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Attack of the Evil Monkeys From Hell

Posted by kdawson on from the who's-wearing-the-pants dept.

grrlscientist writes "A new form of communication between wild vervet monkeys and humans is causing humans distress — and a collapse of their food supply. Approximately 300 vervet monkeys in Kenya are sexually harassing the women of a village so they can steal their crops. None of the attempts to discourage the monkeys has so far worked."

20 of 462 comments (clear)

  1. Tit-for-Tat by pipingguy · · Score: 5, Funny

    Have they tried flinging feces at the monkeys yet?

    1. Re:Tit-for-Tat by Aqua+OS+X · · Score: 4, Funny

      No, just spanking.

      --
      "Things are more moderner than before- bigger, and yet smaller- it's computers-- San Dimas High School football RULES!"
    2. Re:Tit-for-Tat by spiderbitendeath · · Score: 3, Funny

      It's not nice to insult the monkeys like that.

      --
      Sometimes when I'm working on projects things disappear, I suspect gremlins.
    3. Re:Tit-for-Tat by Hijacked+Public · · Score: 5, Funny

      I don't know about that. As I've been through Kenya and most of the surrounding area a few times it seem to me that the best solution would be the opposite of what most Slashdotters are proposing here.

      I say the Kenyan government should give the monkeys full human rights. Set aside an area of the country designated a monkey habitat and enshrine in law the monkeys' collective ownership of that land.

      Then announce to the Western world that a routine governmental survey has found something of great value on the monkey-land. Gold, oil, rhodium, manganese, pretty flowers. Anything that can be collected and sold will do. The rest will take care of itself.

      Before long armored divisions will start showing up to keep the peace. Machine gun bunkers will be built. Far overhead, out of sight of the monkeys, billion dollar airplanes will peer down throught their bombsights, trying to locate the laser the ground team is shining on a mudpile monkey hut so the bomber crew can precisely deliver a million dollar payload of explosives to eradicate the hut and all its occupants from the face of the earth.

      An opposing monkey faction would be developed by dangling the carrot of power in front of an influential but well liked monkey leader of a monkey splinter group. To this faction the West could provide weapons, in return for assurances that when power was consolidated the weapon providers could expect the favor to be repaid. We just want to see an end to the monkey terror, you see.

      But, with the other hand, the West could make sure that power never was consolidated. This way the monkeys would set themselves to the task of continually collecting whatever natural resource it was the West wanted, so they could afford a continual supply of weapons to fight a war that would never end.

      If that isn't a time and again proven effective method of monkey subordination I don't know what is.

      --
      "Sacrifice for the good of The State" - The State
  2. Those aren't monkeys... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

    they're phi sigma kappa pledges

  3. Subscribe the monkeys to Slashdot by Antique+Geekmeister · · Score: 4, Funny

    That way, they'll only watch porn all night and never actually lay a hand on anything female.

    1. Re:Subscribe the monkeys to Slashdot by psychicsword · · Score: 5, Funny

      I take offense to that just because I watch porn all night and never actually laid a hand on anything female doesn't mean I read slashdot... Oh wait

  4. It all began when the monkeys got cable tv... by Telephone+Sanitizer · · Score: 4, Funny

    They've been watching BET.

  5. when arnt they going hungry? by Pvt.+Cthulhu · · Score: 5, Funny

    eat the monkeys. problem solved.

  6. Ah, monkies... by NerveGas · · Score: 5, Funny


        Is there anything they do that ISN'T entertaining?

    --
    Oh, you're not stuck, you're just unable to let go of the onion rings.
  7. Re:reverse the gender roles by Clever7Devil · · Score: 5, Funny

    But the mens' favorite shows are on during peak farming hours.

    --
    "By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect 'Hungry.'" -Gary Larson
  8. Re:Not that hard of a problem to solve by SL+Baur · · Score: 3, Funny

    They can sanction the whole village and given current conditions in other places in Africa, one would suppose those monkeys have friends in high places in that country and I suppose a lot can happen in retaliation.

    After all, how did they learn to make rude human sexual gestures in the first place? Somebody taught them and TFA does say they are a protected species. Put two and two together and what do you get?

  9. WWTHAD? by Kaenneth · · Score: 5, Funny

    What Would The A-Team Do?

    First, to travel a long distance with B.A. by plane, he'd have to be tricked into taking a sedative, then loaded onto the plane.

    Hannibal and Face would be too busy sexually harrasing the women themselves to get serious for a while. Murdoc would 'get to know the enemy' by joining the monkeys, while B.A. would be pissed about getting tricked again.

    Inspired by the earlier drugging of B.A., Hannibal would come up with the plan to have Murdoc sleeping drug the monkeys while B.A. and Face Montage-Weld a specialized monkey-scooper truck, to load them on the plane. As they leave they drop the monkeys into the compound of the military dictator.

    (maybe I shouldn't port at 2 am)

  10. Re:Not that hard of a problem to solve by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

    Put two and two together and what do you get?

    The weirdest fucking /. post ever.

  11. More than the average number of arms? by bangzilla · · Score: 4, Funny

    "The monkeys grab their breasts, and gesture at us while pointing at their private parts...."
    So by my count that's two (2) hands to grab breasts, one (1) hand to gesture and one (1) hand to point at the privates. Total four (4) hands per monkey. Do these magical monkeys fly too?

    --
    Rich people are eccentric. Poor people are strange. Me, I'd be happy with odd.
  12. Re:nay by Loligo · · Score: 3, Funny

    Gecko45? Is that you? God, I love the anti-guerilla counter-terrorist guys on the net. They're always fun.

    Yeah, well, I was an elite CIA Force Recon UDT Sniper Seal Yellow Beret (much cooler than those Green Beret pansies) with OSS doing black ops in the Argonne Forest just north of the Chosin Reservoir back in '84. I can't comment on which unit I was with or anything I actually did because it's so top secret the government will deny I was ever in the military, and you might get on the NSA's super-secret list if you even reply to this comment.

      -l

  13. Re:Family Guy warned us by BakaHoushi · · Score: 3, Funny

    If these monkeys were "in the closet," though, would they be going after WOMEN?

  14. Re:Not that hard of a problem to solve by HangingChad · · Score: 4, Funny

    It's a criminal offense to harm them.

    When it's a crime to hunt monkeys, then only criminals will have fried monkey for dinner.

    Eat the evidence.

    --
    That's our life, the big wheel of shit. - The Fat Man, Blue Tango Salvage
  15. Re:Family Guy warned us by schon · · Score: 4, Funny

    If these monkeys were "in the closet," though, would they be going after WOMEN? That's a pretty silly question - of course they would.

    It's the ones that have come out of the closet that wouldn't. :)
  16. Re:Not that hard of a problem to solve by th1nk · · Score: 3, Funny

    Dogs don't understand the law. Bring in a predator.

    I don't think it gets cold enough there to freeze the gorillas come wintertime.