Where Does a Geek Find a Social Life?

JustShootMe writes "I have a question for my fellow Slashdotters, and yes, I realize I am entering the lion's den covered in tasty meat-flavored sauce. I have never been a very social person, preferring to throw myself into technology; therefore, I've been spectacularly unsuccessful in developing any meaningful interpersonal relationships. Lately I have begun to feel that this situation is not tenable, and I would like to fix it. But I really don't know how and haven't the faintest idea where to start. I know that I am in the minority and that there are many different kinds of Slashdot readers, most of whom have more experience in this realm than I do. So please tell me: how, and more importantly, where do you meet fellow geeks — preferably including some of the opposite gender — in meatspace?"

Comments

Learn to dance

[wonkavader]

Go to a dance instructor. You've got the money. Pay for lessons. Then go to group dance lessons. Meet people there and then get groups going to dance clubs.

All your problems will disappear.

Unless you're a girl. All the above assumes you're a boy. You're a boy, right? OK, then go learn to dance.

Things I have found helpful

[gonzo840]

Linux groups would be a good bet for meeting more geeks. Something that help me get out of my shell at an early age was a martial arts club. Most times you will find they have a good set of values and a nice sense of community. Also it helps with self esteem. I have found this question to have a snow ball response. Once you start getting out and enlarging your comfort zone things can grow quickly. Checking out events in your area and region with social network sites and local arts events / classes can also go a long way. Approaching new people is easier when you are approachable, be friendly smile make eye contact and most of all simple complements. Oh and getting a 2nd job in a bar will change you for life.

Relax

[UndyingShadow]

First of all, don't talk like you do in your summary. Using overly precise words will freak normal people out (Geeks tend to find it pretentious, as well.) Find a local geek hangout spot, hang back and observe. Smile when something is amusing, laugh when it's funny. Say nothing until you feel comfortable. Do this until you are having a conversation. Repeat conversations until you are invited to activities with people. Repeat until you have friends. But most of all, throw your research away, stop asking Slashdot like you're preparing a technical writeup...and Relax! People are fun.

Fellow geeks?

[GreatDrok]

Why limit yourself to geeks? I spent years at various Universities trying and failing to meet women and it wasn't until I started doing stuff outside of my normal group that I did. I took up figure skating of all things and met my future wife. Now you may ask why a red blooded male would take up figure skating. Same reason I did cookery at school. No red blooded male would do them so there were loads of females and no competition.

Get out, take up a social activity. A friend of mine in a similar situation took up dancing and ended up meeting lots of girls too.

Volunteer to be an IT geek at an elementary school

[Anonymous Coward]

My girlfriend is a 2nd grade teacher. She and all her co-workers are single, female, very intellectual, super educated (masters degree is required), and very hot. Can't meet anyone of the opposite sex at work? They can't either!

Get a motorcycle!

[schon]

I met my wife online too, but before that, a motorcycle did wonders for my social life (in fact, it was the bike that gave me the confidence to meet her in person.)

Before I had the bike, I was shy and had low self esteem ... I was dateless for over two years. Within a few weeks of getting the bike, I was getting 2-3 girls a week asking me out! Seriously.. a motorcycle turns "shy and introverted" into "dark and brooding". (But don't assume that every woman will ask you out - if one comes over and talks to you about your machine, chat with her a bit about the bike and offer her a ride.)

Some caveats:

• Find a bike you *like*. Nothing looks stupider than someone who isn't comfortable on their chosen machine. Be comfortable on it, and you'll exude confidence, which is the most powerful attractant there is.
• Dress for the bike. Similar to the above point, a racing suit on a Rebel 250 will just look silly, as will a leather jacket with fringe and chaps on a rice rocket.
• It doesn't have to be a Harley or a rice rocket - a guy on a Shadow or Intruder (or even a Rebel) is just as impressive as long as he looks comfortable on it.
• Learn a little about motorcycles, so you can hold your own in conversation. Don't talk about them endlessly though - that's just boring.
• If you're the "fat WOW-playing" type of geek, lose some weight, unless you're also growing a zz-top beard and riding a Fatboy.

My solution

[petrus4]

http://www.meetup.com/

I had the same problem as you, when my ex-girlfriend moved out; she'd managed to alienate literally everyone I'd previously ever known, including family members.

I joined a Meetup group about 18 months ago, and was eventually made Organizer. I host monthly groups, and out of a resident membership of around 100 people, I get regular attendance of close to a dozen people now. There are also Meetups for just about every possible kind of general interest you can think of, including some which are purely for random socialising.

Motorcycles and/or horses....

[rts008]

If you find a gal that is candid, then you will know that the similar stimulation factors involving the motorcycle's seat/vibration characteristics compare favorably to the seat/movement stimulus of a horse under saddle for said gal.

For you motorcycle-less, and horse-less dudes, there is still hope.
Howard Stern conducted an impromptu 'experiment' involving a powerful subwoofer that the gal could 'ride' astraddle of a sub-woofer under his control that achieved the same orgasmic results of motorcycles and horseback riding.
Imagination and creativity is your friend.
Studies conducted decades ago came to the conclusion [citation needed-too lazy to look]that date scenarios that induced adrenaline and other thrills increased your odds of getting lucky on dates...scary movies, thrilling carnival rides, riding 'shotgun' in safe, sanctioned drag races, bungee jumping, etc...all produced positive results far better than the typical 'dinner, chic-flick movie, then try to enter on delivery to domicile'(can I come in for coffee, or 'one for the road') approach.(there seems to be some correlation between adrenaline induced episodes invoking some kind of sexual arousal...may be related to some survival instinct or dopamine levels in the brain chemistry)
It seemed that the more novel the date setting==increased 'getting lucky' factor.

Exercise her mind and imagination with the date setting, don't be afraid as being lame for not following the time accepted formula..chicks dig getting a non-standard date...it shows innovation and 'outside of the box thinking', which will make them feel special and cherished.
I once took a gal to an annual 'Machinegun shoot' in Arizona, packed a picnic lunch.
I let her fire many different select fire, and automatic-fire weapons during the day.
We did not get 3 miles from the shoot and she was suggesting us getting a motel room to 'work off' the excitement.

Get out to groups that share your interests, and talk to any interesting(to you) gals in those groups to find likely candidates for dates.
Being turned down is just a filter to apply, not the end of the world, nor hope. Even if just talking to them gives you a platonic friend, that's still a plus!(hint:the more desperate you seem/act/come across as, the less chance you have.
A wedding band caused me to need a baseball bat to keep them away right after I got married!
Act somewhat aloof, but friendly to all for good results.

Somewhat shadier, but extremely successful, is if you have a friend that has a small child, especially a really cute 4-5 year old boy...offer to babysit, then take him grocery shopping. Make sure to take your 'little black book', as you will fill it before you get to the checkout line!!!!!
My college roomate (female-it was a 'big brother/surrogate hubby relationship-purely platonic..she was a single Mom, 12 years my junior, but convenient for us both at the time to 'set up house' together-we had separate social lives) had such a son, so I know it works(see shopping/babysitting tip above...I was exhibiting a 'nurturing/protective' attitude that long-term relationship gals were looking for subconsciously. apparently, and they came in droves and flocks!

I have found other effective techniques, but the bottom line:
1. stick to the truth at all times, it's much easier to remember 'one true story' that subsequent inquiries will inevitably expose/uncover, thus corroborate...it will happen!
2. avoid bars/clubs as 'girl shopping' areas, unless you are a 'knight in shining armor', and can afford to put up with the complications tha always seem to arise...still recommended against, but YMMV. YMMV adversely to exceptions more often than not-be forewarned!
3. avoid preconceptions and expectations, enjoy and treasure the jewels you find...even if they are not 'that right one'
4. beauty is not skin deep...beauty is like a properly cut, dressed, faceted, and polished gemstone. There are many facets that combine to make true beauty, which endures

Re:Really?

[Mal-2]

> Why are enjoying science and gay sex mutually exclusive?

They aren't. It's just that you're applying two very selective filters at once, so few people are going to make it to the output stage.

Think about it this way: How many people care about your research? A few hundred? A few thousand? There's your first narrow filter.

Then you need one who is a homosexual male -- just for the sake of argument let's put that at 10% of the population, and assume your profession has a typical demographic. Even assuming your field is 80% male (the numbers don't change much even if it's 100% male), that means you just eliminated 92% of that few hundred or few thousand. At best you now have a few hundred candidates.

Then add in a filter you probably didn't consider -- they have to be close enough to actually meet and have sex with, and they have to speak at least fluent one language in common with you (you won't be able to talk shop in a pidgin dialect). Long distance relationships suck. Unless you are in a major hub location for your field, you can probably count the remaining candidates on one hand (in binary).

I think your best bet would be to apply the narrowest filter first -- start hanging out with people who care about asymmetric catalysis organic chemistry. Although most of them won't be interested, I know I (as a straight male) would have no objections to setting up two gay friends or acquaintances if I thought they'd like each other. I've done it before.

If it turns out my dating version of the Drake equation proves horribly wrong and there are millions of such candidates out there, then invoke Rule 34 and get rich. Or as George Carlin put it, "nail together two things that have never been nailed together before, and some shmuck will buy it."

Mal-2