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Michael Crichton Dead At 66
Many readers have submitted stories about the death of Michael Crichton. The 66-year-old author of Jurassic Park and The Andromeda Strain died unexpectedly Tuesday "after a courageous and private battle against cancer," a press release said. In addition to writing, he also directed such sci-fi classics as Westworld and Runaway. Crichton was married five times and had one child.
Congratulations on your purchase of a brand new nigger! If handled properly, your apeman will give years of valuable, if reluctant, service.
INSTALLING YOUR NIGGER.
You should install your nigger differently according to whether you have purchased the field or house model. Field niggers work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained together. Chain your nigger to another nigger immediately after unpacking it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many niggers start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House niggers work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape. At this stage, your nigger can also be given a name. Most owners use the same names over and over, since niggers become confused by too much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective names for your new buck nigger. If your nigger is a ho, it should be called Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some owners call their nigger hoes Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous names for nigger hoes. These names go straight over your nigger's head, by the way.
CONFIGURING YOUR NIGGER
Owing to a design error, your nigger comes equipped with a tongue and vocal chords. Most niggers can master only a few basic human phrases with this apparatus - "muh dick" being the most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and have him remove your nigger's tongue. Once de-tongued your nigger will be a lot happier - at least, you won't hear it complaining anywhere near as much. Niggers have nothing interesting to say, anyway. Many owners also castrate their niggers for health reasons (yours, mine, and that of women, not the nigger's). This is strongly recommended, and frankly, it's a mystery why this is not done on the boat
HOUSING YOUR NIGGER.
Your nigger can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of nigger food through. The rule of thumb is, four niggers per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot nigger cage can accommodate two hundred niggers. You can site a nigger cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry about your nigger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. Niggers never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any case, your nigger is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as the free food holds out, your nigger is living better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put. Buck niggers and hoe niggers can be safely accommodated in the same cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.
FEEDING YOUR NIGGER.
Your Nigger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and watermelon. You should therefore give it none of these things because its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it on porridge with salt, and creek water. Your nigger will supplement its diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other niggers, etc. Experienced nigger owners sometimes push watermelon slices through the bars of the nigger cage at the end of the day as a treat, but only if all niggers have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day. Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a killer, since all niggers steal something almost every single day of their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free watermelon for his niggers as a result. You should never allow your nigger meal breaks while at work, since if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a nigger to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have no idea.
MAKING YOUR NIGGER WORK.
Niggers are very, very averse to work of any kind. The nigger's most
First dibs!
Quit crying. Your pick obviously became President. Get a sense of humor.
Commanding a nigger to chuck a spear is like commanding a Jew to steal.
You got to command the nigger to not behave as an animal; command him to put on clothes and be like the white man. Then to save his soul he must renounce his blackness before a preacher of white Jesus then baptise and slap the black out of him! Black be gone, sinner! Praise white Jesus, and you'll be accepted into white Heaven as an equal to the best president of the USA: Ronald Reagan.
"Thank God that's over."
take it however you like. :)
plz don't say that jews steal. i'm jewish and i can tell you MOST of us work hard for what we have. yes there ARE jews who steal just as there are people in every category who steal. but the majority of us don't like thieves anymore than you do. in the ten commandments the one about stealing (#6) correlates to "I am the Lord thy God" (#1) because there are two stone tablets and both commandments are the first on their tablet. so a jew who steals is a jew who does not believe in God. also plz dont call black people that. judge every person by the content of his character. the next president sucks not because he's black but because of the wrong ideas he believes in
If he spent more time doctoring instead of writing pop kitsch, maybe he'd have known what to do to cure himself and he'd be alive.
Avoid "Jurassic Park" (the book) though -- it's complete drivel from beginning to end. Utterly awful writing.
[The idea behind the book is entertaining enough, it's just the execution that sucked.]
We live, as we dream -- alone....
1. it's really not nice to criticize someone on their death announcement. your social skills suck
2. if you are a well-respected writer, perhaps you would have the authority to judge. but as a random asshole on the internet, your authority to judge his work is zero. oh of course, you are entitled to your opinion, but i am also entitled to ascribe a value to your opinion. the value of your opinion is somewhat below the "gee i should share my thoughts on slashdot" threshold you thought it enjoyed when you decided to post your retarded opinion
we don't care what you think, asshole, because you shit on a well-respected author on the announcement of his death. did i forget to mention that makes you an asshole? have a nice day, asshole
intellectual property law is philosophically incoherent. it is your moral duty to ignore it or sabotage it
And what exactly are your qualifications then? Oh, that you can link to clueless websites.
You could've just written this:
"Lalalalalala I can't hear you lalalalalala"
It would've been shorter and to the point.
20 January 2017: the End of an Error.