Slashdot Mirror
A Telescope as Big as the Earth
Roland Piquepaille writes "A week ago, seven telescopes around the world were linked together to watch a distant galaxy called 3C273 in real time and create a single world telescope. The data from these telescopes, which are located in Australia, China and Europe, was streamed around the world at a rate of 256 Mb per second. One of the Australian researchers involved in the project said that it was the first time that astronomers have been able to instantaneously connect telescopes half a world apart. He added that 'the diameter of the Earth is 12,750 km and the two most widely separated telescopes in our experiment were 12,304 km apart.'"
In The Ghetto XXXI (Special Guest Star: Grandma Lockwood)
A burning wet fart scalded Vlad's colon and rectum as he twitched awake. Vlad laid in bed, shaking at the horrible images that had danced through his sleeping mind. Sweat streamed from his forehead, trickled through his greasy scalp and soaked his pillow. This had been the worst nightmare yet. Vlad had dreamt that he was married to a 400-pound bag of soul-sucking gelatin. Living in a double-wide trailer filled with Jerry Springer moments, his only joy was his two sexy sons.
Vlad slipped out of bed and tip-toed into the next room. There, Grandma slept peacefully, snoring and farting in her usual comforting way. Vlad slipped under the covers with her and immediately felt his sense of security return. Grandma always made everything better. A loud, low rumble escaped from her buttocks. Vlad pulled himself lower down the length of the bed so that his nose rested against Grandma's ass. He inhaled deeply as the gas wafted around him and put him back to sleep. Vlad savored every moment, even in his sleep, for he knew tomorrow the other kids in his class would remind him of his countless inadequacies.
* * * * * * * * *
Vlad belched forcefully, sending chunks of hamburger helper spewing out into the living-room. The orange plastic of the couch stuck to his fat pale legs and his stained briefs bathed him in a rich sampling of unique Lockwood odors. At the opposite end of the couch, Reza sat in her usual spot. The cushion was practically non-existent, compressed as it was from her unimaginable mass.
"Oh Vladdie-Pop, I'm so glad Grandma has come to stay with us since little Vaginez came along! It is so nice to have some help around the house!"
"Yo, you fat cunt, I'm trying to watch the new Eminem video. One more word outta you, and your fat ass'll be laid out on the fuckin' floor for the next month."
Reza quivered at the thought of another merciless beating by her dear Vladdie-Pop. The last time he had "corrected" her, she had spent 22 hours huddled in the shower, weeping as the scalding water pelted her rubbery body. She had lost a whopping 1/2 pound that day. She spent the entire next day eating, fearful of her body wasting away to further displease her beloved.
Reza's ruminations were interrupted by a terrible screeching from Marticock's Chamber. Vlad's fleshy head reddened with rage. He just wanted to watch television. Why did everything always have to work against him? He turned to Reza, with a terrifying scowl on his face. Reza felt a pang of terror shoot through her massive gut and she frantically dislodged herself from the indentation in the couch.
Reza thudded across the double-wide's paper-thin floors, "Grandma! Grandma!"
Grandma Lockwood was sitting on the toilet relieving herself of the Metamucil she had consumed for breakfast, "don't worry, dear, I'll take little Marticock out for a nice walk and he'll be fine!"
"Oh Grandma," Reza blubbered.
Grandma Lockwood soaked a rag in some Clorox and cleaned her rump of the liquified feces that had spattered up from the toilet. She applied a thick coat of Johnson's Baby Powder and then pulled up her stockings. She flushed the toilet, which immediately backed up and spilled out over the floor.
"Reza, honey, you wanna clean up my shit while I take little Marticock for a nice walk?"
Reza was only happy to clean up in the bathroom. It would give her a purpose, a valid reason to be away from Vlad. Though she could never admit such a thing to herself, at a subconscious level she would do anything to avoid being with her Precious Love.
Grandma Lockwood prepared the grocery cart by throwing some used Taco Bell napkins in the bottom to make a nice nest for Marticock. She then lifted Marticock from his crib, careful not to agitate his pummelled rear, and placed him comfortably in the nest. She wrapped herself in her Eminem shawl - a Christmas gift from her grandson - and pushed Marticock out the door.
With Reza scrubbing fur