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9 Reasons Why Developers Think the CIO Is Clueless
Esther Schindler writes "Finally, a Forrester analyst who understands the attitudes of software developers. Mike Gualtieri identifies nine behaviors managers need to steer clear of or risk being labeled 'clueless' — from control freak tendencies to being a vendor puppet. My favorite, however, is point #8: 'the CIO collaborates to death,' in which Gualtieri opines, 'And, if you never watched Star Trek then you shouldn't even be a CIO.'"
That's what happens when the article is in CIO magazine. They tend to start making assumptions about what you know about CIOs.
What is wrong with being head of the IT department?
It doesn't pay as well, for one thing.
Chief Information Officer
CEO: Chief Executive Officer
CFO: Chief Financial Officer
CxO terms are pretty common for the top level in larger corporations.
CTO: Chief Technology Officer
COO: Chief Operating Officer
All equal to:
CYO: Cover Your Own _____
My blog
s/think.KNOW/gi;
There, fixed it for you.
If we only THOUGHT the CIO was clueless, that would be a different story. too many businesses are like septic tanks - the really big chunks (the floaters) rise to the top.
So remember, children, high visibility isn't necessarily a good thing. It might mean you're just full of shit.
Coder: "How tall are you?"
CIO: "6.1"
Coder: "Gee, they're piling shit higher nowadays."
First he says don't be a dinosaur, then he starts talking about tapping Ethernet cables.
The last time I tapped an Ethernet cable, my buddy was throwing 9-track tapes at the dinosaurs to keep them away!
Anonymous Cowards get no respect.
CIO: "Very funny. Now security will be escorting you out. No, we won't give you a reference."
10: No sense of humour.
I was just offered a CIO position this am, we're negotiating the start date. Too funny.
And, if you never watched Star Trek then you shouldn't even be a CIO.
Whew, got that one covered. Scotty! I..need...that...data center power. And I'll preface all my emails with a Stardate.
Stop thinking about your golf game.
D'oh! How did he know that?
Guess I'll find out if this is better than running my own consulting gig. All those times I shook my head wondering how people so clueless got into decision making positions, karma comes around. All those times I suggested a better way to have it ignored. Not anymore. It's an interesting feeling.
Vendors are a problem. Relentlessly annoying. Going to have to come up with a system to keep them from bothering me all day.
That's our life, the big wheel of shit. - The Fat Man, Blue Tango Salvage
s/think.KNOW/gi;
Substitution replacement not terminated at line 1.
Not much of a fix.
God invented whiskey so the Irish would not rule the world.
C3P0
I always thought it was Career Is Over ...
Faster! Faster! Faster would be better!
COO: Chief Operating Officer (usually a doctor)
CTO: Chair Throwing Officer (usually a Ballmer)
EIO: Chief Farming Officer (usually Old McDonald)
Chief Insult Officer, that's me.
"Go snort a moose, you snorkel-bleaching thimble monger!"
That's why I get paid the big bucks.
-Billco, Fnarg.com
Top three signs:
1 - CIO reads magazine articles equating "Ruby on Rails" and "multicore programming" in the same sentence,
then proceeds to plan new projects with a vision towards "massively distributed MVC, ROR, multicore Web 2.0 social applications",
(code word for slow ruby websites that seem developed by drunken monkeys).
2 - Follows advice regarding "Your ability to talk tech will go a long way to earning the respect of application development professionals."
Usually developers have close to zero tolerance for the inane utterances ("talking tech") of managerial staff,
or as it is call in technical terms, "bullsh!t".
3 - Reads articles that use dehumanizing terms to refer to technical staff ("resources"),
then proceeds to use them to form akward "complimentary" sentences:
"Bob, you are by far my most leveraged, hyper-synergic resource".
- Bonus: CIO fires the company's most experienced engineers, hires an all-Kazakhstani team,
which after six months of working without a formal design produces hundreds of slideshows
that are demoed to customers on MacOSX, extra points if shown on spanking new MacBook Airs.
What is wrong with being head of the IT department?
It doesn't pay as well, for one thing.
Amazingly (from an anatomical perspective), as a CxO you can be both the head and a dick at the same time.
She made the willows dance
explain why the data center was overrun by a squad of ninjas
CEO: Wait. Let me get this straight. Our website was offline -- costing us forty zillion dollars per nanosecond -- because the data centre was overrun by ninjas?
CIO: Yes, that's exactly right, sir. You see-
CEO: (interrupting) So with the 200 billion dollar budget we allocated you -- and which you spent every last cent of, might I add -- you somehow forgot to provide adequate physical security for the facility?
CIO: Well, no sir, we had 24/7 security -- both humans and robots -- biometric scanners, 14 inch reinforced steel and concrete walls in 7 concentric rings, blast-proof doors, a five factor authentication sys-
CEO: (interrupting again) So then, what you're saying, Mr Fancy Pants CIO, is that you misspent a two hundred million dollar budget on ineffective security measures for our most important computing facility?
CIO: Well, no not really sir, the security of the facility is second to none - there has never been a breach of even the first layer of security in the last 7 years, not even the Ru-
CEO: (interrupting, shouting, spraying the CIO with saliva) SO HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN OUR WEBSITE BEING DOWN FOR OVER 8 HOURS DUE TO THE PHYSICAL SECURITY HAVING BEING BREACHED?
CIO: Well sir, it's like this. Ninjas are awesome. Like, really freaking awesome.
CEO: (the anger immediately leaves his face as he regains his composure) Oh. I see. You're right, ninjas are really freaking awesome. Nothing could have prevented this. Good job.