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Ukrainian Attack Dolphins Are On the Loose
Hugh Pickens writes "The Ukrainian Navy has a small problem on their hands. The Atlantic reports that, after rebooting the Soviet Union's marine mammal program last year with the goal of teaching dolphins to find underwater mines and kill enemy divers, three of the Ukrainian military's new recruits have gone AWOL. Apparently they swam away from their trainers ostensibly in search of a 'mate' out in open waters. It might not be such a big deal except that these dolphins have been trained to 'attack enemy combat swimmers using special knives or pistols fixed to their heads.' Dolphins were trained at Sevastopol for the Soviet Navy as far back as 1973 to find military equipment such as sea mines on the seabed as well as attacking divers and even carrying explosives on their heads to plant on enemy ships. The U.S. has its own dolphin program in San Diego with 40 trained dolphins and sea lions and another 50 in training. U.S. Navy dolphins were deployed in Bahrain in 1987 during a period when Iran was laying down mines in the Persian Gulf to disrupt oil shipments. No word yet on whether
'sharks with frickin' laser beams attached' have been added to the U.S. arsenal." Update: 03/14 14:55 GMT by T : Note that (as the Atlantic has updated their story reached via above link) while there really are militarized dolphins in use around the world, this particular story turns out to be an elaborate prank.
Bad enough when you just had to worry about them http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLEb-iCQqec&feature=player_embedded">raping you or beating you up. Now they have knives and landmines too?!?!? And they're from Ukraine, which probably means they're radioactive super-mutant dolphins too.
The biggest pricks of the sea are now heavily armed, sex-crazed, mutated, and radioactive. Thanks Ukraine!
Your political party doesn't care about your rights and only represents corporate interests.
"So long, and thanks for all the fish!"
This was a hoax or Fox news sucks at news
Tough choice... can we pick both?
Sheesh, evil *and* a jerk. -- Jade
Are these war-surplus dolphins addicted to heroin?
the preceding comment is my own and in no way reflects the opinion of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
Once again the Simpsons predicted it.
I, for one, welcome our new dolphin overloads.
Hah, that's just what a militarily trained Ukrainian dolphin trying to throw us off his trail would say.
I'm waiting for the NRA to use this in its lobbying, pointing out that it's easier for a dolphin in the Ukraine to legally acquire a gun than for a human in the U.S. They may take it a step further and claim that there is an ever-growing need for assault weapons at the beach now that foreign countries are arming their wildlife and setting them free in the ocean.
The "one piece" is the idea that they were trained to kill, and that they escaped. So other than they not being killer, nor escaped, yes - there are dolphins. Good job, "Unknown Lamer"
In 1972 a crack dolphin commando unit was sent to Sea World by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.
These mammals promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underwater.
Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as dolphins of fortune.
If you have a problem - if no one else can help - and if you can find them - maybe you can hire... The D-Team.
http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2013/03/ukrainian-attack-dolphins-on-the-loose/273943/
Right. No, your other right. No, the other other right.