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How To Configure Real PC Parental Controls?

Orange Crush writes "As the resident computer geek in an office full of accountants, my boss recently asked me how she could reasonably keep her teenage son from using the family computer to 'access inappropriate sites.' I of course responded 'Give up now. There's nothing in this world that can keep a determined teenager from acquiring porn.' Sadly, she was dissatisfied with this answer. I mentioned that there was in fact software available for this purpose, but that all of it was trivially easy to bypass for a clever young mind. I really can't think of another answer. She could password protect the BIOS to prevent booting a different OS, but that's easily defeated with a screwdriver at most. The only solutions I can think of involve upstream firewalls/proxies/etc to which I gleefully redirected her to her ISPs tech support number. As much as I disagree with her reasoning — and ignoring the obvious 'go to a friend's house' loophole — is there really any other way (on a home budget) to netnanny a household computer?"

25 of 618 comments (clear)

  1. ChInA by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 0, Funny

    Move to china they are good with censorship :)

  2. Just tell her by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 0, Funny

    to suck your dick, and film it. Sprinkle liberally around the intertubes. That way, when her kid goes looking for porn, (s)he is scarred for life.

  3. Take away the video card? by nategoose · · Score: 5, Funny

    Take away the video card so Jr can't see the hot action? Or sit there with the computer so Jr can be monitored at all times. Cancel internet access. Encrypt the hard drive so that Jr can't use the computer at all. Put a picture of Jesus over the monitor.

    1. Re:Take away the video card? by mrjb · · Score: 3, Funny

      I was going to suggest a VT100. Then I remembered aalib.

      --
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    2. Re:Take away the video card? by eln · · Score: 5, Funny

      This could lead to some very disturbing side effects. Think of the following scenario:

      Your 13 year old son, massive amounts of hormones pumping through his body, is horny as hell. He goes to the computer for a quick bout of self abuse, and can't see anything! But he's 13, so he's still horny, and about ready to go off all over the place. All he needs is even the slightest stimulation. He looks around frantically for anything at all. Unfortunately, you've already taken the precaution of cutting all of the underwear ads out of the newspaper, and parental controls on the TV limit him to TV-G programming. What is he going to do now?!

      Suddenly, he spies the picture of Jesus on top of the monitor. Not exactly what he was looking for, but hey...Jesus has long hair, and if you sort of squint he looks kind of feminine. So, your son says what the hell, and touches himself. He's 13 of course, so that's all it takes. Congratulations, you've just made your son jack off to Jesus. Now you won't even be able to take him to church without getting him going.

    3. Re:Take away the video card? by couchslug · · Score: 2, Funny

      "Now you won't even be able to take him to church without getting him going."

      Sounds like a good fit (pun intended) for the priesthood!

      --
      "This post is an artistic work of fiction and falsehood. Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact."
  4. Simple by flu1d · · Score: 5, Funny

    Poke out his eyes, problem sovled

  5. Use humiliation. by altinos.com · · Score: 5, Funny

    Have the only computer in the house hooked up to a 50" plasma or LCD screen in front of a window facing the street.

    1. Re:Use humiliation. by khendron · · Score: 5, Funny

      That might draw a crowd.

      --
      Life is like a web application. Sometime you need cookies just to get by.
  6. Braille porn! by Treskin · · Score: 5, Funny

    You, Fine Sir, must be unfamiliar with the wild world of braille porn. It's especially nice if you learn how to read it with the correct digit.

  7. Re:Assuming a slight level of trust by Solder+Fumes · · Score: 2, Funny

    "Otherwise I shudder to think what happens when he can have porn and booze and no sense of self control."

    The time is college, and the answer is 50% dropout rates.

  8. Re:Assuming a slight level of trust by Irish_Samurai · · Score: 4, Funny

    A tool that my mom used for controlling video game time for my younger sister was controlling the power cord. Hand it out when it is game time, remove it when it is time to do homework. I was a latchkey kid and my Mom tried that with me. Unfortunately the answering machine ran on the same voltage.
  9. Re:logging firewall and TALKING by russ1337 · · Score: 4, Funny


    "I had a bunch of friends who had ssh servers... "

    Chances are you needed the pr0n 'cos i get the feeling you weren't hanging out with any chicks...

  10. Re:Edwards' Law, Dogbert's Corollary by Tackhead · · Score: 5, Funny
    > "You cannot apply a technological solution to a sociological problem".
    >
    >It's not exactly true. You can very well do so. To expect a determinable result is to court dissapointment, however.

    Or as Scott Adams put it (01/23/1996):

    (Dilbert is working on a "new technology to prevent kids from seeing smut on the Internet")
    Dogbert:"So, you're pitting your intelligence against the collective sex drive of all the teenagers who own computers?"
    Dilbert: "What is your point?"
    Dogbert: "Did you know that if you put a little hat on a snowball it can last a long time in hell?"

  11. Re:logging firewall and TALKING by Zenaku · · Score: 4, Funny

    As long as the US Government doesn't go insane in the next ten years . . . .

    No risk of that, I assure you. However, I think it likely to remain in that state for at least that long.

    --
    If fate makes you a motorcycle, you become a motorcycle.
  12. Re:PLEASE MOD EINSTEIN DOWN by iamacat · · Score: 3, Funny

    The ones that try to reenact porn in real life without any regard for the consequences generally do get in trouble.

  13. No, there's a much simpler answer. by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

    Make your kids watch you in a porno. They'll be put off porn for life...

    1. Re:No, there's a much simpler answer. by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

      Oh, c'mon, your mom's video wasn't that bad...

  14. Re:K9 Web Protection? AN EASIER & FREE WAY! by mcmonkey · · Score: 2, Funny

    First, you have to find the name of EVERY pr0n site that you don't want the child accessing.
    Or as I like to call it, "My Favorites"
  15. I've had FANTASTIC results with dansguardian by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 1, Funny

    Only my Linux box in the basement has internet access. It'd dual-NIC'd; one port goes to the DSL box and the other to a switch where all the house computers are connected. The only way they can do websurfing is via the dansguardian filtering proxy on the Linux box. You can tune it to how much or how little you are willing to tolerate. If you set it ridiculously strict, it'll even block all .zip and .rar files "just in case".

    But! The best side benefits is the logging. My son does all the hard work of trying to find good porn sites, and then all I have to do is check the log for autoblocked sites to go look at every now and then!

    Who needs a porn aggregator site when you have a 15 year old lad hunting them out for you?

  16. Re:parenting? by Xtravar · · Score: 2, Funny

    Your dad's stash of Playboys didn't have people dressed up as Squirrels having sex with people dressed up as Nuns in orifices that should not be penetrated smeared with what looks like a mixture of feces and vomit.

    Not that I disagree with the point you're making, just don't even think of comparing the interweb with a typical softcore magazine from your childhood.

    --
    Buckle your ROFL belt, we're in for some LOLs.
  17. Re:parenting? by ObjetDart · · Score: 4, Funny
    Your dad's stash of Playboys didn't have people dressed up as Squirrels having sex with people dressed up as Nuns in orifices that should not be penetrated smeared with what looks like a mixture of feces and vomit.

    Umm, link please.... ?

    --
    I read Usenet for the articles.
  18. Lynx by Culture20 · · Score: 2, Funny

    Lynx

  19. Re:parenting? by Fulcrum+of+Evil · · Score: 2, Funny

    yeah, but you didn't have tubgirl.

    --
    "We returned the General to El Salvador, or maybe Guatemala, it's difficult to tell from 10,000 feet"
  20. Re:Not really by hobo+sapiens · · Score: 2, Funny

    I think if there is one post in this entire discussion that needs to be read, it's yours.

    Oh, and this post telling people to read your post. I think if there are two posts in this entire discussion that need to be read...eh, you get the idea.

    --
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