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Physicists Prove That Vampires Could Not Exist
You can put away your wooden stakes, and stop hanging garlic around the windows, thanks to Physicists Costas Efthimiou and Sohang Gandhi. The pair have published a paper where they demonstrate, by virtue of geometric progression, that vampires could not exist. It turns out that the vampire's method of feeding and reproduction would deplete their food supply very quickly. Their paper, "Cinema Fiction vs. Physics Reality," assumes that the first vampire appeared on January 1, 1600 and shows that everybody on the planet would have had their blood drained by June, 1602.
I saw this mathematical proof on an old US Scholastic Sesame St. Magazine in the late 1970s. That's 30 years ago.
Of course even that only works for the model scenario of one small town in California. For a global solution you'd need large numbers of slayers distributed worldwide. But that shouldn't be a problem. I mean, nobody would be fool enough to set up a vampire-control organisation with only one slayer, right?
Right?
Real Daleks don't climb stairs - they level the building.
...something a vampire would say.
I don't rely on epidemiologists to solve quantum physics problems. Similarly, I don't rely on physicists to solve vampire plague problems.
Da Blog
I don't see how this proves anything. Geometric progression doesn't mean crap when they A: don't have to suck you dry to get through a day, and B: being sucked dry doesn't automatically turn you into a vampire.
With those 2 things in mind...
The whole geometric progression seems completely Incorrect.
XML - A clever joke would be here if
they forgot to include the French into this equation, nobody's wants to suck the French!
...and I can shed some light on this matter.
You see that bloodsucking stuff is scam and has always been a scam.
In fact vampires are not undead, everliving bloodsuckers, but undead, everliving garlic eaters. Guess where the rumors comes from that garlic is healthy ?
We are driven by the DESIRE to eat garlic and oh more delicious garlic and even more crunchy fresh gaaarrlic.
This put early vampires in a kind of conflict with early argicultural cultures in upper egypt 5000 years ago (That was around the garlic and fennel wars, but you won't
recall this since we removed all evidence from history).
So the first born vampire and our all mighty and hallowed queen Ash-Gar-Kara-Lic-Krunsh'k-Krunsh had the brilliant idea to spread the rumor about us being undead
bloodsuckers which could only be fend off with fresh, tasty gaaarlic.
That was brilliant as nobody would suspect the undead bloodsuckers to plunder the garlicccc plantations instead, haha.
Way later we paid writers quite some money to get the garlic meme going.
Vampires had also tremendous impact on the cuisines of some countries, most notably France.
However, I'm a removed vampire that means that I've moved to beer instead (which has the same effect due to hops which was discovered by...take a guess). ...creative... with novel ideas to spend the past-time.
I've gained much weight and lost my ability to fly, but instead I've gained the power to float on water.
Last year I floated all over the Atlantic ocean with some packs of beer in tow, that was quite a nice journey.
While this sound dumb, I must point out that after 4653 years one has to get
Note, that I don't have to work for the beer since I deposited 5 bag'than at Urg-Enki's savings bank 3500 years ago and I'm one of the richest men of the world (like most of us).
The paper can be found here: http://arxiv.org/abs/physics/0608059 And it includes some other topics as well (e.g. Ghosts, Zombies).