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Preserving Memories of a Loved One?
An anonymous reader writes "My wife is dying of metastatic (stage 4) cancer. Statistically she has between one and two years left. I have pre-teen daughters. I'm looking for innovative ideas on how to preserve memories of their mother and my wife so that years down the road we don't forget the things we all tend to forget about a person as time passes. I have copious photos and am taking as much HD video as I can without being a jerk, so images and sounds are taken care of (and backed up securely). I'm keeping a private blog of simple daily events that help me remember the things in between the hospitalizations and treatments. In this digital age what other avenues are there for preserving memories? Non-digital suggestions would be welcome, too."
Non Digital: Handprints in clay...
The best thing I had from some older relatives (now gone) were CDs of them telling stories. One of my cousins took the time to get a few of the aunts and uncles together on the phone and asked a few questions to get them to reminisce. After a few minutes they forgot about the tape recorder and began really talking to each other. That set of CDs one of the nicest remembrances I have of them. My wife wishes she had done this with her parents. They grew up during the great depression and had a lot of interesting stories on the way things were and tales of every day living. Unfortunately her mom developed Parkinson's and lost the ability to speak clearly, and her dad died of a sudden heart attack, so we lost all this oral history, as well as the sound of their voice.
I agree, but I would take it one step further: a daily video blog for your wife.
Videos of birthdays, vacations and special events only go so far: you've all seen those videos, camera pans over the people and they're all smiling and laughing, but there's no sharing there, no real connection, it's about as generic as can be.
A video blog set to private on Youtube would be perfect. She can just turn on the laptop webcam and talk about whatever she's feeling that day for a few minutes. My wife and I did that awhile ago when we were on a strict diet and it's very interesting to go back now and see how we looked and felt.
my karma will be here long after I'm gone
Really? Let's get sentimental: As somebody who lost my mother* as a pre-teen, I will defend my position by saying that different people cope with bereavement in different ways, one of which is humor which may seem inappropriate at the time. Even now, I insist that my friends treat me the same as everybody else as far as "I fucked your mom**" jokes go. My humorous yet realistic response to those jokes shows my strength and my ability to cope with trauma in a healthy manner.
As a supplement to the above, I advise submitter - I've been there as a kid, as a pre-teen. Whatever you do, do not force the issue with your children. When your wife passes, do not force your wife's memory upon them and insist that everybody constantly juggle her memories in each others' faces. Let them be sullen and withdrawn if they want to. They will recontextualize at their own pace, in their own ways. Attempting to shove their dead mother in their faces may be misguided and akin to pouring lemon juice on a wound. Just be supportive of each other and don't force anything.
And later, when you begin to find romance again, do not force your kids to call her "mom." Nobody will ever replace mom.
* It would be easier if I knew that she died. But, in the throes of schizoprhrenic psychosis, a product of an old-skool "tough-love" family who kicked their children when they were already down, she was last seen attempting to kill herself. She was erroneously released from the nuthouse on her own recognizance, never to be seen again.
** My friends sometimes tell me that they fucked my mom. I tell 'em that it must be the reason that they smell like malt liquor and piss, etc.
I definitely agree with the AC here. Before I say anymore, I'll preface the rest of my comments with extending my sympathies for the situation you find yourselves in, as well as to suggest I have no real experience with anything remotely similar, so my advice is meant in good faith.
That being said, I recommend taking a few minutes to listen to the "This American Life" episode where a mother dying of a terminal disease left letters for her young daughter to be read annually. From the story's description, "At first the letters were comforting, but as time went on, they had much more complicated effects."
You can stream the episode from http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/401/parent-trap (I'm recommending the "Letter Day Saint" act 1 story).
I'll create an amusing sig when I have something meaningful to post.
There is a small bench in front of one of the grave markers at the local cemetary.
When you sit on the bench, you see that the grave marker, runnig the length of the bench, lies where the feet would rest. One one side of the marker is an adult-sized pair of shoeprints, on the other side is a child-sized pair of shoeprints.
The grave marker instructs the sitter to sit down and tell the deceased child a story.
*sniff*
This, this, this, this and this!
I lost a non-immediate family member to cancer in the recent past. She did not want pictures or video taken of her, she wanted everyone to remember how she looked before. What she was willing to share, and what made her happy to talk about, was stories from childhood and other reminiscing. Got her siblings together, and just talked. I got to sit there and just hear stories about my parents from before I was born, about my grandparents, and other branches of the family that I have never met. It was touching, and it kept her from being too sad for just a little while. But do not push the issue, and make it a chore.
We don't know the OP's wife, so none of us can make real suggestions about what to record or preserve, or how to go about that. Her feelings, and those of your kids, are what you need to think about. If she doesn't want to talk about her childhood, don't push it. If she does, and the kids don't want to hear it, don't push them to. Maybe you can get her to write about things, video blog about them, or just all sit around and talk and share. Yes, there are things that your kids may want to know later, but what ever you do, don't make this time with your wife into the equivalent of a childhood 8mm christmas film.
Unless 8mm christmas films are what your family enjoy. I, personally, don't care to watch my childhood as recorded on film. Gives me the creeps.