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What Does Google Suggest Suggest About Humanity?
CNETNate writes "You'll laugh, but mostly you'll cry. Some of the questions Google gets asked to deliver results for is beyond worrying. 'Can you put peroxide in your ear?', 'Why would a pregnancy test be negative?', and 'Why can't I own a Canadian?' being just a selection of the truly baffling — and disturbing — questions Google is regularly forced to answer."
Congratulations on your purchase of a brand new nigger! If handled properly, your apeman will give years of valuable, if reluctant, service.
INSTALLING YOUR NIGGER.
You should install your nigger differently according to whether you have purchased the field or house model. Field niggers work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained together. Chain your nigger to another nigger immediately after unpacking it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many niggers start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House niggers work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape. At this stage, your nigger can also be given a name. Most owners use the same names over and over, since niggers become confused by too much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective names for your new buck nigger. If your nigger is a ho, it should be called Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some owners call their nigger hoes Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous names for nigger hoes. These names go straight over your nigger's head, by the way.
CONFIGURING YOUR NIGGER
Owing to a design error, your nigger comes equipped with a tongue and vocal chords. Most niggers can master only a few basic human phrases with this apparatus - "muh dick" being the most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and have him remove your nigger's tongue. Once de-tongued your nigger will be a lot happier - at least, you won't hear it complaining anywhere near as much. Niggers have nothing interesting to say, anyway. Many owners also castrate their niggers for health reasons (yours, mine, and that of women, not the nigger's). This is strongly recommended, and frankly, it's a mystery why this is not done on the boat
HOUSING YOUR NIGGER.
Your nigger can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of nigger food through. The rule of thumb is, four niggers per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot nigger cage can accommodate two hundred niggers. You can site a nigger cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry about your nigger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. Niggers never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any case, your nigger is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as the free food holds out, your nigger is living better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put. Buck niggers and hoe niggers can be safely accommodated in the same cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.
FEEDING YOUR NIGGER.
Your Nigger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and watermelon. You should therefore give it none of these things because its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it on porridge with salt, and creek water. Your nigger will supplement its diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other niggers, etc. Experienced nigger owners sometimes push watermelon slices through the bars of the nigger cage at the end of the day as a treat, but only if all niggers have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day. Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a killer, since all niggers steal something almost every single day of their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free watermelon for his niggers as a result. You should never allow your nigger meal breaks while at work, since if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a nigger to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have no idea.
MAKING YOUR NIGGER WORK.
Niggers are very, very averse to work of any kind. The nigger's most
After reading it, he has some good questions (if it's the link that Hatta posted below). Unfortunately, he is guilty of the same thing out-of-context-to-prove people are: he didn't bother researching his questions. For example, when Leviticus comments about not "touching" a woman during her menstrual period, it was not referring to any physical contact (say, a handshake) whatsoever, as I recall. "Touch" was a euphemism - as it is today, actually.
Interesting read, but nothing particularly new, honestly. I'm quite familiar with the debates about "OT vs. NT" and unfortunately, most people seem to think that when it comes to the Bible, if you want to take any part of it literally then you have to apply every part of it to everyone. Which is silly. Taking it "literally" means reading it for what it means. It doesn't mean that when God gave commands to a national government (Israel) that he meant those commands to be followed by America.
Not arguing that the OT is irrelevant and only the NT should be considered, as that would not be fair, either. I am arguing, however, that deciding what the Bible means/says shouldn't just be opening to a single verse in the middle of what is essentially a national constitution/covenant and applying it to the modern day... [/dead horse]
Incidentally, if Dr. Laura is trying to be an orthodox Jew, she is likely not going to particularly think the NT is all that relevant, as she has rejected Jesus as the Jewish Messiah... which puts her in a rather interesting position while interpreting the OT. Except that a lot of the first five books of the Bible - the Law, the "Tenach," etc - were given to the nation of Israel and a lot has to do with temple worship. Things have changed with national Israel in the last 3500 years though,including certain events around A.D. 70... but even before that, when the temples were destroyed, various captivities, etc. Israel, right now, cannot follow the OT Law if for no other reason than that there is an Islamic mosque on top of the temple mount. Which, again, puts Laura in an interesting position.
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Problem is (I say this as a Christian, by practice, fundamentalist, pentecostal) that there are parts that clearly spell out that there aren't exceptions to the rules. Christians will often recite to each other where Jesus says that not one jot or tittle will be done away with, specifically applying it to a Old Testament law that they like. For instance, few pentecostal Christians follow Paul's admonition to have women silent in the church (specifically the congregation but is hard not to also apply it to the broader definition for church), and the ones that do are obviously mentally unstable. Christianity, the new and old Testaments, and particularly the Old Testament mostly don't give any leeway for any modification to its code. Anyone that says otherwise is just trying to fence sit with reality and what they want to believe. Christians whether traditional or fundamentalist only acknowledge the theology they like.
I personally am on the verge of dropping it all in for no other reason than Christians reasoning (that is, no one else within the church has been able to satisfy my own reasoning.) Add to that my own personal search into the construction of Christianity, my slowly growing understanding of historical theology and the construction of the very text that is held up as The Word Of God, and I may just become an atheist.
Heh, with that statement and self acknowledgement, I just become one.
Semi-automatic amateur armchair Australian philosopher; conjecture ready at any moment...