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Kim Dotcom Demands Access To Seized Property To Defend Himself
redletterdave writes "On Wednesday, Kim 'Dotcom' Schmitz and his legal team visited the High Court in Auckland, New Zealand, to demand access to the data stored on his computers and hard drives that were confiscated during the police raid, and also requested a judicial review of the general legality of the search warrants police used to raid his mansion. Dotcom's lawyer, Paul Davison, argued that his client needs the data for a few reasons: To mount a 'proper defense' case, to fight possibly being extradited to the U.S., and also to show that 'excessive police action' was used during the raid. Dotcom could prove this in court because the entire raid was recorded by CCTV data, which is stored on Dotcom's confiscated computers. Even though the FBI demanded Dotcom turn over the passwords for Megaupload's encrypted data, he refuses to give up any passwords until he can regain access to his seized property."
INT. A SUBURBAN HOME - EVENING
MDC and his Mother are arguing in the living room.
MDC: Mom, will you please give me the money to get my shit out of storage? I need those books and computers and shit.
Mother: No, I told you, I'm not giving you money to go down there, you'll just give it away to the first guy with a cardboard sign you see or else you'll blow it on strippers. I'm just not going to throw my money away like that.
MDC: But mom, you give me cash all the time to go into town and hangout at the web cafe--
Mother: YES! To get you out of my god damn hair so I can have a little peace and quiet. I can't stand it how you're always telling me how I should do things in my OWN house. I have managed just fine all these years then you come in here with no money, no job, no wife, with half the police in California keeping an eye out for you and you want to tell ME what to do. I give you money so you'll LEAVE ME ALONE FOR AWHILE.
MDC: Face facts mom, you really only want me out because I look uncannily like your own father and you just can't--
Mother: Look you, I've had enough of this. You don't look anything at all like your grandfather. Actually, I've never told you this but you should know. Your father in the Navy? He wasn't really your father. He was deployed and I got lonely, I had a short-term fling with one of those black musicians down at the club. I always thought he was a little strange but I wasn't dating him for his personality you understand. Unfortunately, I've regretted it ever since.
MDC: Listen mom, you're just in denial about your mental illness. I can see it.
Mother: WILL YOU CUT IT OUT! HAVE YOU HEARD A WORD I HAVE SAID?
MDC: Of course mother, I have heard your cry for help and I am here for you, if you'll just read this essay I wrote on--
Mother: I AM NOT READING ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR GOD DAMN ESSAYS, I AM SICK OF ESSAYS, IF YOU SAY 'THE SOFTWARE PROBLEM' ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR TO GOD I AM GOING TO SWALLOW THIS WHOLE BOTTLE OF PILLS!
MDC: But mother, The Software Problem is at the--
Mother: AUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
MDC: Oh My God MOM! We must get to the Emergency Room immediately!
INT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM
MDC and his Mother are queued at the registration desk.
Male Nurse: Ma'am, can I help you?
Mother: YES MY SON IS AN ESCAPED LUNATIC, HE HAS BIPOLAR SCHIZOAFFECTIVE DISORDER HIS NAME IS MICHAEL CRAWFORD AND HE IS DRIVING ME INSANE!
Male Nurse: Did you say Crawford Ma'am?
Mother: YES!
Male Nurse: SECURITY, WE HAVE A CODE MDC, I REPEAT CODE MDC, RESPOND STAT!
Hospital security swarms, MDC is forcibly restrained while an orderly administers a jab
MDC: Now look here! I have every ri-UMPH! UNGH, WAIT NOT THE . . . oh lurk at the prurty unicarns gurble master debugger gleble warp life drool . . .
Dedicated, inspired and mostly written by tdillo