Fermilab To Test Holographic Universe Theory

eldavojohn writes "Scientists at Fermilab have decided that it's high time they build a 'holometer' to test the smoothness of space-time. Theoretical physicists like Stephen Hawking have proposed that space-time is not smooth but it's been a lot of math and no actual data. The Fermilab team plans to build two relatively small devices that act as 'holographic interferometers' to measure the shaking or vibration in split beams of light traveling through a vacuum. If the team finds the shaking in their measurements and records them, the theory of a holographic universe will have some evidence of non-smoothness in space-time and perhaps a foothold in bringing light to the heavily debated theoretical physics."

Comments

Woooooo.

[eyenot]

[Theoreticists' memo on the project]

Alright, folks, let's get our asses in gear, for real.

Phase One: Get Weed.

We'll have some of the technical underlings go out for the bhag but they don't get to smoke it. They don't NEED it.

Phase Two: Get Cognitively Dissonant.

Hopefully the weed satisfies this but if it's schwag or gives us cottonmouth, I think we should drink lots of beer. And, some of the guys are feeling nervous about the results, so let's try to score some crystal molly, too. At any rate the point at this phase is to get as close to either a schizophrenic episode or a psychotic break as humanly possible, so we'll also need lots of Nine Inch Nails, Ritalin, and cough syrup, all of which we can also score from the techs. We'll have the janitors hold their heads in the toilet if they don't proffer.

Phase Three: THEORIZE

Okay, the main point is, everything our lives depends on is pure theory. Not the lives of everybody on Earth, just our lives, here, in grantland. If we don't show results we don't get more money, no more money means we have to take up jobs writing sci-fi. That's too much like WORK, dudes! It'll spoil everything! But they're talking about taking away our money anyway! So here we go, like, everything is SO not real, this isn't even happening! THIS SUCKS! But at least it isn't real. Hopefully everybody who's seen The Matrix (like, pschaw, EVERYbody) will believe in this, so they can hook us up with more green juice.

Phase Four: BABES

Somehow this results is us passing our genetic seed.

Re:Dear Slashdot

[RogueyWon]

You mean nobody told you? Just don't ask which bit of her body the Milky Way is. Trust me, you really don't want to know.