Slashdot Mirror
Dave Barry Strikes Back Against Telemarketers
ikkonoishi writes "The Miami humor columnist Dave Barry in his column
here encouraged his readers to exercise their constitutional rights to call a telemarketing firm which had declared the National Do Not Call List unconstitutional. Well it seems to have worked." Needless to say, the targets of the prank were none so keen on being called themselves.
that is a great idea. we'll call it slashdot.
grinning, ducking and running...
PRESS RELEASE - FOR IMMEDIATE DISTRIBUTION
Due to the outstandingly positive response to recent media events, the American Teleworking Association has taken steps to protect its constitutional right to protection from unsolicited calls by registering with the National Do Not Call List.
"We were shocked by the intrusiveness of these unsolicited calls", commented Tim Searcy, ATA Executive Director. "None of us could get any work done! Our heartfelt thanks to the Federal Government for their foresight in creating such a resource to protect people like us!"
Returning to work today, ATA employees are looking forward to a day of uninterrupted work now that they are protected from such intrusive unsolicated calls.
But in a guy sort of way.... and "The National Do Not Call List" sounds like a great name for a Rock & Roll Band.
Too lazy to create a sig...
Not to be left out should be the fact that you should call the telemarketers and talk like a pirate next Friday as Mr. Barry suggests!
http://www.talklikeapirate.com/
If the numbers that the telemarketing industry is throwing about are even half right, this could end our current economic recovery. Telemarketers alledge that they create several billion dollars in sales every year, several billion dollars that will go up in smoke in October. That plus a huge boost in unemployed (and otherwise unemployable) persons is a very bad thing. Be careful what you wish for.
Why not do like I do ... when a telesales person calls you just put the phone on speaker with volume down and put the handset down ... they can talk as much as they like, to themselves. The call is costing them money, not you. Its actually more enjoyable to leave the volume up a little, and you can hear them as they realise that you aren't listening :-)
So, for every time a telemarketer calls, we are "allowed" to call back once. Publishing this phone number just allows us to extract this punishment.
:-)
Following your "logic", if telemarketers make 30 million calls a day (to individual people), they should expect to receive 30 million return calls. I think that should be sufficient to overwhelm their phonelines
demon
-----
Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
"It's difficult not to see some malice in Mr. Barry's intent," said Tim Searcy, executive director of the ATA, who said the added calls will be costly to his group because of toll charges and staffing issues.
Domain Name: ATACONNECT.ORG
Administrative Contact, Technical Contact:
Fanger, Robert (DUMHRQNOBI) rfanger@fangercom.com
Fanger Communications
238 S. Meridian St.
Ste. 210
Indianapolis, IN 46225
US
317-636-7635
Searcy, Tim
8645 Admirals Woods Dr
INDIANAPOLIS, IN 46236
317-823-8462
Call the Chairman of the ATA at home!!!!!!!
Chairman:
Thomas Rocca, (770) 429-1956, 3840 Jiles Rd NW, Kennesaw, GA 30144
(provided by Google)
That's why I love to keep telemarketers on the line as long as possible. I know I'm never going to buy whatever crap they're peddling. Even if they do come across with something that sounds interesting (hasn't happened yet), I plan on finding out exactly what company is selling so that I can look for a similar service among their competitors.
:)
The trick to keeping them on the line for upwards of a half hour is to sound like you're interested, but have certain specific objections that need to be overcome first. If somebody calls offering a two week cruise, you object that you don't have that much vacation time. When she quote the price, you tell her you're a little short right now.
As things go along, get more and more absurd. When she describes white, sandy beaches, tell the caller that you're allergic to saltwater. When she tells you that one of their destinations is the Bahamas, ask for her assurance that you won't run into any "foreigners" down there. Ask if they'll let you take your golden retreiver, and then describe Sparky's bladder control problems in lengthy detail. Just keep making up weird crap, until it becomes obvious that the telemarketer desperately wants the phone call to end.
Finally, explain that you'll have to make some plans, and consult both your wife and your mistress. Ask for a callback number. Then politely let her go. Even better, ask them to call you back in a week.
Hey, I'm a frequent Slashdot poster, so it's not like I have anything better to do.
You want the truthiness? You can't handle the truthiness!
What does it mean to have 2 million telemarketers out of work? Well, if those 2 million people are not putting in their 40 hours a week, then they won't be taking up a total of 40 hours of time each week from a few hundred other people. Imagine what might happen with 80,000,000 more hours of time become available to other people at work, at home, and at the dinner table. Imagine the increased productivity happening at work. Imagine the opportunity to get the home and garden chores done. Imagine being able to actually talk and bond with your family at dinner time. Oh the horror!
now we need to go OSS in diesel cars
you can hear them as they realise that you aren't listening
Uh...but then wouldn't you be, well, listening?
--RJ
"when a telesales person calls you just put the phone on speaker with volume down and put the handset down ... they can talk as much as they like, to themselves."
To extend the fun, you should try the magical phrase before putting the phone down:
"Jester? Yes, I'll just get him for you..."
Telemarketers alledge that they create several billion dollars in sales every year, several billion dollars that will go up in smoke in October.
Yeah, and the Russians said that they had several thousand nukes pointed at the US in the Cold War, well, technically they did.
Many, many, many of the silos had water in them up to the missile in the bottom, thus, when launching, would have killed all of the people launching them and left a missile with a nuke on top in burning in a hole in the ground and thirty minutes of rocket fuel burning there with it.
Lighting those suckers would have caused ecological disaster for the USSR.
The lesson here?
Never, ever, ever, trust the information given to you by your enemies. Do you expect North Korea to tell you the truth when threatening you? Expect enemy information to be overinflated. Or downright bogus.
And take this example: The President visits China. Because his Sprint PCS phone isn't going to work on China's cellphone network, he takes the precaution of forwarding his Whitehouse number to that of the Chinese President. All of a sudden, before he gets a chance to call the Premier, Capital One calls trying to sell the Chinese Pres. a credit card. All he hears is an American voice speaking gibberish who'll not shut up, and assumes, from the accent, that it's Dubya and he's being made fun of. Instant World War III.
That's why we MUST have a Do-Not-Call list and vigorously enforce the restrictions on calling cellphones.
You are not alone. This is not normal. None of this is normal.
Once, I kept a lady on the phone for like an hour, talking about magazines. I was gonna order the whole lot. Then she says, "Okay, I need your credit card to continue." I calmly reply, "Credit Card? Oh no no no. That's how they get ya. I keep all my money in a box under my bed."
Unfortunately, she doesn't take cash.
Another time, I actually read off the numbers to the credit card, but accidentally turned up SLAYER on the stereo for the last 6 digits. Oops.
Hey freaks: now you're ju
Guys, telemarketing can be a lot of fun if you add some positive atmosphere to it. Just think of it, since the chances of meeting your friend on the other end of the line are pretty slim, you can get away with almost anything: dirty jokes, humiliation, etc. Whenever a telemarketer calls me, especially if the person has a thick foreign (Indian, most of the time) accent, I have fun. Here is how to do it:
:)
a. Pretend to be somebody else, like an old person with a hearing problem or a recent immigrant who speaks poor English. Make the telemarketer re-read the offer and ask stupid questions: start with product related stuff and then move onto personal issues. For example, in the middle of conversation say "Wow, you know, you have a really sexy voice!" Works like a charm
b. If you have roommates, set up a plot. I remember when my roommate pretended to be an abusive husband and I played a role of a wife for unwanted calls. Whenever a telemarketer called us, we would be 'in the middle of a physical conflict.' "The husband" would swear at his wife and beat her (just slap your naked leg for the sound effect); the wife on the other turn would say things like "Stop beating me! I've had enough already" and then she would continue to talk about her personal problems to the telemarketer in between the beatings. Basically, use your imagination; most of the time the other party will hang up.
c. Put them on hold. This is by far the easiest one, unless you're expecting some other call. When you receive an unwanted call, tell them that you're in the middle of something that you must finish asap; therefore, offer them to stay on the line for a minute or so. Then go read a newspaper, drink a cup of tea. This may sound stupid, but this brings positive results: you keep telemarketers from calling other people through your personal sacrifice.
There is more stuff and it usually depends on who is calling and when. Sometimes when I have a bad day, I find telemarketers to be my stress relievers: I bitch and swear at them for several minutes. After hanging up I start feeling better right away.
Toll-free calls cost the recipient money. Every time that anwering machine picks up, its money down the tubes.
Don't forget to return (empty or containing a nice message to the poor guy that is paid to process the replies) all prepaid business reply envelopes that get sent to you in junk mail.
your gravity fails and negativity don't pull you through
For sure. Replying keeps the Postal Services busy.
If you have two reply envelopes, swap the contents or include some local flyers maybe along with a nice note - "Here, have some of mine".
Once I was a four stone apology. Now I am two separate gorillas.
"Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. So use it and send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay. Eternal happiness is just a dollar away."
Which, after a court order, will be changed to:
"Hello, this is Homer Simpson, AKA Happy Dude. The court has ordered me to call every person in town to apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to: Sad Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power." -Homer
I got a call from a TM one time. They started into their rubbish so I set the phone down and walked away without a word. I came back about 5 or 6 minutes later to hang it up and realized they were just wrapping up the speil, so I listened to the last 10 seconds or so.
At the end, she said "So, which credit card can I put that on" to which I immediately replied:
"Put what on?"
SHE hung up on ME!
There's also the Discover card guy who said to me "You currently have an introductory APR of 0% on balance transfers. Do you have any cards that have better than 0% APR?" to which I calmly replied "Yes."
Boy did that screw up his pitch.
Alito: A vote for Alito is a punch in the eye to put that bitch back in her place!
> Besides, haven't you always wanted to know what that telemarketer type person on the other end of the line looks like?
Broken nose with leaflets shoved up his ass if he comes near my house...
I mod down anyone who says "I will be modded down for this", regardless of the rest of their comment
They're here in Indy? Looks like someone's about to get some "unsolicited" pizza. How about 10 large pepperoni?
I have a few. They are used for :
Identifying who is old (remembers using them) and who is young.
Identifying who is really old (can identify connection speed by listening to it connect.)
Holding down papers in a stack.
Keeping books on the shelf from falling over.
The blinkenlights are pretty in a dark room.
Soliciting complaints from a spouse who thinks they need to be thrown away.
Cursing new PC manufacturers for not putting serial ports on new computers.
and less commonly : connecting to another computer at an unGodly slow speed, making it faster to travel across country by Greyhound bus to pick up three DVD's worth of data than to actually transmit them across that data connection.
Glonoinha the MebiByte Slayer
The callee speaks very quietly, to try and get the telemarketer to raise the volume of their phone/earpiece. After a few seconds, the callee blows an air horn right into the phone, blasting the telemarketer.
Ever have that happen?
STOP MISUSING APOSTROPHES, YOU MORONS!!!
Great. Now they know what it is like to have to change their number after being harrased over the telephone.
Maybe now they have to tell all their friends to let it ring twice, hand up and call again or something like that.
When telemarketers call, I wait for the first pause and then tell them -- in a really bored voice like I'm reading from a script -- "I am obligated to inform you that because of this unsolicited call, your company will be listed on SLIMEYMARKETERS.COM . You have 30 days to appeal this decision or the listing will become final; see site for details."
If they ask for clarification, I simply repeat the "statement" (hoping I remember it exactly), and say that's all the information I'm required to give.
Very satisfying, particularly if I ask to speak to a manager -- sends them into a real frenzy about 30% of the time (especially when they can't find the site in order to appeal, since I always make sure it's bogus).
Cant say no?
:)
:)
Remember these words
"ooooh look at the time could you call me back later"
"when?"
"much later"
The WILL call back. There call cost for you has just doubled. Also more than likely you will get a different person next time. So just rinse and repeat. Im up to 5 with this one. Tommorow when they call back I will try for 6
I am VERY busy after all
and so has to alternately ask for a "Mr." followed by a "Mrs." to attempt to find the right person.
I'm not married, so there is no "Mrs." in the house, and my girlfriend, taking advantage of this fact,
chose to torture the telemaketer this way one day when I wasn't home:
Show me on the doll where his noodly appendage touched you.