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Sitting Down Too Long Is Bad Even If You Exercise
Ant tips the week-old news that sitting down too much is not good for you, even if you are otherwise fit. A blog at the LA Times reports a followup from Swedish exercise experts: they propose "establishing a new way of thinking about sedentary behavior. They suggest abolishing 'sedentary behavior' as a synonym for not exercising. Instead, sedentary time should be defined as 'muscular inactivity' to distinguish it from not doing any exercise at all." These experts warn that the excessively sedentary are running serious health risks, irrespective of how much exercise they get when they're not plonked behind a desk or lying on a sofa.
Now disguised fully as some sort of shabbily dressed derelict, I quickly made off with my shopping cart and ran full tilt back to the park. With no hesitation I dug through the trash barrel I'd found earlier, seizing every last can and bottle from the fetid depths of the garbage. I was almost deterred when my hand plunged into a soiled diaper, obviously unimproved from the three days of rain we'd received prior, but I had my eyes on the prize. I rolled my cart down the paths of the park, past the lemmings of our society as they strolled idly past jackpot after jackpot, lacking sense and ambition enough to loot them for their own benefit. Many of them could not contain their envy, looking at me with disgusted jealousy as I filled my cart with money. One phenomenon I cannot explain: a Catholic nun handed me a one dollar bill and told me I could get a free meal at St. Joseph's parish every Sunday afternoon. I took the cash, obviously, and thanked her for the tip on the new scam. I figure they must make you sign up for some shit before you get the free food, and that the nun must get a kickback for every new signup. Slick setup, but I'll just keep the buck, Sister Sucker!
When I thought I'd plucked the final gem from this treasure chest, I slowly paced my way towards the most convenient road out of the park. I passed by a man drinking from a brown paper bag. I wasn't born yesterday, so I knew that he had a bottle in it (and probably not Chocolate Yoohoo if you get my drift). I tried to look very patient and unassuming while I waited for him to finish his bottle and discard it, so that I might add it to my coffers. After ten or so minutes he did something shocking and unexpected: he walked into a nearby Port-A-Potty and took the bottle in with him. Seven minutes later, exactly, he re-emerged without his bottle. The disgusting truth was obvious, he had finished his bottle while on the latrine and tossed the empty down into the hole. I nearly wrote that one off as a loss, but then my inner puppet spoke once again, chiding me for the sheer Hagginsian nature of my hesistation. Suffice to say, I was shoulder deep in shit before I even had time to regret my moment of weakness. Was the resulting bottle of Olde English 800 Malt Liquor worth the effort? You bet your ass, buddy.
Alright, so even the faithful are probably getting impatient by now. I'm sure you want to know what my take was after all that time and effort and both occassions of having a limb thrust into fecal matter. Let's just say that Andrew Jackson and I have a dinner date tonight (though I'll only be needing his vagrant friend Alexander Hamilton once I apply my coupon). On second thought, Kroger's has On-Cor Salisbury Steaks for 2.50, and I have a manufacturer's coupon which I attained by lying to their customer care line. In case you're wondering, saying you found a condom in your chicken parmesan is only worth a dollar off your next purchase.
Maybe slashdot will create a group webcam excercise confrence call, with each person wearing a mask with their Slashdot number on it. That would truly be a sight to behold. Then we can all be healthy enough to reach the next century.
Amen, brother. If I had an account I would login to mod up... But I'm too lazy.