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Holy iPad Slayer! Company Releases World's First Christian Tablet

Posted by Soulskill on from the no-one-comes-to-the-app-store-except-through-me dept.

Velcroman1 writes "Steve Jobs worshippers need not apply. But if you're looking to get in God's good graces, or you're simply in the market for a family-friendly tablet, you may want to check out Family Christian's Edifi. Billed as the world's first Christian tablet, its genesis came with the inevitable intersection of technology and religion, according to Brian Honorable, a technology supervisor at Family Christian, the group that sells the tablet. 'We wanted to be able to offer our customers the ability to use our Holy Bible application, which has 27 different English translations of the Bible,' Honorable said."

18 of 326 comments (clear)

  1. Pretty sure Moses did it first! by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

    Pretty sure Moses did it first!

    1. Re:Pretty sure Moses did it first! by Monkey-Man2000 · · Score: 5, Funny

      Pretty sure Moses did it first!

      and it even had rounded corners!

      --
      This post was generated by a Cadre of Uber Monkeys for Monkey-Man2000 (603495).
    2. Re:Pretty sure Moses did it first! by Penguinisto · · Score: 4, Funny

      Then Moses turned and went down from the mountain with the two tablets of the testimony in his hand, tablets that were written on both sides; on the front and on the back they were written.

      ...so even *that* tablet had multitasking.

      WTF, Apple?

      --
      Quo usque tandem abutere, Nimbus, patientia nostra?
    3. Re:Pretty sure Moses did it first! by Archangel+Michael · · Score: 4, Funny

      “The Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen...Oy...Ten! Ten Commandments! For all to obey!”

      --
      Agent K: A *person* is smart. People are dumb, stupid, panicky animals, and you know it.
    4. Re:Pretty sure Moses did it first! by 19thNervousBreakdown · · Score: 4, Funny

      Actually there were three tablets, but he held one of them wrong.

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      <xml><I><am><so><damn>Web 2.0</damn></so></am></I></xml>
  2. Must purchase two? by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

    Or do all 10 commandments fit on to one tablet this time?

    1. Re:Must purchase two? by sentientbeing · · Score: 5, Funny

      Commandments last updated: 6000 B.C. Your commandments are out of date [refresh][cancel]

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      beware he who would deny you access to information, for in his mind he dreams himself your master
    2. Re:Must purchase two? by PopeRatzo · · Score: 4, Funny

      Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt in the spring of 1513 B.C.E. on Nisan 14 (the first full moon after the spring equinox). They took a meandering path, and crossed the Red Sea. That took them about 3 weeks. Then they all encamped at Mt. Sinai about 3 months later. It took around a week for Moses to reach the place where God gave him the tablets (with the 10 commandments), and another 40 days passed before the full law had been expounded to Moses. At this point, the Israelites and ex-Egyptians that were encamped at the base of the mountain were in full-on revolt, worshiping a calf idol. God alerted Moses to this, and Moses headed back to the camp (another 1-week journey). Moses then smashed the tablets God had given him and set about disciplining the people for their idolatry. The discipline took a few days to "work out", since he had the golden calf ground to powder and mixed into the water supply. (Result: Gold flecked poop!) Moses then returned to the mountain (another 1-week journey), re-chiseled the tablets himself (that'll teach him to control his temper... or not), finished learning the rest of the law (time not specified), and went back to camp again (1 week again). Then the people were assembled, the law was read to them, and they all agreed to be bound by it.

      I am struck by the similarities to the Church of Latter Day Saints origin story.

      Moses: God gave me tablets.
      People: OK, where they at?
      Moses: I broke them.
      People: ???
      Moses: But wait, I copied them down, so these ten things I wrote on these tablets are totally what God told me to tell you.
      People: OK!! Let's go!

      -----

      Joseph Smith: An Italian Angel name "Moroni" gave me some plates with stuff to tell you. I was out in the wilderness skrying (getting answers to questions by listening to my hat) and this Angel totally gave me some golden plates from God that say what He wants us to do.
      People: OK, where these plates at?
      Joe Smith: I got 'em put away somewhere safe. I can't show them to you. God said so.
      People: ????
      Joe Smith: Wait! One of the thing He wants us to do is take a whole bunch of young wives.
      People: Oh, hell yeah! Can we start right now?
      Women: Hey, wait a minute!
      People: Shut up ladies, It's God's will. Now let's choose up. (at this point, the men put their feet in a circle and did "inka-dinka soda cracker..." to see who gets to pick which women. Having been the one to get the golden plates in the first place, Joseph Smith gets to choose first, without participating in "inka-dinka soda cracker...").

      [Note: no disrespect is meant by my depiction of the Jewish or Mormon back stories. Well, maybe a little bit, but not of the Jewish or Mormon people themselves, just on the backstories. And who am I to criticize anyone for believing something crazy? Every April since 1960 I've believed the Cubs were going to win the World Series.]

      --
      You are welcome on my lawn.
  3. battery can beat up your dad by TheGratefulNet · · Score: 5, Funny

    quoting:

    "The battery is actually stronger than everybody else out there on the market.â

    if we feed the christian pad to a Li-Ion, will the romans return again, do you think?

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    "It is now safe to switch off your computer."
  4. technology and christianity by multiben · · Score: 3, Funny

    Ha ha ha. the inevitable intersection of technology and religion. Lol.

  5. Re:0_0 by Jeremiah+Cornelius · · Score: 5, Funny

    It has flash, and will show you porn - but only hetero, in the missionary position.

    --
    "Flyin' in just a sweet place,
    Never been known to fail..."
  6. That is... by Cosgrach · · Score: 1, Funny

    truly the stupidest thing that I have heard all week.

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    Why is it that most of the people that I encounter seem to have been shat from the Sphincter of Mediocrity?
  7. Will they call their "Walled Garden"... by otaku244 · · Score: 5, Funny

    "Eden?"

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    Mod me down, I shall become more off-topic than you could possibly imagine.
  8. Re:If the specs weren't kind of ass by rickb928 · · Score: 4, Funny

    Nothing would happen, unlike your tablet that erases itself when you turn it upside down.

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    deleting the extra space after periods so i can stay relevant, yeah.
  9. Re:0_0 by Opportunist · · Score: 4, Funny

    Not if you take your bath in holy water, because your ordinary secular water will probably damage its holy spirit. You can easily tell, if it starts smoking, that's the holy spirit escaping and it's a good thing it won't work anymore because it's not blessed anymore.

    Of course you got warranty, though, you can claim it in the afterlife.

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    We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
  10. Re:It's a customized Kindle by drinkypoo · · Score: 4, Funny

    Family Christian is essentially a bookstore, and this is their "Nook" or "Kindle." I'm a little surprised they are big enough to do that,

    Step 1: email suppliers found via alibaba

    Step 2: get one of them to produce for you a branded tablet

    Step 3: Prophet!

    --
    "You're right," Fisheye says. "I should have set it on 'whip' or 'chop.'"
  11. Incorrect by Wrexs0ul · · Score: 4, Funny

    This tablet was perfectly created a week ago as-is on the developer's desk, it did not evolve over years like the iPad.

    -Matt

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    --- Need web hosting?
  12. Re:0_0 by Mabhatter · · Score: 3, Funny

    And only properly married, monogamous couples.