7 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Outbreak Would Fail

Whether they spoil in the heat, freeze in the winter, or get taken out by a human-friendly venue of vultures, a zombie outbreak is unlikely to succeed. Here's 7 reasons why we should stop worrying about the shambling dead and start concentrating on a real threat: sparkly vampires.

Comments

Re:One Reason Why

[dlawson]

You wouldn't be saying that if you'd met some of my managers.

Brain dead - check; stumbling through life - check; rampant desire to eat people's brains (or simply recruit them to their own viewpoint) - check.

QED.
davel

Re:So tired

[sthomas]

If they let it die, it might rise again. Like. a. zombie. OMG!!!!!

Re:This!

[blair1q]

No, that article is the reason cracked.com exists.

This response is the reason idle.slashdot.org exists.

7. Natural predators can become zombies, too. Then where will your living natural predators be, hmm?

6. Zombies rose from the dead, some years-dead. Making them deader by drying them out isn't going to affect them.

6. Zombies rose from the dead. Dead is even more inert than frozen. Therefore, frozen isn't going to faze them.

5. Biting works for rattlesnakes, black widow spiders, rabid dogs, and yucky girls with cooties. Zombies are onto a business model here.

3. It's not like we're picking a Zombie President early in the cycle. There are zillions of them. Damage to one leaves another undamaged. You can't beat them in reasonable time with iterative solutions.

2. You can run. You can hide. But death comes to us all. And then you'll be the zombie in the place behind the incorrectly designated zombie-proof barrier.

1. Unless you plan to make bullets out of zombie finger bones, you're going to run out of bullets before you run out of zombies. Zillions, man. Zillions.

Yes, there are two rule sixes, and NOOOOOOO...rule four. Clearly not a Python sketch.

Reason #8

[PPH]

Zombies feed on brains. Thanks to our fine educational system, we'll starve them out.

Re:First Page Link

[alvinrod]

You actually read the f'ing article?

I'd ask if you're new here, but judging from your user ID, you actually are.

At least you're grumbling about the editors so I think you'll fit in okay here.

Stephenie Meyer is a talentless hack

[TiggertheMad]

Zombies are the new vampires, and to date none of them sparkle in the sun.

Want to know why zombies are so cool? Because Hollywood will never be able to get 14 year old girls interested in crappy zombie romance/emo books and movies....

Re:Stephenie Meyer is a talentless hack

[Emerssso]

That's what you think. Just wait until I finalize the deal with my publisher and my first novel hits the market. It features Zack the Zombie and his star-crossed love affair with teenaged Sarah, a clumsy yet lovable girl I'm sure young women across the country will fall in love with.

Re:Stephenie Meyer is a talentless hack

[Abstrackt]

Zombies are the new vampires, and to date none of them sparkle in the sun. Want to know why zombies are so cool? Because Hollywood will never be able to get 14 year old girls interested in crappy zombie romance/emo books and movies....

It's true. My lack of hygiene, tattered clothes and strange grunting noises prevent any 14 year old girls from taking an interest in me.

Re:Stephenie Meyer is a talentless hack

[ubrgeek]

Been done. Check out Breathers: A Zombie's Lament in which the main character is, "a newly risen zombie, he's forced to live in his parents' basement, attend Undead Anonymous meetings just to get out of the house, and endure abuse of all kinds from the living." A fun read.

Re:Reason #0

[uvajed_ekil]

Keep telling yourself that. You'll be sorry one day when you don't run, and a zombie eats your face.

Re:Reason #0

[golden age villain]

Most of the zombie fiction is just a different approach to RPG-style problem solving

Do you mean RPG-style like in ruchnoy protivotankoviy granatomyot or RPG-7? It's a good option but you can't really run while carrying it.