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Movies in Fifteen Minutes
Luckily, a publisher agreed and contacted her about a print version of the online format. The result is a dense 400 pages of fan-service satire covering the last ten years of movies. Films covered in the book include Jurassic Park, Braveheart, Independence Day, Titanic, The Matrix, Gladiator, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, Spider-Man, Attack of the Clones, and the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy. For those of you already saying "This book is crap, I thought Will Smith's performance in Independence Day was extremely moving", relax. While the book is satire, and the obvious flaws in the film's plot are laughed at, the author is a fan first and foremost. She treats even Jeff Goldblum's grumpy chaotician in Jurassic Park with the respect of someone who knows her audience very well. You can laugh at a film without hating it.
And laugh you will. M15M synopses are fast-paced tears through the boring bits, glossing over all that wordy tension building background stuff with a well placed "OMG" to get to the really good parts. From Gladiator:
"MAXIMUS: Forget this - I'm going home, where I have a wife and son.
LUCILLA: I'm be going to Rome, where I have a son and a dead husband.
[They exchange smouldering glances.]
MAXIMUS: So, have we established that we once had a thing, but we now both have children, the ultimate bittersweet evidence of us having done it with other people?
LUCILLA: Yeah, I think so.
MAXIMUS: Awesome. See you around."
Every movie is a self-contained world of straightforward dialogue that cuts to the bone of a scene while still evoking the spirit of the situation. The jokes are funny, to be sure, but the book is also well written. Comedy is hard, and ensuring the synopses were peppered with references to literature and film, emoting objects, and subtle fan poking while also making sure the movies made sense must have been a challenge. The bare bones of characters are usually established within a few pages by self-referential dialogue, and while you may have to suffer through an entire paragraph of actual exposition it's unlikely that will go on for long. From Philosopher's Stone:
"HAGRID: You ought not to meddle in these things!
HARRY: But we're the stars of the movie! That's what we do!
HAGRID: Well, you three can stop that right now! We've gotten along just fine without a plot so far, hain't we? Just lots of nice episodes about young Harry's adventures at wizard school! Don't see no reason why we've got to go introducing a plot now, of all things, so you just keep to yourselves and don't ask no questions about Nicholas Flemel, hear?"
Not content just to use obvious humor, there are several running gags and real-world intrusions throughout the book as well. The Third Age Limbo competition, for example, is well attended by several characters during the course of the book (Neo wins), and Padme's handmaiden Rose is seen at one point bargaining with George Lucas to be allowed into a certain leather skirt movie with a naked Brad Pitt. Cleolinda's understanding of pop culture on the whole is impressive, and despite the already stale nature of some of the movies in the book the humor she uses manages to have a sort of timeless quality to it. In ten years references to the movies themselves may no longer be common, but the book's humor manages to stand on its own. Brittany Spears, George W. Bush, and Martha Stewart are nowhere to be found within the pages of the book, ensuring that despite its pop culture roots it won't be incomprehensible after a few years on the shelf. From The Matrix:
"The Matrix: The Text AdventureM15M is the kind of book ideally suited to reading in spurts. It's not a great work of our time, and it doesn't pretend to be. This book is a read-before-bed treasure, a fine companion for a long plane ride, or a great reason to get yourself into the sun on a vacation beach. In the end, it is a dozen mostly self-contained novellas with familiar characters and snarky commentary on the often nonsensical decisions made in moviemaking. It's wittily written, with a fast cadence and intelligent voice. It's quite hard to convey comedic timing in print form, but M15M manages to live up to the best stand up acts with copious ellipses and enthusiastic asterisk. Movies in Fifteen Minutes is an Internet version of 'local girl does good', and the result is a testament to what you can do with some spare time and a sarcastic attitude. Even though it will be out in the states early next year, and you can read her online works for free, M15M is well worth the couple of pounds to have the book shipped across the pond.MORPHEUS: Go Down The Hall.
NEO: There's an office at the end of the hall!
MORPHEUS: Go There.
NEO: I am there.
MORPHEUS: Go In It.
NEO: Sorry, I don't understand that.
MORPHEUS: GO INTO THE OFFICE.
NEO: ...
MORPHEUS: OPEN THE DOOR AND GO INTO THE OFFICE.
NEO: Oh, okay.
MORPHEUS: God, I Hate Text RPGS."
From Jurassic Park:
"ELLIE: We have to reboot the system before we can call for help! Unfortunately, I'm just a botanist who can barely understand the concept of 'chaos' -
GRANT: And we've got a raptor at the door!
ELLIE: I'm coming to help you hold the door!
GRANT: But who will reboot the door locks? WHO, I ASK YOU??
LEX'S SHINING MOMENT: *arrives*
LEX: Hey! I can totally manoeuvre this system you call 'Unix', because I am a 'hacker'!"
You can purchase Movies in Fifteen Minutes from Amazon.co.uk. Slashdot welcomes readers' book reviews -- to see your own review here, read the book review guidelines, then visit the submission page.
GNAA Mourns the Death of l0de and the l0de Radio Hour.
Impi - Political Correspondent, South Africa.
Pentagon documents leaked to covert GNAA agents working for the CIA provided proof that a deliberate plot against renowned shock jock l0de was put into effect to eliminate him. The recent sacking of CIA director Tenant, who was used as a scapegoat, to cover up the great lie perpetrated by the pentagon, against the American people to justify the war against Iraq, prompted disgruntled CIA agents to leak the document.
It was revealed that technology that was developed and refined from the research of alien artifacts from Area 51 was used to create Hurricane Katrina. Similar technology was used against Turkey and Iran when they displeased the Pentagon. Earthquakes were the preferred Weapon of Mass Destruction against those Sovereign states. Hurricane Katrina was then directed towards New Orleans in an attempt to assassinate l0de. The attempt failed.
Defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld was believed to be infuriated at this failed attempt as he has been a target of LRH in the past. He ordered that all aid and military convoys be delayed for as long as possible so that Delta Strike Teams could be dispatched to New Orleans. Five Delta Force assassination squads were disguised as "Cracked up Gangsta Niggahs" and sent in to finish the job.
The Pentagon underestimated the loyalty of the Negro Population in New Orleans. The once divided crack selling factions banded together in defense of l0de and decimated the Delta Force assassination squads. Pentagon moles informed l0de via Jap sponsored satellite phones that President Bush, on orders from his mother, Barbara Bush, instructed FEMA to delay relief aid to punish the Negro Population for their defense of l0de.
l0de, dying of AIDS anyway, promptly committed suicide in a bid to save the remaining traumatized population. His death, thankfully, signifies the death of LRH, they both will be missed.
About Area 51
Area 51 is a NOT SO Top Secret American Military Installation. Operation Karate Rain Urchin, which was created to assassinate l0de, was hatched and conceived here using weather manipulation technology which was retrieved from the Roswell crash site in 1947. Incidentally, Karate Rain Urchin is an anagram for Hurricane Katrina, coincidence?
The GNAA does not think so.
About l0de Radio Hour
Dead.
About l0de
http://www.instantlobotomy.com/.
About GNAA:
GNAA (GAY NIGGER ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA) is the first organization which gathers GAY NIGGERS from all over America and abroad for one common goal - being GAY NIGGERS.
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