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Spoiler-Free Review of Indiana Jones
Following last week's sour review of Indiana Jones, Seamus123 links us to
"A spoiler-free review of the brilliant new Indiana Jones film, The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Much has been made of the revival of the series: is Harrison Ford too old, is Shia LeBeouf any good and can it live up to the three previous movies? All these questions — and some surprising answers — are found in Den of Geek's review." Personally I'll see it no matter what.
Meesa no wait for poodoo reviews! Meesa gonna give bigsa clink-clink to franchise rightawaysa! What could go wrongsa?
If you were blocking sigs, you wouldn't have to read this.
It's a shame there won't be a Marcus Brody role in this one, as the actor died a few years after the Last Crusade. One of the funniest scenes in the trilogy was from this one:
Elsa: It's perfectly obvious where the pages are... he's given them to Marcus Brody.
Henry: Marcus?! You didn't drag poor Marcus along did you? He's not up to the challenge.
Donovan: He sticks out like a sore thumb. We'll find him.
Indy: The hell you will! He's got a two day head start on you, which is more than he needs. Brody's got friends in every town and village from here to the Sudan, he speaks a dozen languages, knows every local custom, he'll blend in, disappear, you'll never see him again. With any luck, he's got the grail already.
(next scene)
(Brody disembarks from the train along with the other passengers, a cross-section of Arabs and Turks.)
Brody: Is there anyone here who speaks English? Or maybe even ancient Greek?
> Personally I'll see it no matter what.
Then the terrorists have already won
I can't stand the guy and the only way I'll consider the movie a success is if he's playing the role of Short Round. Mister Jones! Mister Jones!
Whale
Indiana Jones wins and the villain loses.
I guarantee that in the Special editions Indy will whip first.
And at the end if Titanic, the ship sinks!
* spoiler alert! (Was I supposed to say that first?)
You've been on /. this long and you're just now noticing that we bitch about everything?
SJW: Someone who has run out of real oppression, and has to fake it.
Dah-nuh-da-da!
*whipcrack*
*wisecrack*
*swiiiiiiing*
*punchpunchpunch*
INDY!!!
Dah-nuh-da-da!
Morbid curiosity.
"I only speak the truth"
Karma: null(Mostly affected by an unassigned variable)
Maybe they'll give the sword-swinging guy guns and have him fire a couple of shots at Indy before he gets shot...
E pluribus unum
Even more amusing is the IMDB entry:
Apparently the Titanic sank because of hypothermia. Poor ship just needed a blanket and a Cup O' Noodles.
The Crystal Skull found in Belize will teleport you to a huge cavern on another planet inhabited by giant aliens I will have you know!
"Where's Drew Berrymore so she can step in and convince Lucas we should take this chance to replace all the scary whips in Indiana Jones with licorice sticks"
Uh... I assune you mean Drew Barrymore. Drew Berrymore's a _completely_ different actress and trust me, she wouldn't be asking for any whips to be removed...
'Don't worry' said the trees when they saw the axe coming, 'The handle is one of us.'
and that imdb review sank because of dangling participles.
try { do() || do_not(); } catch (JediException err) { yoda(err); }
Hey Indy! Hey Indy! We're going to Candy Mountain! Candy Mountain! Come on, Indy!
[Indiana Jones ends up in a dark cave.]
Oh, they took my kidney.
What a sad excuse for an Indiana Jones movie that would be....
Check out my sci-fi/humor trilogy at PatriotsBooks.
So how else does one bridge that wretched awful gap between 'chortle' and 'guffaw'?