John Cleese To Write Next Aardman Film

Anonymous Coward writes "The BBC has news from the Cannes Film Festival. First, the previously announced Curse of the Were-Rabbit Wallace and Gromit short is due in Autumn, and a Trailer is available. Second, John Cleese is currently writing a pre-historic comedy for Aardman Entertainment. From the article: 'It will be great comedy adventure about a pre-historic culture clash between two tribes, one comparatively evolved tribe, and one un-evolved tribe...Some might consider one tribe might be the English, and some might consider that the other to be the French, the Gauls...Let's just say it's the start of the Entente Cordial and it explains why the English Channel is there.'"

Comments

Excellent.

[PopeAlien]

Grommit! we forgot the cleese!

Re:Excellent.

[Jack Taylor]

Maybe you didn't know, but Cleese's father actually changed his surname from Cheese to Cleese before signing up for the army in World War I. Interesting how these things work out :)

"Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please."

Re:Excellent.

[pipingguy]

During a 20 Questions interview with Playboy magazine, Cleese spun a wild yarn about his ancestors being named "Cheese". Couple this with the fact that close friends call him Jack (a common alternative for John), Cleese joked that he might go back to his old "family" name and move to Monterey, California... thus becoming Monterey Jack Cheese. In fact, though, his grandfather's name *was* Cheese and he did change it to Cleese!

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000092/bio

As with most Python-related stuff, I'd take this unsigned anecdote with a grain of salt.

Would you like to argue about this?

One French, one English, and one evolved?

[Anonymous Coward]

So, there will be three tribes?

Declaration of Revocation

[Jeremiah Cornelius]

Declaration of Revocation by John Cleese

Declaration of Revocation
by John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old

enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not

Re:Declaration of Revocation

[kevcol]

And right according to Snopes- he didn't:

http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.a sp

Re:Declaration of Revocation

[Jack Taylor]

For those of you who think Cleese really hates America, consider for a second that all three of his wives have been American (and blonde). This is one of those posts that seems to need to be prefaced with "this is a joke". I'm amazed how many people just can't get jokes like this, thinking that the author is just poking fun at them, whereas in reality the author is poking fun at himself whilst writing it...

Re:Declaration of Revocation

[RealAlaskan]

For those of you who think Cleese really hates America, consider for a second that all three of his wives have been American (and blonde).

Three American wives? No wonder he hates us.

Re:Declaration of Revocation

[Locke2005]

Exactly...

Why do the British drink warm beer?

Refrigeration by Lucas!

Re:Declaration of Revocation

[Golias]

Q: Why don't the British make PC's?

A: They couldn't figure out how to make one leak oil.

Re:Declaration of Revocation

[Spock the Baptist]

"Why do the British drink warm beer?"

For the same reason that they eat jellied eels.

Re:Declaration of Revocation

[Spock the Baptist]

"15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy."

Lee Harvey Oswald*

*'Case Closed'--ISBN: 0679418253

Re:Declaration of Revocation

[AvantLegion]

SUBJECT: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman).

However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook.

8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. Yu can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

P.S. -- Regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

Re:Declaration of Revocation

[Anonymous Coward]

As a Brit I am confused where this belief comes from, I have been drink beer in England for over forty years and it has never in all that time been served to me warm.

Can anyone enlighten me? perhaps they drank warm beer 100 years ago and it has just stuck, but it is highly inaccurate today.

Re:Declaration of Revocation

[Anonymous Coward]

Regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

lol oh please you couldn't have left it any longer to join in if you tried.

Anyway the Russians had it all stiched up irregardless of whether you guys joined in or not.

So perhaps instead of feeling all self righteous you should check the history books, ahhh perhaps get one from Europe it will give a more accurate picture than the ones you probably get in the USA.

Re:Declaration of Revocation

[Scooter]

As a UK subject - can I just say that's pretty damm funny (and spot on) although I'm not sure you've really understood about the French, or cars (e.g. it's not about the cupholders) :P ...and well, er.. oh alright then, let's get the ball rolling - I apologise on behalf of my country for the teletubbies - god knows it gave me nightmares, you have to wonder what it does to kids... now if the teletubbies isn't an argument for the right to bear arms, I don't know what is...

But while we're all saying sorry - isn't there something you want to say about Knight Rider? Murder, she wrote? and Titanic?

Re:Declaration of Revocation

[Requiem Aristos]

> we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic

Interesting tradition, considering that Rome maintained its "republic" status for about twice as long as the US has been around. If you're talking about democracies that are still around, you should consider the Iroquois Confederacy, going on ~800 years. (Consider also that Iroquois were present when the Continental Congress was meeting in the summer of 1776.)

Re:Declaration of Revocation

[PakProtector]

While not created by Cleese, this is by far one of the funniest, wittiest, and sadly most fitting things I have read in a long time.

The parts about having too many lawyers and therapists and not being adult enough to solve one's problems without resorting to violence is particularly spot-on. In this once great country of America, we really do seem to have a big problem, and I can bring it down to two points.

1. Problems:
2. No one wants to take responsibility for their actions.
3. As a nation, we are a bully.

Let me clarify and expand upon both of these points. Firstly, the idea that no one desires to take responsibility for their own actions. We go a great deal out of our way to excuse all sorts of behaviour that is not acceptable in society. Such things as not minding one's own god damn business, and by that I mean, "Stay out of my life when I'm not killing or raping anyone," and another such thing as no one is responsible for anything anyone.

I'm sorry, little Timmy, but the video game didn't make you kill Billy. You're fourteen. You got the gun out of the locked safe yourself, loaded it, went to Billy's house, aimed at him, and pulled the trigger. Five times. Yes, you're dead.

The second point, that as a nation we are a bully, can easily be illuminated by the nation of Iran. Let me see here. I might be getting the years wrong, so I'll use terms of 'time ago.' Such as '50 years ago,' et cetera. Actually, no. That's not even neccessary.

Iran: Had a democratically elected government. Said government would not tow America's line. Deemed 'bad for our interests.' Said democratically elected government was overthrown by our own government, and set up a dictator in its place. The Shah. The Shah was then overthrown, and an Islamic Extremist came into power. Now they hate us and we (some of us) wonder why.

As people (most of us, anyway,) and as a nation, we need to do two things: Accept responsibility for our actions, and stop interfering in other's lives.

Now, I think I'll just sit back with some nice Earl Grey and a Hot Dog (It's still Friday! Hail Eris!), and wait for the Department of Vaterland Uber Alles to come by and pick me up for speaking against the Fuhrer.

Or for my geek card to be revoked for purposefully invoking Godwin's law.

Re:Declaration of Revocation

[Anonymous Coward]

spotted dick

It's spotted dick and yellow peril, and let's not forget bangers and mash, mmm yummy

The Brits don't do too bad with beef (yorkshire pud mmm), beef wellington is good, the only problem they seem to have is distinguishing a steak from what they call a roast. And not to forget Xmas pud with enough brandy to fell a horse.

Re:Declaration of Revocation

[reborn]

"Can anyone enlighten me? perhaps they drank warm beer 100 years ago and it has just stuck, but it is highly inaccurate today."

We drink lager cold, but we drink ale (beer) at room temperature (or slightly chilled) because it's a living drink (the yeast is still alive) and, IIRC, it brings out the flavour (similar to drinking red wine at room temperature I guess).

This confused belief has come from people referring to 'lager' as 'beer', which it isn't, and is rightly served ice fucking cold whenever people want it.

Re:Declaration of Revocation

[MemoryDragon]

The longest running republic still is iceland with way over thousand years, it might be topped by some tribes which are unknown by today.

Re:Declaration of Revocation

[xeno-cat]

"sit back with some nice Earl Grey"

Funny, because I just switched from drinking far to much coffee to drinking English Breakfast tea. I'm glad I live in Maine because 5-10 grams of salt would really kill the flavour. Earl Grey is a great tea as well. Tea > coffee.

One thing really missing in America is popular historical perspective. Even when we were gearing up for the first Iraq invasion I was telling people that it was bizare that we (USA) were trying to take the moral high road when we actully supported Saddam while he was committing the very acts we are now demonizing him for. The most common response was dumb looks. It was like peoples brain synapses simply were not wired to even recognise historical context.

I remember when the Taliban were taking over Afghanistan and the people, especially the women, were begging the world to intervien and stop them. Women who held jobs were committing sucide as the new regiem began repressing them. It was all very public. After the Taliban sieze control they fly to Taxas to work out the oil pipeline deal.

I won't even start on the whole Iran/Contra gate debacle.

Kind Regards

Re:Declaration of Revocation

[Anonymous Coward]

English Beer... unlike american beer isn't refined yak piss, and thus doesn't need to be served at sub-zero tempratures to taste good.

Wallace & Grommit: Ultimate Date Movie

[BTWR]

It's the best video to watch on a first-second date. It's only 25 min (I usually watch "The Wrong Trousers") and she'll love it and laugh. Score big points :)

smells of elderberry

[pipingguy]

Some might consider one tribe might be the English, and some might consider that the other to be the French.

In this one, which nationality discovers that coconuts are *not* migratory?

http://www.rit.edu/~smo4215/monty.htm

GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut?
ARTHUR: We found them.
GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR: What do you mean?
GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land.
GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.
GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut.
ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
ARTHUR: Please!
GUARD #1: Am I right?
ARTHUR: I'm not interested!
GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow, that's my point.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...
GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...

[clop clop]

GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together?
GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
GUARD #2: Well, why not?

Re:haha that's very witty

[kfg]

Excuse me now while I blow my brains out with a shotgun

Now that might well be funny, but it's a bit more Rowan Atkinson that Python.

KFG

Mirror

[augustz]

WMA was only one I could get

http://screenrant.com.nyud.net:8090/images/Wallace _and_Gromit_Trailer_330k.wmv

Four!!

[XanC]

Four tribes!

I'll come in again.

Re: Declaration of Revocation - urban myth

[tomRakewell]

John Cleese did not write this. It is an urban myth.

You can tell, because it is not funny.

A bit funny, but not by Cleese.

[k98sven]

Snopes.

Re:MOD LOW UID HAVING ASSHAT DOWN

[Jeremiah Cornelius]

And thanks for posting more insight in my journal, Mr. Boldface.

Torrent link for trailer

[Anarkhia]

Looks like the server is (predictably) slashdotted. Here's the torrent link:
Wallace And Gromit - The Curse Of The Were-Rabbit - Trailer 1 (WMV)

RTFA--it's the first W&G full-length feature!

[Grackle]

. . . not a "short."