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So, HP, What Exactly Are You Trying To Sell Us?
billtom writes "There's an article over at c|net news where the normally fawning technology business press actually takes an HP VP to task for the extremely vague statements that usually surround enterprise software 'products.' With some gems like 'That could be boilerplate applying to any company,' and 'But again, how does that differ from what's been around?' and 'But hasn't that always been the goal?'" I'd like to see Charles Cooper interview whoever came up with .Net, too.
They're selling plus signs, in fact they're selling a whole bunch of plus signs. They seem to sell them in groups. they can catch criminals and make a guy get home from the moon.
http://github.com/gbook/nidb
That said, check out this gem:
He should never have needed to ask that twice. HP's response was clear to anyone who's been struggling to cultivate dynamic convergence in their disintermediate, yet robust, technologies.
I work IT for one of the lower-end Fortune 500 companies (I won't mention any names, but we're the 2nd largest manufacturer of Internet-enabled personal sanitation devices in the U.S.), and we're seriously looking at HP's AE technology for our next round of upgrades. I am so tired of having to re-virtualize all our front-end functionalities every time the boss-man wants to streamline our synergistic e-services. Now, if I simply had a frictionless front-end action-item, right there in my real-time vortal (vertical portal) I'd be made.
Anyway, Slashdotters, don't believe this CNET FUD. I think AE definitely has the potential to recontextualize the debate on revolutionary mindshare schemas.
Reminds me of the classic joke:
Q: What's the difference between a used car salesman and a computer salesman?
A: The used car salesman KNOWS when he's lieing to you!
Q: Stripped of all the jargon and market-speak, can you succinctly define what Adaptive Enterprise is supposed to be about?
A: We proudly adapt to the needs of our enterprise: namely, the CEO, the CIO, and our board members. Screw the rest of the employees and the customers. Aside from that, we really have no idea what the heck we're talking about. We need to make up big words in long sententces to justify our existence in the company. This is the same mindset that allowed us to have fantastic ideas like merging with Compaq, laying off thousands of employees, while giving Capellas the goodbye gift that one can only dream about.
Q: That could be boilerplate applying to any company. What's the special sauce?
A: The special sauce is no different than what you find in Burger King. We sit around all day long whacking off in an effort to come up with this sh--.
Q: Can't you get that by going to any reputable company out there? Sun, IBM--that's what they're about. Am I missing something here?
A: Nope. They're all the same formula. Same sauce. Right down to the last drop.
Why do they let people like this run companies, or even speak? I mean christ, MS APIs are more well-understood than that buzzword soup.
CAn'T CompreHend SARcaSm?
A pirate ("Arr, we'll return on yer investment, matey, just hand over the doubloons...")
A Parrot ("Squawk! Polly wants leverage, polly wants synergies leveraged, squawk!"
A dog trainer ("Sit, marketing rep! Now, demonstrate CRM, demonstrate CR- SIT! bad rep! Shame on you!")
Mr. Hainey from Green Acres ( "I bet you'll be wantin' one o' these here market share segments, to go with that product, won'cha?")
Krusty the Clown ("Hey hey!! Now 'does not cause instant bankruptcy' in every box!")
Dr. Evil ("I'll give you ten minutes to amuse me. Begin your presentation....NOW.")
Personally, i think HP is counting on non-technical word of mouth and goodwill, which is why all these ads focus on things like preserving artwork and capturing criminals- if your other managers like the HP ads, they're more likely to approve HP-related spending... and think that it's worth it, even if they don't understand the product or the language describing it.
"I'd say 'Have a good time,' but arson is still illegal.
This looks like it came directly from the Dilbert mission statement generator.
I'm not sure if it "links business processes together", but it does get quite sticky if you dont clear it up prompty when it spills.
Recently at my company we tried to contact HP for more KVM cables for our KVM switch. This is an "older" HP product. Talk about a joke trying to get the product.
Upon contact support, the only number findable on the website I was transfered to parts and spoke with someone thier. After giving the part number to the lady, she said "I don't know if we still make that product." How can the company not know if they make something anything more. It took her almost a half-hour to try and find the product or the replacement product. I finally asked her if this was because of the merger between HP and Compaq. She said yes, that it is a nightmare in the parts department because no one knows when or if they cancel a product.
I don't understand how they can run a business when no one knows what is happening in the parts department
After reading that interview, I feel it's appropriate to quote Mr. T: "Ain't got TIME fo no JIBBA JABBA!"
Their Adaptive Enterprise technology is certainly impressive.