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Games, Movies, Comics Collide
Three unrelated pieces of news floating around today all point to the ongoing collision of older medias and gaming. Most Exciting: Joystiq reports that the rights to make a Sin City game have been picked up by Red Mile entertainment. Despite their role as the creators of the Jackass game, that seems like good news. Less Exciting: The two Lego Star Wars games sold really, really well, and so it's not terribly surprising that Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga has been announced by the folks at LucasArts. Next Generation has the details, saying the game will be released on the PS3, 360, DS, and Wii. The Wii/DS games will be redesigned for their unique control schemes, and the high-end consoles will feature online co-op play. Truly Confusing: Fox has picked up the movie rights for a The Sims movie. Given the way many people play The Sims, I can only assume it will be rated NC-17 and released straight to DVD.
I'm calling it right now, the sims movie will be about a guy who realizes his life and all his actions are being controlled by someone playing sims, and in the end he finally manages to break free.
Boy, can I not wait to see a movie where people run around peeing on the floor, sob into their hands, fly into fits of rage over crappy wall art, and wave their arms in the air like a monkey as their house burns down around them.
Or maybe a movie about a crazy but urbane gentleman in a storm trooper outfit who slaughters people in his back yard by removing the ladder just after they get in the pool?
FFS, half the time actually playing the game was boring (and let me tell you, there's nothing like playing the Sims at 4:00 in the morning, yelling at your sim, "will you get off the fucking computer and go to bed").
Reality has a conservative bias: it conserves mass, energy, momentum...
What the hell is the script for this going to look like?
::waves arms in a display of frustration:: ::sets carpet on fire::
Girl: blah, blah blah, blah! Blah blah blah!!
Boy: blah.
(continues on page 113)
This will be the most heavily subtitled movie in history, a complete throwback to silent film, or just highly experimental (no understandable dialog, 100% based on body language and pantomime).
I think the only way to make this work is to have a gamer sucked into the world of The Sims like Jeff Bridges in Tron. Hilarity ensues. But we all know it will probably end up getting directed by Uwe Boll. Either way, I'll wait until it's free on cable (and if their's nothing else on).
I propose a national task force to deal with this.
SCENE: Office of a big-shot Hollywood MOVIE PRODUCER. He is sitting back in his big leather chair, smoking a fat cigar, thinking out loud.
MOVIE PRODUCER: Hey, I know what we could do. It'd be a shitty movie but if we do it cheap enough, we'll still make a profit! We could base a movie on 'Daikatana'!
Murmurs of assent come from around the room. But suddenly, the door to the MOVIE PRODUCER's office bursts open. We see a FEDERAL AGENT, dressed in a dark suit and dark glasses, burst in, flanked by two members of an elite team wearing body armor and carrying submachine guns. The MOVIE PRODUCER gets up, backs away. The FEDERAL AGENT walks right up to him, stares him directly in the eye, unblinking. Then punches him in the nuts.
MOVIE PRODUCER: Argh!!! What did you do that for???
The FEDERAL AGENT pulls out a badge and shows it to the MOVIE PRODUCER.
FEDERAL AGENT: Sorry, sir. My name is Agent Rex Hightower, and I'm a member of the FBI's Movie Adaptation Task Force. Any time a member of America's movie industry decides to adapt an old TV sitcom, cartoon, or videogame into a movie, I'm required by federal law to intervene and stop them. The American people finally decided that they had taken enough of your crappy movies and that direct action was required. And that's where we come in.
MOVIE PRODUCER: It'll take more than a tap in the cojones to keep me from making that movie! You don't understand the money involved! That movie will make millions!
FEDERAL AGENT: No sir. You don't understand. We're very serious about what we do. You see, that was just a warning. Next time, the gloves comes off. [quiet for a moment] You don't even want to know about what happened to that poor bastard who was trying to turn 'Mister Ed' into a feature film...
So that's my idea for how things would work. Actually, it probably wouldn't work as a law. But it would be a clever premise for a movie... hm. Have your people call my people.