So, HP, What Exactly Are You Trying To Sell Us?

billtom writes "There's an article over at c|net news where the normally fawning technology business press actually takes an HP VP to task for the extremely vague statements that usually surround enterprise software 'products.' With some gems like 'That could be boilerplate applying to any company,' and 'But again, how does that differ from what's been around?' and 'But hasn't that always been the goal?'" I'd like to see Charles Cooper interview whoever came up with .Net, too.

Comments

What is CNET smoking?

[Fux the Penguin]

I know, here on Slashdot we frequently harangue CNET for their decidedly pro-business anti-linux slant, but I think they erred the other way here. Having read the article, it seems pretty clear to me, that the author simply wasn't competent enough in the field to conduct the interview. Seriously, would you send a wet-behind the ears English-lit major to interview a Nobel prize winning physicist for the cover story in the "Physics Home Journal?" I'm sorry, but if you can't tell me the correlation between the eigenvector of the (sparse) matrix describing the arrangement of crystal lattice structures in a semi-solid and the mass/energy waveform coefficients, you should be out covering donkey shows, not hard science! (BTW, the eigenvector is directly proportional to the waveform's beta coefficient).

That said, check out this gem:

Q: Stripped of all the jargon and market-speak, can you succinctly define what Adaptive Enterprise is supposed to be about?
A: I define AE as a business strategy for customers who want to respond in real time to changes affecting their business.
Q: That could be boilerplate applying to any company. What's the special sauce?
A:The secret sauce that HP brings is the ability to link business processes--which obviously are a manifestation of a company's strategy--to IT gear. The big breakthrough is when those two things are synchronized, so changes in the business environment can dynamically trigger the IT changes necessary to support that business change.

He should never have needed to ask that twice. HP's response was clear to anyone who's been struggling to cultivate dynamic convergence in their disintermediate, yet robust, technologies.

I work IT for one of the lower-end Fortune 500 companies (I won't mention any names, but we're the 2nd largest manufacturer of Internet-enabled personal sanitation devices in the U.S.), and we're seriously looking at HP's AE technology for our next round of upgrades. I am so tired of having to re-virtualize all our front-end functionalities every time the boss-man wants to streamline our synergistic e-services. Now, if I simply had a frictionless front-end action-item, right there in my real-time vortal (vertical portal) I'd be made.

Anyway, Slashdotters, don't believe this CNET FUD. I think AE definitely has the potential to recontextualize the debate on revolutionary mindshare schemas.

Re:Marketsp'aek

[pegr]

Reminds me of the classic joke:

Q: What's the difference between a used car salesman and a computer salesman?

A: The used car salesman KNOWS when he's lieing to you!

What they're really saying...

[barfarf]

Q: Stripped of all the jargon and market-speak, can you succinctly define what Adaptive Enterprise is supposed to be about?

A: We proudly adapt to the needs of our enterprise: namely, the CEO, the CIO, and our board members. Screw the rest of the employees and the customers. Aside from that, we really have no idea what the heck we're talking about. We need to make up big words in long sententces to justify our existence in the company. This is the same mindset that allowed us to have fantastic ideas like merging with Compaq, laying off thousands of employees, while giving Capellas the goodbye gift that one can only dream about.

Q: That could be boilerplate applying to any company. What's the special sauce?

A: The special sauce is no different than what you find in Burger King. We sit around all day long whacking off in an effort to come up with this sh--.

Q: Can't you get that by going to any reputable company out there? Sun, IBM--that's what they're about. Am I missing something here?

A: Nope. They're all the same formula. Same sauce. Right down to the last drop.

This is the real gem right here:

[Tokerat]

I disagree that it was unclear. Adaptive Enterprise defines an entity where a company will be able to dynamically readjust to changes that affect its business.

Soooo...like if I get a new customer I can dynamically readjust my database to reflect the changes that just affected my business? We've never had a machine that could handle SQL INSERT stetements before! What a breakthrough for HP!

Why do they let people like this run companies, or even speak? I mean christ, MS APIs are more well-understood than that buzzword soup.

Only the Polygoniest technologies

[SolemnDragon]

I cannot read marketing print anymore without imagining it being read aloud by StrongBad. But for further amusement, imagine it being read by:

A pirate ("Arr, we'll return on yer investment, matey, just hand over the doubloons...")

A Parrot ("Squawk! Polly wants leverage, polly wants synergies leveraged, squawk!"

A dog trainer ("Sit, marketing rep! Now, demonstrate CRM, demonstrate CR- SIT! bad rep! Shame on you!")

Mr. Hainey from Green Acres ( "I bet you'll be wantin' one o' these here market share segments, to go with that product, won'cha?")

Krusty the Clown ("Hey hey!! Now 'does not cause instant bankruptcy' in every box!")

Dr. Evil ("I'll give you ten minutes to amuse me. Begin your presentation....NOW.")

Personally, i think HP is counting on non-technical word of mouth and goodwill, which is why all these ads focus on things like preserving artwork and capturing criminals- if your other managers like the HP ads, they're more likely to approve HP-related spending... and think that it's worth it, even if they don't understand the product or the language describing it.