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Self-Adapting Traffic Lights
Roland Piquepaille writes "If you're like me, I bet you hate moments when you're in a hurry and all the traffic lights seem to intentionally switch to red just in front of your car. Now, according to Nature, a Belgian traffic researcher thinks that traffic lights that respond to local conditions could ease congestion and reduce your frustration. His method would not give you the individual power to switch the light to green. But if you were part of a group of cars approaching a red light, inexpensive traffic-flow sensors would detect your group in advance and turn the light to green. His simulations show that such adaptive traffic control is 30% more efficient than traditional ways of regulating traffic. However, his system has not been adopted by any large city. So you'll continue to be frustrated by these ?%&$! traffic lights for a while. You'll find more details and references in this overview."
I have a better idea. They could put cameras in intersections, like the ones that take a picture when you run a red light and you get a ticket in the mail. Ok, they put these cameras, except that not only do they take pictures of actual red light violators, they also take pictures of cars going through the intersection at random times when the light is green and it is perfectly legal to enter. Then, the image is sent to computers, where it is processed to remove other vehicle traffic, to change the lights from green to red, etc.
Then, you drive to work, minding your own business, and you don't run any red lights. In fact, you are the best driver in the world. You don't break a single law. And then you get a ticket in the mail with photographic evidence that YOU ran a red light, even though it never happened. The court will have some internal rule that all such tickets are considered an automatic conviction, and there is no way to appeal. That will enhance revenue.
I have an additional idea. In France they started blanking out the passenger side of the cars in these pictures, because too many Frenchmen got caught with another woman in the cars by their wives opening the traffic ticket that came in the mail. So the automatic image manipulation software that performs the above incrimination would go a step further and put a prostitute in the passenger seat. If you're driving in the evening, say, home from work, special studs in the road can come up and puncture your tires right after the picture of your car is taken. Then, conveniently, there will be a towtruck nearby who offers to take you to the nearest tire shop. The tow truck company and the tire shop will be in some secret business agreement with the city. The studs in the street will be embedded in such a way, and they will puncture the tires and retreat back into the street so fast, so as to be undetected. The tow truck driver will take his sweet time hauling the car to the tire shop, and once there, they will take their sweet time putting new tires on the car. In the meantime, some woman walks into the waiting room where you're waiting, and she comes up and without your permission grabs your head and kisses you right on the face, a wet, nasty kiss. Her tongue practically goes down your throat and out of your ear, like when Madonna kissed Britney Spears. In the meantime, cameras film all of this. Then this woman just gets up and goes away. By the time they finish putting tires on the car, it will be quite late at night. You return home and your wife wonders why you're so late. You tell her that you had a flat tire. The receipt from the tire place has the date and time, and little do you notice, because who checks, that the time is five o'clock, not, like, 10:00 when they actually finish and charge you. Your wife thinks it's kind of funny that it took so long to change a tire. (Also, they hid dirty panties under the passenger seat in your car.) Next thing you know, a traffic ticket comes in the mail during the day when you're at work. Your wife opens it and sees a prostitute in the car with you on the day you came home late. She says what the hell is this, and you explain that there's no way this could be, because this never happened. Your wife is skeptical and starts crying. The next day, a package arrives in the mail. It is a video tape. There is a note that says, "I didn't want to be the one to tell you this but you have a right to know." Your wife puts it in the VCR and it's the video of you macking with some hot woman (the video from the tire shop). Now she's really pissed off. She wants a divorce. Little did you know that the divorce lawyers also had secret business negotiations with the city.
Now that is what I call revenue enhancement in the truest government style. Not only does the government take away your money, but it deliberately fucks up your life as well.
Government. Where do you want to go today?