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Interviewing with the NSA
George Maschke writes "'Interviewing With an Intelligence Agency (or, A Funny thing Happened on the Way to Fort Meade)' is a humorous and entertaining account of one man's recent experience seeking employment with the National Security Agency (NSA). But this story, newly posted to the Federation of American Scientists website, is also one with a serious message. Written under the pseudonym 'Ralph J. Perro,' it includes discussion of the job interview, psychological testing, polygraph, and background investigation. It will be of interest to anyone contemplating employment with a federal intelligence agency."
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.
The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
The Army reading list
Sample application question:
Which of the following words does not belong with the others?
"Federal, Intelligence, Agency"
Don't RTFA, it's a PDF...
how long until
That's my name, and I recently interviewed for a job with the NSA. I'm sooo dead.
A friend of mine recently got a job at GCHQ, which is a bit like the British version of the NSA. You ought to see the number of forms he has to fill in... background info, more personal details than you can possibly imagine, and they're going to background check all of it. He put me down as a character reference, I might end up writing an essay about how trustworthy he is and getting inteviewed myself, and I'm not even the one applying for the frickin job!
Do you trust the pdf? Why is it a pdf? Is Adobe in league with the NSA? could the acroread you installed to replace the KGhostgview default KDE PDF reader because "the rendering is better" be backdooring your linux box right now, after you were insufficiently paranoid by clicking on the pdf link? Oh you fool. You fool. You're not even wearing your tinfoil hat to stop Scalar/Longitudinal EM wave interference with your brain!
Choice of masters is not freedom.
I think all articles from now on should carry a PDF warning, akin to the NYT registration warning.
@#@#$@ PDF plugin crashed Moz.
Sometimes I wish I was a plumber, then I'd know how to deal with other people's shit.
it just sounds like a word the marketing department made up.
2 1337 4 u!
"Presidents can snort coke, sleep with subordinates and be alcoholics."
who are we talking about here? Clinton or JFK?
Wow groovy! And I assumed only the Church of Scientology could do that!
Sth new to learn every day!
NSA: "Sir, have you at any time read or posted to Slashdot."
Interviewee: "Well, yes, I have."
NSA: "Arrest this man."
----
"Ours was a free culture. It is becoming much less so."-Lawrence Lessig
If they do manage to infiltrate the NSA, at least you can sleep at night knowing *somebody* at the NSA knows what al-Qaeda is up to.
He probably said it was a waste of time because he'd seen that "they" can read it all regardless of encyption. /tinfoilhat
Yah, he also posted a Yahoo e-mail address which I'm guessing the NSA just might be able to penetrate... ;-)
and everything else there is to know about him..
Wow, I had no idea the NSA is that good!
Galileo: "The Earth revolves around the Sun!"
Score: -1 100% Flamebait
Would you ever post sensitive documents on the internet?
WILL: Say I'm working at N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. So I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never had a problem with get killed.
(rapid fire)
Now the politicians are sayin' "send in the Marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number got called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some guy from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes home to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile my buddy from Southie realizes the only reason he was over there was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And of course the oil companies used the skirmish to scare up oil prices so they could turn a quick buck. A cute, little ancillary benefit for them but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And naturally they're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink seven and sevens and play slalom with the icebergs and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil, and kills all the sea-life in the North Atlantic. So my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive so he's got to walk to the job interviews which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starvin' 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat the only blue-plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State.
(A beat.)
WILL (cont'd): So what'd I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. I figure I'll eliminate the middle man. Why not just shoot my buddy, take his job and give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? Christ, I could be elected President.
BH
Fools! They laughed at me at the Sorbonne...!
..the ones I had while interviewing for developer position at Six Flags few years back. Go figure.
I think this has something to do with Dimitri Sklyarov's being sent to jail after breaking some Adobe protection scheme...
Trolling using another account since 2005.
> one of the questions they asked him, when hooked up to the lie detector was: "Have you ever inserted your finger into your asshole for pleasure?"
Correct answer: "No, is it fun?"
So, let me make sure I have this correct:
Overrated / Underrated : Moderation
"NSA is now funding research not only in cryptography, but in all areas of advanced mathematics. If you'd like a circular describing these new research opportunities, just pick up your phone, call your mother, and ask for one."
I guess the moral is that people are willing to compromise their values for the sake of entertainment - I know I am!
Stupid sexy Flanders.
Maybe they don't want people with a conscience...
Stupid sexy Flanders.
You forgot to add the score for today's article and the fact that it's Friday:
NSA: 31337
CIA: w00t!
FBI: pwn3d
Make sure you remove your real name from the PDF document properties.
Point out to them that Internet Explorer is available for free download, then sit back and watch the fun.
GCHQ Quantum Insert installed. If only our tongues were made of glass, how much more careful we would be when we speak
I walked, said, "Shrink...
"I wanna Kill!
"I Wanna Kill!!
"I Wanna KILL!
"Eat dead, burnt bodies.
"I wanna see blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth.
"I WANNA KILL"
And I started jumpin' up and down, yellin' "KILL! KILL"
An' he was jumpin up and down with me, an' we was both jumpin' up and down, yellin', "Kill, KILL...!"
And the Sergeant came over, said "That's our boy," pinned a medal on me an' sent me on down the hall.
I didn' feel too good about it.
And you, madam, are very ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.
(( Seven hours and 20 tapes later ))
windowsXP Loaded.
READY
RUN
* Syntax error in line 10 *
*cursing* -- fix, fix -- * wrenching socket sound * CLANGG!!
(wipes sweat off brow)
(Prays)
RUN
"Hello, World!"
** Much rejoicing **
.
== WolfriderV6 == I'm willing to admit that *I just might* be wrong... Are you??