Slashdot Mirror
The Internet Has Transformed Modern Divorce
stern writes "The internet may be contributing to divorces (thanks, Facebook!) but it's also reducing the pain, especially the bitter fighting associated with joint custody. Calendars are now much easier to coordinate, and if one parent denies a court-ordered phone call to another, there's no way to hide the fact that the call didn't happen. Because of these and other technologies, divorce has changed radically in the last ten years. From the article: 'When [one divorcee] requested court-mandated parent counseling, the judge ordered the two to use an online tool called Our Family Wizard instead. Now, lawyers supervise e-mail exchanges between her and her ex, ensuring that each party responds to the other in a timely manner. All e-mails are time dated and tracked. Parents can create a shared expense log and receive automated notices and reminders about parental obligations.'"
On the contrary, I think it is far more likely that Facebook will contribute to divorces in cases where cheating is NOT occurring. People who are insecure about their relationships are going to read into EVERYTHING on Facebook. But, generally speaking, people who are actually cheating aren't going to post about it on Facebook.
I'm a divorced parent myself, and I found myself at least partially agreeing with one of the people who commented on the original article on the NYT web site. He said he doesn't understand America's insistence on joint custody and co-parenting with these toxic relationships that end in messy divorces.
I can't speak for the accuracy of his claim that in "other cultures", it's usually a winner take all scenario where one parent walks away and disappears, and the other steps up to raise the kid. But I definitely think there are times when this really is the best outcome for the kid.
It seems like we've made an automatic assumption that it's universally best for the kid(s) to spend as much time as possible with both parents, and on the surface such a suggestion sounds plausible. But not all marriages end simply because both people were immature and foolishly got married too quickly. Many times, one parent has a drug or alcohol addiction and becomes unbearable to live with. Other times, like in my own situation, the other parent suffers from mental illness (and contrary to what you may hear - medications for such things as bipolar disorder don't ever fully bring some people back into reality).
Our court systems essentially force these unfit parents to pretend they're able and willing to parent anyway, and the kid(s) pay the price.
I'm not against the idea of using tools like texting or email, or even some sort of moderated message system, if it helps parents work through the details of sharing custody in cases where it's the situation they're both striving for anyway. But I literally had my ex-wife tell the attorneys she was perfectly happy to sign all of her parental rights away. Yet the Family Court judge declared such a thing unacceptable, and made us come up with a shared custody arrangement instead. Something really is wrong with a legal system that believes they made a "better choice" by doing this. My ex moved to the other side of the country with some younger guy and only came to visit our daughter a total of 2 times in 10 years since then. She has a very small child support obligation she practically never pays, which has built up over time to total up to close to $20,000 so far. Reality is, my current g/f and I are raising my daughter -- not my ex-wife. And it would be foolish to ask her to make any kind of important legal decision on my kid's behalf since she practically has no idea about who she is and her needs anyway.
I suppose I could fork out the money to go back to court and fight to get full custody, and at this point, they'd probably grant it based on a decade of evidence of how things went.... but it's VERY irritating on principle that this could have been settled from the beginning when SHE said she wanted no part of being a mom during the divorce proceedings.
Looks like you need a divorce—from pre-formatted text.
I think you are underestimating how stupid people are.
Way to anti-darwinize the situation. But it doesn't quite work that way. A person who would do anything they can to avoid playing into someone else's insecurities is bound to trip up from time to time... even if it is imagined by the other party. "Why didn't you answer the phone?!" "I was pooping..." "Oh yeah...sure... a likely story..."
Crap like that gets old very very fast. People just need to mature. And people don't mature without cause. No one changes without cause. It's why the "popular kids" in high school end up so weird much of the time -- what they were doing was working for them so they didn't bother to grow or change. Those who struggle continue to grow.
Easy solution to the facebook problem... don't do it. I don't. It's an obvious trap. MySpace was too. I don't get why people are so addicted to it. "Look at me!! I'm social! I have 1000 very close friends!!!" Do these clowns know how ridiculous they look? (Speaking of which, why the hell does it seem like more than half of the men capable of wearing facial hair have to wear it as a goatee? Shit's getting old man... and looks too much like a pubic mound.)
-1 troll... I know... I deserve it. Reality isn't nice. There *isn't* someone out there for everyone. That's a ridiculous dream. Presently there are more women than men and women STILL think they are all special and beautiful. Sorry, but no. Just no.
1990....2000....2005....2006....2007....2008....2009 (-- Year
4.7......4.1.......3.6......3.7.......3.6......3.5.......3.4 (-- divorce rate per 1000 in the USA
source: http://www.census.gov/compendia/statab/cats/births_deaths_marriages_divorces/marriages_and_divorces.html
How can you be looking for a common social cause for something that's not happening?
GOD I hate "common wisdom."
If you can not control yourself when faced with temptation, you have issues that divorce alone is not going to fix.
Utter nonsense.
Specifically with marital fidelity, it's very common that people who intend to be faithful get too close to another member of the opposite sex, spending so much time with them (at work, for example) that feelings begin to develop, and non-physical intimacy gets gradually greater and greater, to the point that it eventually turns physical. Of course, the infidelity began long before it turned physical, and possibly before either party realized what was happening.
But the same holds with all sorts of temptation. If you're struggling to control your weight, it's a bad idea to put a big bowl of your favorite candy on your desk. If you're an alcoholic, it's a bad idea to go into a bar. If you used to be addicted to cigarettes, it's a bad idea to hang out with the smokers behind the building.
Relying solely on self-control when faced repeatedly with the same temptation is pretty much a guaranteed way to fail. It's much smarter to structure your life so that you minimize your exposure to whatever you're trying to avoid.
A Sunday School teacher explained it to me this way:
There was a stagecoach owner who needed to hire a new driver. Three men came in to be interviewed. In addition to all of his other questions, the owner asked each of them "How close can you drive to the edge of a cliff without going over?"
The first responded "I can get so close that the edge of the iron rim lines up exactly with the cliff edge."
The second said "I can get so close that the half of the rim hangs over the edge."
The third said "I don't know. I stay as far away from the edge as possible."
The owner hired the third man.
If you want to avoid temptation, the very best way to do it is to avoid putting yourself in a position where you might someday be tempted. A wise man told me shortly after I got married that it would be prudent for me to avoid, whenever possible, ever being alone with a woman other than my wife. I've followed that advice, and I've never been even remotely tempted to stray, and I doubt I ever will. Be tempted, I mean. I'm quite certain that I will never be unfaithful.
Note to ACs: I usually delete AC replies without reading them. If you want to talk to me, log in.