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Can You Handle 'THEY'?

Posted by Zonk on from the oh-games dept.

In a refreshing turn, over at Newsweek's LevelUp blog N'Gai has some suitably chastising commentary on the newly-announced FPS entitled simply THEY. This overly-simplistic name is accompanied by a nearly informationless press release, and reinforces the idea that whatever THEY is, it's not worth looking into. "Generally, the role of a press release is to inform. But having read the THEY press release, all we've taken away from it is hyperbole and buzzwords, assembled Mad Libs-style for maximum unintended hilarity. What is THEY? Apparently, THEY is a 'next generation mystery first person shooter for PC and next generation consoles.' Who are THEY, you ask? ''THEY' are huge--'THEY' are different--'THEY' are hostile!' How good will THEY be? It's 'so mysterious, so stunning and so amazing--that 'THEY' might become one of the most anticipated world premiere titles from this year's Games Convention!'"

15 of 100 comments (clear)

  1. Where did I hear that before... SEGWAY by gurps_npc · · Score: 2, Funny
    OH YEAH, when THEY were talking about the little electric scooter wither a strange control system that THEY thought would 'revolutionize' travel.

    Turned out to be a joke THEY called Segway.

    --
    excitingthingstodo.blogspot.com
  2. From the makers of... by Senjutsu · · Score: 5, Funny

    gabbo Gabbo GABBO

  3. Features? by Paktu · · Score: 5, Funny

    From the feature list: unique weapon system that makes you "love" your weapons what the fuck does that mean?

    1. Re:Features? by dr_strang · · Score: 4, Funny

      From the feature list: unique weapon system that makes you "love" your weapons what the fuck does that mean?
      If it means what it sounds like it means, that's seriously creepy.
      --
      This is a sig. It is like every other sig in the world, except that it is mine, and it is different.
    2. Re:Features? by Kesch · · Score: 4, Funny

      This is my BFG. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
      My BFG is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
      My BFG, without me, is useless. Without my BFG, I am useless. I must fire my BFG true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will...
      My BFG and myself know that what counts in this war is not the rounds we fire, the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit...
      My BFG is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strengths, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its barrel. I will ever guard it against the ravages of weather and damage as I will ever guard my legs, my arms, my eyes and my heart against damage. I will keep my BFG clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will...
      Before God, I swear this creed. My BFG and myself are the defenders of my country. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of my life...
      So be it, until victory is humanity's and there is no enemy, but peace!

      --
      If this signature is witty enough, maybe somebody will like me.
  4. No by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 1, Funny

    but I bet I could handle Them.

  5. Marketing: Salaried Intoxication by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 2, Funny

    So I guess we need to find some guy named Turok and ask him what he thinks about this.

  6. And then... by Fallen+Kell · · Score: 4, Funny

    ...'THEY' will be soon forgotten...

    --
    We were all warned a long time ago that MS products sucked, remember the Magic 8 Ball said, "Outlook not so good"
  7. From the ALL CAPS Department by Shadow+Wrought · · Score: 2, Funny

    THEY are no match for BLAZEMONGER! In fact, HIM, HER, US, THEM and THEY are still no match for BLAZEMONGER!

    --
    If brevity is the soul of wit, then how does one explain Twitter?
    1. Re:From the ALL CAPS Department by BlackCobra43 · · Score: 2, Funny

      Rumors are floating about that THEY is actually a REMAKE of BLAZEMONGER - with TWICE THE SPEED. TWICE THE ACTION. TWICE THE FIREPOWER. It is SO hard you will lose without even BUYING the game!

      --
      I never spellcheck and I freely admit it. Save your karma for more worthwhile "lol erorrs" replies
  8. Loving your weapons by denzacar · · Score: 2, Funny

    So... if THEY publish this for Wii - will the gameplay and controls for boys be different from those for girls?

    --
    Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
  9. In Soviet Russia by Provocateur · · Score: 3, Funny

    THEY can handle YOU

    just to get that out of the way. And for once, the grammar nazis won't even wince.

    --
    WARNING: Smartphones have side effects--most of them undocumented.
  10. Obligatory 80's reference. by dannycim · · Score: 3, Funny

    ...''THEY' are huge ...

    The might be giants? ::ducks::

  11. Re:Another movie license game? by tsm_sf · · Score: 2, Funny

    I'd buy it if THEY based it on THEY LIVE! and I get to play as Robertson Piper, esq.

    --
    Literalism isn't a form of humor, it's you being irritating.
  12. what they mean by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 1, Funny

    let's do some translation:

    Title: THEY = hey, naming a game FEAR was a good idea, let's do something similar!
    Release date: 2008/2009 = 2009/2010/2011/2012/...
    Genre: First person mystery shooter = what was I saying about FEAR?
    Scenario: Near Future = either that or WWII ...
    * next generation 3D engine = ooooh, shiny screenshots
    * unique weapon system that makes you "love" your weapons = ... no comments ...
    * mysterious science fiction background story = [unable to translate, gibberish]
    * diversified enemies--thrilling and intelligent = they can DUCK
    * heroes to identify with = what, do we play a computer geek?
    * heavy usage of physics = wow, gravity
    * destructible environment relevant for gameplay = only the scripted cracks in walls
    * haunting single player mode = i FEAR this may be a ripoff
    * versatile multiplayer modes = CTF, deathmath