbling brown paint like mixture with bergs of snickers - was it all out?
I ripped a few sets of ass without event. The farts came off as a sour rhubarb and garbage smell; quite relieving.
Then the mother of all farts came. This was promising to end my ass cheek shifting and squirming to expulse the trapped air in my seat cushion.
I ripped ass, and instead, I got a brownie batter mud pie in my ass made of feculent slime. Oh fuck, It stinks so bad. Now, as I sit here I am stuffing Kleenex in my ass through my fly and the barn door on my underwear. If I can get enough of those in there I might have a chance to congeal this liquidy mess into a brown potato of feces and Kleenex.
Fuck, I just ran out of Kleenex and poop is on my fingers and now as I'm typing smearing on the keyboard. Fuck. This shit smells so bad. I just took my nice champion socks off and put them in there in hopes of arresting further doo doo river flow.
Welp. After about 8-10 minutes and two rolls of TP I'm back. I grabbed a can of Lysol and some anti bacterial soap and am spraying off my area and replacing the chair. I lost my keyboard in action; listed as KIA, by action of the South Colon Regular Army.
Oh fuck, that was a percolating brown festering quagmire of swampy, rhubarby smelly caramelized shit.
The Internet Fart Chair is a chair with a cushion composed of a porous material, and it generally belongs to an internet enthusiast. When the Internet buff is too engrossed in web surfing, he often cannot bother to lift his butt out of the chair, and his farts become trapped in the porous cushion. Anyone who sits in an Internet Fart Chair can smell the farts of the owner as the pressure releases the entombed gasses. Worse than that, however, the Fart Chair releases gasses in a slow process as well, leaving a slight smell of farts in the air for many days after the last fart has been forced into the foam.
But why worry about Fart Chair? Once the user gets accustomed to the smell of his own farts, the aroma can become quite pleasurable and even evoke a sense of pride and accomplishment. The answer is quite simple. Internet enthusiasts -- let's be frank -- will often need as much on their side as possible if they are to ever have success with the opposite sex. One of the best ways to improve your chances of closing a deal with a fair maiden is to eliminate Fart Chair, or, better yet, make sure you never get Fart Chair in the first place. After all, when you first get her back to your hovel, the first thing she will notice is the smell of your Fart Chair. You might think this is no problem, but remember: If this is your crucial first time having her over, SHE HAS NOT HAD TIME TO ADJUST TO YOUR FARTS YET!
The best way to make sure Fart Chair never happens is to use a chair with a plastic, vinyl, or wooden seat. The only way to contaminate these is to sit in them naked and fart when you have an intestinal virus. Even then, a quick swipe with some windex and a rag should eliminate the smell and solids easily. But what if you like to have a soft cushion covered with comforting cloth material under you? How can you avoid Fart Chair? You will not get Fart Chair if you simply follow this simple instruction: LIFT YOUR BUTT OUT OF THE CHAIR BEFORE FARTING AND LEAVE IT ALOFT FOR 30 SECONDS. This can be remembered by memorizing the simple phrase, "LIFT, BREAK, AND WAIT." There are some obvious obstacles to carrying out this plan, not the least of which is that if you eat a lot of fart-producing foods, you will get tired of lifting, holding, then sitting down again. Consider eating less gasseous foods.
You're doing great! I'm proud of your progress. But what if you already have Internet Fart Chair? You have probably already tried bouncing on it, beating it, sweeping it, but nothing worked. Internet Fart Chair can be a daunting enemy. There is one way, however, to beat Fart Chair decisively. Use a vacuum cleaner with the hose attached, but with no attachment on the end. Press the hose end repeatedly into the cushion, compressing the porous material, and repeat over the entire surface of the cushion. The farts will be quickly and efficiently sucked from the cushion! No more embarassing rejection by the girl of your dreams! You will have plenty of time to get her used to the smell of your farts later, but for now, it is best to stay on the safe side. Happy surfing!
Im sure out of 70,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 stars SCO will claim 80 of them and then try to claim the rights to the universe or better yet, charge us for being on their property.