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Why Nobody Wants You On OKCupid

Posted by timothy on from the resemble-that-remark dept.

Hugh Pickens writes "Social awkwardness has the most opportunity to shine in your very first message to a potential sweetheart, write Andrea Bartz and Brenna Ehrlich at CNN. Bartz and Ehrlich enumerate and humorously describe seven types of message senders: the generalizer, the autobiographer, the 'eccentric,' the creeper, the gusher, and the wordless wonder. Our favorite: the generalizer, whose typical first message may be 'hey, wuts up?' Why does no one want the generalizer? 'You're probably stupid. Or possibly illiterate,' write Bartz and Ehrilich. According to OKTrends, bad grammar and bad spelling are huge turn-offs in a first message. 'Our negative correlation list is a fool's lexicon: ur, u, wat, wont, and so on. These all make a terrible first impression. In fact, if you count hit (and we do!) the worst 6 words you can use in a first message are all stupid slang.' Other tips from OKTrends' analysis of successful keywords and phrases from over 500,000 first contacts on OKCupid: Avoid physical compliments, bring up specific interests, and if you're a guy, be self-effacing."

5 of 473 comments (clear)

  1. no: height by circletimessquare · · Score: 4, Insightful

    women complain men are obsessed with t&a but women are exactly the same: if you're not tall, it doesn't matter if you are a CEO and run 3 charities: she'll pick the tall guy who still lives with his mom

    --
    intellectual property law is philosophically incoherent. it is your moral duty to ignore it or sabotage it
    1. Re:no: height by kaliann · · Score: 4, Insightful

      I found my lovely ChemE, Dr. Who-loving, intelligent geek on a free dating site. He is inches shorter than I am.
      He was also thrillingly literate in his profile and our email exchanges (I initiated). We shared interests and ideas. It was lovely.

      Height is nice, but it's more like good hair than IQ: a bonus, not a value with "above average" as a minimum. I've dated men taller than I am and some who are shorter. Tall is not a requirement. I know several guys who are shorter than average who all have girlfriends or have dated successfully.

      If you think that your height is sole the thing keeping women from you, you are classifying your whole dating pool as shallow. It isn't complimentary, and it's demonstrably inaccurate. Your bitterness will not help you get dates, and your insulting view of women will not get you a relationship with a healthy woman.

      Women who will disqualify someone just for height are obviously prejudiced in a way that should be a turn-off for you anyway. It's a good weed-out. Focus on improving and highlighting the things that are positive about yourself in order to find the lady that will be interested in you for who you are, what you've accomplished, and how you present yourself, rather than just deciding that all women are shallow and you have no chance.

      Also, check your expectations: if you think that a woman you date has to be a super-hottie and a rocket scientist, well, you may want to consider that hot rocket scientist ladies have a much broader field to choose from. I recommend lowering standards to the more achievable: someone you find attractive, finds you attractive, and is smart enough that you enjoy talking with, and someone you share interests and a sense of humor with.

      And maybe be a little less obvious about your opinion that women are shallow, irrational creatures.

  2. Re:Alright, I know how to be now. by lxs · · Score: 4, Insightful

    Hey, I liked your message.
    Don't you find that changing how you communicate is different from changing who you are? I think all communication is very much a game with rules. Breaking the rules does get you sent off the field in any game.
    How would you feel about a footballer who doesn't want to play his best game because it would change who he was? (Scoring goals is too mainstream, it's just not me! ) I'd call that player a fool, but maybe that's just me.

    Let me know what you think,
    Alex

  3. Re:if you're a guy, be self-effacing by swalve · · Score: 4, Insightful

    The reason is because honest self-effacing shows a cool confidence. Making a show of confidence, however, actually shows insecurity. It's not what you say, it's what you display.

  4. tried it with success... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 2, Insightful

    From a pragmatic standpoint, I think it's a lot like a sales gig. You have to put your best face forward. It can be difficult (for a guy) to write multiple thoughtful emails, due to the amount of effort required to find someone compatible who will hopefully turn into a date. A friend commented on this the other day. Lets say after 3 weeks of a start of a "cycle" you'd end up with 10 women who you've chatted with. Out of those 10, 3 lost contact and most likely found something more interesting/ eyecatching (due to the overwhelming number of men on the site), 3 would not be ideal candidates for whatever reason, 3 lost interest in you, and you'd be left with two first dates.

    Hopefully one of the two would be a compatible match, but for whatever reason it's not always the case. I think overall it can be difficult to keep up the positive and personal persona of first emails. It can be a bit disheartening as well, but sometimes it does pay off. I met my girlfriend of 2.5 years on that site, and my friend has been dating for about 6 months now.

    So if you look at the odds stacked against you, it's very important to write a thoughtful, proper introductory email. There's always someone better looking than you on there, so sending out poorly thought out emails only works if you're a male model.