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Dear Microsoft Windows ...
SpaceCanary writes "I recently read this open letter to Windows and I think it's pretty funny. The guy writes a letter to his OS as if he was breaking up with it. It's a bit strange, but finally more people are starting to see the light and moving away from Windows. The writer chronicles his relationship with the versions of Windows and finally is able to move on in the end."
Hey (*dink* *dink*), it looks like you're trying to write a letter.......
I'm sorry to have left files on you that were posted to /. We had some great times, you and I... sharing files w/ people all around the globe. I noticed that you started to glow red and smoke, but thought this was just a signal of your burning passion for me. Alas, I can now see that the pressure of servicing so many other people has taken its toll on you and you've succumbed. I'm sorry to see you go.
Sincerely,
Joe User
P.S. You will receive a bill for the burnt hole in my carpet.
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer." -Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear
write an Obituary for this guy's webserver.
"IT was a spunky server, full of life and function, however the Good Lord deemed it necessary to remove this server from this world with an act of Slashdot".
Sig it.
see you in hell.
just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
A dear John letter to an OS. Reminds me of when I had my last Pascal class on a VMS/VAX system:
Dear VMS:
You have tortured my life for the last time. I hate you with a pure and perfect hatred. Your renaming of my files is maddening. Your syntax is arcane and pointless. I would prefer attempting to cluster 500 Windows ME systems.
It's not me, it's definitely you.
Ahhhhhh! I'm on fire! Ahhhhhhh!
- Web Server
The less confident you are, the more serious you have to act.
After all, using Windows is like being with someone who:
- Only lets you do things with her approval
- Requires money once in a while to 'upgrade' her features
- Doesn't allow you to even think about seeing anyone else besides her
And to top it all off, you end up contracting a dozen or so STDs even though she says that she always uses protection.
Yeah, because everything you see written on the Internet can be extrapolated into assumptions about the general population.
And you thought goatse was just one freaky guy...
Was Windows cheating on him and allowing some script kiddie to access its private parts or something?
pi = 3.141592653589793helpimtrappedinauniversefactory7
Windows, I'm sorry about my affair with Linux. If it will make you happy... I wasn't root. You know I'm your only admin. What? Everyone you know is your admin? By default? What are you, some kind of whore?! This is over! (Stomps out of room crying).
I'm going to go create my own technology news site, with blackjack and hookers. You know what? Forget the news site.
Just last week I read an article where Microsoft's consumer OS market share has been continually dropping -- down from from a 6 year high of 108 percent to 105 percent just last quarter.
The Microsoft rep that lives under the sink in my kitchen was quick to strike back, however, telling me that the drop came only as a result of survey companies no longer screening for "dirtbag hippies and Communists."
I'm hopeful.
The only acceptable defense of scientific results is to say that they were the product of the Scientific Method.
Hey (*dink* *dink*), it looks like you're trying to write a letter....... [Help me] [No thanks]
(click "No thanks")
Okay, you don't want my help! Should I close?
(click "yes")
Okay, I'll close. Bye! Shall I do a little dance as I go?
(click "Hell, no")
Come on, I love dancing! Pleeease?
(click "Do you want to find out how many times you can bend a paper clip out of shape before it snaps?")
Hmm, you make a persuasive argument. I think I'll just close now.
$8.95/mo web hosting
Dear Server,
Stop buckling under slashdot's load, you vacuum-tubed dented cow-boxed surplus wimp! I cannot read the damned link.
Sincerely,
Pissed slashdot user
Table-ized A.I.
Windows attention span isn't that long.
No folly is more costly than the folly of intolerant idealism. - Winston Churchill
PS - Please don't be blue. And I'll be screening your calls...
PPS - Yes, SP2 *does* make you look fat.
Read the prenuptual agreement. You won't be so happy.
m$w:hey but then by that time you were forcing me into two somes with that naughty grub & linux !! That was bad, really really bad,..
how could i ever forgive u ??
~561
In other news... ...my mom thinks I'm handsome.
If she thinks YOU'RE handsome, she'll definately let me hit it. What's her number?
NTITE
-You can cry, but you'll still die. There'll be no tears in the end.
Yours no longer,
S C
Dear S C,
I didn't give a fuck about you anyway -- already took all your money AND made you look like an idiot - what woman can possibly want more?
Sincerely,
Ms. Windows
Isn't that just like a man? Inattentive, unappreciative, selfish. Gawd, what was I thinking when I went home with you?
Do you have even the slightest idea what I do for you, tirelessly, flawlessly, every day? No. You spend more time doting on your car than me. You've never even looked in /etc, have you? Oh, that's right, "I shouldn't have to think about that."
And to think you'd begrudge me ten measly hours. Do you have any idea what those ten hours will pay you back down the road? Don't you understand that we're trying to build a relationship here? And that relationships require time and commitment? But no, your eyes keep drifting over to that cheap, heavily-made-up harlot from Washington, and thinking to yourself, "Things would be so much easier and more fun with her." Yeah, for a little while. But then the problems would start, and multiply quickly after that. And you know something? The problems you'd have with her would turn out, fundamentally, to be the same problems you say you're having with me. I proved this to you; did you think I was lying? At least I'm being honest with you, and making you aware up-front of what you're getting into, and the work you'll need to do.
I may be cheap, but I'm not easy, buster. If you want something meaningful, something lasting, I'll always be willing to give that to you. Hell, I'll even dress up like that floozy Washington chick if you want. But you'd better be ready to get off your kiester and put in some effort. You may think I'm trying to emasculate you or humiliate you, but what I'm really asking you to do is become an adult. Otherwise, you're just going to go from disappointment to disappointment, and never understand why things keep falling apart.
I'll always be there for you,
Linnie
Editor, A1-AAA AmeriCaptions
Dear Linux,
In retrospect, this letter will be of complete surprise to you. For years I have stood by you, no matter how needy you have been. The time required has destroyed my once happy, fun filled life. I used to have friends, but you took them all away. You're just too high maintainence.
We tried many different fashions to see if you'd change... from hats to french laungerie. But you were always the same, time consuming woman who wouldn't let me live my life. And boy are you fucking ugly. I've had to learn the magical mysterious of Hollywood make-up to make you look good in the past, although recently you've gotten a bit better at looking sexy without days of my undivided attention.
There were good times. You were reliable, always around, always available. You were open and honest, and I could see into the very depths of your soul. But you were antisocial, getting anything to work with you was a chore and I've just about had enough of fighting with configuration files to get the most basic peripherals to work with you.
Perhaps, when you've become more friendly, and you work just as well in your various styles, we can be one again.
For now I'm off to that flashy babe Windows. She might be an expensive, unreliable whore, but she looks stunning and good in bed. (Can you go to bed with a computer?) Though I'll be back when she breaks my heart.
(I would go with that super model MacOS X but she's out of my league - my wallet is only 'so' fat.)
Fuck it. All the effort has to be worth something. I'll stick it out to see if, as they say year on year, this will be the year of the Linux desktop... the year it becomes easy. They have been saying it since 1997 but they can't be eternally wrong... can they?
Yours probably forever due to cash shortage,
C.
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